One day while driving through a neighborhood near his church, Pastor John saw a little boy on a front porch, struggling trying to reach the doorbell.

Feeling like he needed to help the young fellow, he stopped his car and got out to help. He pressed the doorbell for him and said, in a teaching way, “Now what do we do?”

“Now,” the boy said, laughing, “we run!”

One Liner
We have mileage, yardage and footage. Why don’t we have inchage?

Thought for the day
“People who promise things that they never give are like clouds and wind that bring no rain”  Proverbs 25:14 GNT

People of integrity keep their word. If they say they’ll do it, they do it. If they say they’ll be there, they show up.

Kids have a greater need for speed than classroom computers can deliver.

Impatient to turn in his term paper, one restless student kept clicking the “Print” command.

The printer started to churn out copy after copy of the kid’s ten-page report.

The topic?

“Save Our Trees.”

One Liner
What do you call a chicken that’s afraid?

Thought for the day
“Be humble when you correct people who oppose you . . . They have been trapped by the devil, and he makes them obey him, but God may help them escape”  2 Timothy 2:25-26 CEV

When you face opposition because of your faith, you need to recognize the source of the opposition.

A lonely frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline and asked what his future holds.

His Personal Psychic Advisor tells him, “You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you.”

The frog is thrilled, “This is great! Will I meet her at a party?” he croaks.

“No,” says the psychic, “in biology class.”

One Liner
No problem is so large or so difficult that it can’t be blamed on somebody else.

Thought for the day
“How can a young person stay on the path of purity? By living according to your word” Psalm 119:9 NIV

The only way you’re going to know what God approves of and what he thinks of you is by reading the Bible. You must stay in God’s Word! If you don’t, you will not have the strength and the stamina to live with integrity.

THE HOKEY POKEY, SHAKESPEAREAN STYLE

O proud left foot, that ventures quick within,
Then soon upon a backward journey lithe.
Anon, once more the gesture, then begin:
Command sinistral pedestal to writhe.
Commence thou then the fervid Hokey-Poke.
A mad gyration, hips in wanton swirl.
To spin! A wilde release from heaven’s yoke.
Blessed dervish! Surely canst go, girl.
The Hoke, the poke — banish now thy doubt
Verily, I say, ’tis what it’s all about.

One Liner
Yes, I live in my own little world, but that’s okay.  They all know me there.

Thought for the day
“God blesses those whose hearts are pure, for they will see God” Matthew 5:8 NLT

To “see God” means to experience the presence of God. Believers who have a pure heart get to feel the power of God. They get to know the purpose of God for their lives. They get to live in the peace of God.

Irritated Boss: “Can’t you hear that the phone is ringing?  You must answer the telephone!”

New Secretary: “All right, but it seems so silly.  Nine times out of ten, it’s for you.”

One Liner
Why do slim chance and fat chance mean the same thing?

Thought for today
“If you are suffering in a manner that pleases God, keep on doing what is right, and trust your lives to the God who created you, for he will never fail you”  1 Peter 4:19 NLT

The most important thing you can remember when you’ve been treated unfairly is that Jesus is on your side.

Imagine the scene:  God sitting on His thrown.  A man standing in front of him next to scores of blackboards, whiteboards, electronic displays, and the like.  God is looking at the man with a very bored expression on His face.

He addresses the man, ”Okay, I said you could have all the time you needed to make your point.  Time is nothing to me here.  But explain to me once again how your presentation proves I don’t exist!”

One Liner
Power corrupts. Absolute power is kinda’ neat.

Thought for the day
“Be careful what you think, because your thoughts run your life” Proverbs 4:23 NCV

Every temptation starts in the mind

A man parks his bicycle nearby the Capitol in Washington, DC and walks on.

A police officer stops him and asks, “Why did you park your bicycle here? Don’t you know it is a VIP road and all congressmen and senators pass from here?”

Man replied, “Don’t you worry about it, I locked my bicycle!”

One Liner
Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.

Thought for the day
“You are my friends if you do what I command”  John 15:14 NLT

You can’t say you love Jesus and then go live like the devil. You can’t say you’re a Christian and then keep on living a self-centered life. You can’t say you’re a follower of Jesus and then pick and choose the verses that you want to listen to and ignore the ones you don’t. Jesus says you’re his friend if you obey him and his commandments.

“I’m sorry,” said the clerk in flower shop, “we don’t have potted geraniums. Could you use African violets instead?”

Replied the customer sadly, “No, it was geraniums my wife told me to water while she was gone.”

One Liner
If a vacuum really sucks, is that good?

Thought for the day
“You should know that loving the world is the same as hating God. Anyone who wants to be a friend of the world becomes God’s enemy” James 4:4 NCV

When James writes, “loving the world,” he means loving the value system of the world. God wants you to love people, but that doesn’t mean you have to love the world’s value system.

MY FORGETTER
My forgetter’s getting better
But my rememberer is broke
To you that may seem funny
But, to me, that is no joke

For when I’m “here” I’m wondering
If I really should be “there”
And, when I try to think it through,
I haven’t got a prayer!

Oft times I walk into a room,
Say, “What am I here for?”
I rack my brain, but all in vain
A zero is my score.

At times I put something away
Where it is safe, but, Gee!
The person it is safest from
Is, generally, me!

When shopping I may see someone,
Say “Hi” and have a chat,
Then, when the person walks away
I ask myself, “Who was that?”

Yes, my forgetter’s getting better
While my rememberer is broke,
And it’s driving me plumb crazy
And that isn’t any joke.

One Liner
Even if you are on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there.

Thought for the day
“Some of these people have missed the most important thing in life—they don’t know God” 1 Timothy 6:21 TLB

The key to a friendship with God is deciding whose friendship you want most.

A little boy watched, fascinated, as his mother gently massaged cold cream on her face.

“Why are you rubbing that on your face, Mommy?” he asked.

“To make myself beautiful,” said his mother.

A few minutes later, she began removing the cream with a tissue.

“What’s the matter?” he asked. “Are you giving up?”

One Liner
All the instruments seeking intelligent life in the universe are pointed away from Earth.

Thought for the day
“Friendship with God is reserved for those who reverence him. With them alone he shares the secrets of his promises”  Psalm 25:14 TLB

Many people don’t know God. They haven’t experienced God’s love. They don’t know why he does what he does. Yet, the Bible says that friendship with God is reserved for those who reverence him—in other words, those who slow down and spend time with him.