Parent #1: “What did your daughter take in college?”

Parent #2: “Every penny I’ve got.”

One Liner
When a man opens the car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.

Thought for the day
“Good planning and hard work lead to prosperity, but hasty shortcuts lead to poverty” Proverbs 21:5 NLT

If you want God to use you in great ways, you need focus. The more focused you are, the more effective you’ll be—and the more God will use you.

An old guy shows up at the Pearly Gates.

“Man,” he says to Saint Peter, “I was so busy when I was working, and even busier after I retired. Now it’s time for some much needed R and R.”

Saint Peter looks at him and says “Didn’t you hear? You have a new agenda!”

“Agenda?” says the man as he hurriedly rustles through his welcome packet. “Where is it?!”

Saint Peter smiles and says “Oh, it’s on the cloud now!”

One Liner
One of the lessons of life is that nothing is often a good thing to do and always a clever thing to say.

Ms. Jones, the 6th grade teacher, posed the following problem to one of her arithmetic classes: “A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars. One-fifth is to go to his wife, one-fifth is to go to his son, one-sixth to his butler, and the rest to charity. Now, what does each get?”

After a very long silence in the classroom, little Dewey raised his hand. The teacher called on Dewey for his answer.

With complete sincerity in his voice, little Dewey answered, “A lawyer.”

One Liner
On one hand, I’m indecisive; but on the other, I’m not.

A customer in a New York restaurant gushed to the chef:  “Your veal parmigiana is superb!  I spent a month in Italy, and yours is better than any I had over there.”

“Naturally,” the chef said. “Over there, they use domestic cheese. Ours is imported!”

One Liner
Oh, no! Not ANOTHER learning experience!

An airhead calls to order a pizza.  The clerk asks, “Do you want that cut in six or 12 pieces?”

The airhead answers, “Oh just six – I could never eat 12 pieces of pizza!”

One Liner
I can’t complain. But sometimes I still do.

Thought for the day
“Lord, take notice of the threats they have made, and allow us, your servants, to speak your message with all boldness”  Acts 4:29 GNT

The answer to your fear isn’t to give in to it. It’s to move forward boldly in spite of it. You stand up to the fear. Fear doesn’t respond to logic, so your only chance to get rid of the fear is to trust God and face the fear.

While driving truck I once had to make a delivery to Death Valley, California.

When I arrived it was 128 degrees Fahrenheit. After just a few minutes I was so miserable I was afraid I was going to die.

After a couple hours, it was still 128 degrees, but I was so miserable that I was afraid I wasn’t going to die.

One Liner
Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.

Thought for the day
“Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others” Philippians 2:4 NIV

If you want to connect with people, you start with their needs, not your own. Start with theirhurts, not your own. Start with what they want, not what you want. There’s an old Chinese saying that says this: “Seek to understand before seeking to be understood.”

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple’s house and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, “Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.”
The other man said, “What is the name of the restaurant?”
The first man thought and thought and finally said, “What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know, the one that is red and has thorns.”
“Do you mean a rose?”
“Yes,” the man said. He turned toward the kitchen and yelled, “Rose, what’s the name of that restaurant we went to last night?”

One Liner
Police officer: Excuse me, but your dog has been chasing a man on his bicycle.
Dog owner: Are you crazy? My dog can’t even ride a bicycle.

Thought for the day
“All the believers were together and had everything in common. Selling their possessions and goods, they gave to anyone as he had need” Acts 2:44-45 NIV

These early Christians didn’t just give their money. They were generous with everything they had. You could say they were radically generous.

Taking great pains to be specific, the new auto-shop teacher on our staff explained to three of his students that he wanted them to clean a car that was parked outside. He gave them two extension cords, the vacuum cleaner, a bucket, rags and the car keys.  He mentioned that the car was one to be used in his class.

Later he went out and discovered them sitting in the car, feet up on the dashboard, listening to the stereo. “Why aren’t you vacuuming the car?” he asked.

“Because the extension cord wouldn’t reach,” was the reply.

Exasperated, the teacher stated, “That’s why I gave you two.”

“We tried the other one,” a student said, “but it wouldn’t reach either.”

One Liner
Why be difficult?  Put in some effort and be impossible.

Thought for the day
“In Christ we, though many, form one body, and each member belongs to all the others” Romans 12:5 NIV

While your relationship to Christ is personal, God never intends it to be private. In God’s family you are connected to every other believer

The following sign hangs in a local auto-repair garage:
AUTO REPAIR PRICE LIST:

Ping-Ping-Ping………$35.00
Plunk-Ping-Plunk……$50.00
Klunk-Ping-Klunk….$125.00
Thud-Klunk-Thud…..$200.00
Clang-Thud-Klank….$325.00

One Liner
Why was it so hot in the stadium after the baseball game? All the fans left!

Thought for the day
“It is not good for the man to be alone” Genesis 2:18 NIV

We are created for community, fashioned for fellowship, and formed for a family, and none of us can fulfill God’s purposes by ourselves. The Bible knows nothing of solitary saints or spiritual hermits.

My husband and I purchased an old home in Northern New York State from two elderly sisters.  Winter was fast approaching and I was concerned about the house’s lack of insulation.

“If they could live here all those years, so can we!” my husband confidently declared.

One November night the temperature plunged to below zero, and we woke up to find our interior walls covered with frost.

My husband called the sisters to ask how they had kept warm in the winter.

After a rather brief conversation, he hung up. “For the past 30 years,” he muttered, “they’ve spent the winter in Florida.”

One Liner
First time in history we can save the human race by laying in front of the TV and doing nothing. Let’s NOT mess this up!

Thought for the day
“God’s family is the church of the living God, the pillar and foundation of the truth” (1 Timothy 3:15 GW).

You are called to belong, not just believe.