Johnny asked his friend, Tony, whether he had bought his wife a gift for Valentine’s Day.

“Yes, I bought her a belt and a bag,” replied Tony.

“That was very kind of you,” Johnny added, “I hope she appreciated the thought.”

Tony smiled as he replied, “So do I, and hopefully the vacuum cleaner will work better now.”

One Liner

Love may not make the world go ’round, but it certainly makes a lot of people dizzy. 

The minister’s little six-year-old girl had been so naughty during the week, that her mother decided to give her the worst kind of punishment. She told her she couldn’t go to the Sunday School Picnic on Saturday. 

Then, when the day came, her mother felt she had been too harsh and changed her mind. When she told the little girl she could go to the picnic, the child’s reaction was one of gloom and unhappiness. 

 “What’s the matter? I thought you’d be glad to go to the picnic.” her mother said. 
 “It’s too late!” the little girl said. “I’ve already prayed for rain!” 

One Liner
 Kids only want high-technology toys nowadays. My niece has an imaginary playmate that requires batteries. 

 A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. ‘My dog’s cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?’ 
    ‘Well,’ says the vet, ‘let’s have a look at him.’ 
    So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. 
    Finally, he says ‘I’m going to have to put him down.’ 
    ‘What? Because he’s cross-eyed?’ 
    ‘No, because he’s heavy.’ 

One Liner

I’ve gotten to the age where I need my false teeth and hearing aid before I can ask where I left my glasses. 

The morning of the big parade, a man and a little boy entered a barber shop together. “Give me the full treatment,” the man said. “I want to look good in the parade!”

After the man received a shave, manicure, and haircut, he placed the boy in the chair. “I’m going to buy a new tie to wear for the parade,” he said. “I’ll be back in a few minutes.”

When the boy’s haircut was done and the man still hadn’t returned, the barber said, “It looks like your daddy forgot all about you.”

“That wasn’t my daddy,” said the boy. “He just walked up, took me by the hand and said, “Come on, son, we’re gonna get a free haircut!”

One Liner

When it comes to telling her age, she’s shy…about 10 years shy.

A mom was driving her 5-year-old son to McDonald’s one day and they passed a car accident. Whenever the mom saw something like that, she would always say a prayer for those who might be hurt, so she pointed and said to her son, “We should pray.”

From the back seat, she heard his earnest request: “Please, God, don’t let those cars block the entrance to McDonald’s.”

One Liner

Etc.: An abbreviation to make others think you know more than you actually do.

A grandmother sent her grandson a shirt for his birthday. The only trouble was that he had a size 14 neck and the shirt was size 12.

When the grandson sent a thank you note, he wrote, “Dear Grandma. Thanks a lot for the shirt. I’d write more, but I’m all choked up.”

One Liner

Don’t let anyone treat you like free salsa. You’re guacamole!

Driving to a new restaurant, a woman took several wrong turns. When she finally found the right road, she asked her husband, “Why didn’t you tell me I was lost?”

“I thought you knew where you were going,” he replied. “You always know where you’re going when I’m driving.”

One Liner

As long as I live, I will never forget what’s-her-name.

The day I immigrated to the United States, I was given an alien ID card that featured a cute photo of me at age 15. Years later, when I went to the courthouse to become a citizen, a clerk confiscated my card.

“What will you do with it?” my wife asked.

“We burn it,” was the answer.

“Could you please cut the photo off and let us keep it?” asked my wife.

“Certainly not,” said the clerk. “This card is official U.S. government property. As such it cannot be mutilated before it’s destroyed.”

One Liner

Fish bite twice a day … before you get there and after you leave.

The salesman at the furniture store told me, “This sofa will seat 5 people without any problems.”

I said, “And just where am I going to find 5 people without any problems???

One Liner

He knew everything, but that’s all.

“How was your blind date?” a college student asked her roommate.

“Terrible!” the roommate answered. “He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce.”

“Wow! That’s a very expensive car. What’s so bad about that?”

“He was the original owner!”

One Liner

Here’s a question for the mind readers out there.