A husband is advised by a psychiatrist to assert himself, “You don’t have to let your wife henpeck you.  Go home and show her you are the boss.”

Of course, the husband takes the doctor’s advice.  He rushes home, slams the door, shakes his fist in his wife’s face, and growls, “From now on, you’re taking orders from me.  I want my supper right now, and when you get it on the table, go upstairs and lay out my best clothes.  Tonight

I’m going out with the boys and you are going to stay at home where you belong. 

And another thing …  you know who’s going to comb my hair, adjust my pants, and then tie my bow tie?” 

“I certainly do,” says his wife calmly … 

“The undertaker!”

One Liner
In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.

Thought for the day
Proverbs 4:23 says, “Be careful how you think; your life is shaped by your thoughts” (LB).  

Your thoughts don’t have to be true to hurt you; you just have to believe them. If you tell yourself your marriage won’t last, then it won’t. If you’re afraid you can’t do something, then you won’t. Your thoughts run your life!

One Sunday a pastor told the congregation that the church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.
 
After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in offering. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he’d like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate.
 
A very quiet, elderly, saintly lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanksgiving asked her to pick out three hymns.
 
Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said, “I’ll take him, and him, and him.”

One Liner
A child’s greatest period of growth is the month after you’ve purchased new school clothes.

Thought for the day
Psalm 116:7 says, “I said to myself, ‘Relax, the Lord is going to take care of you'”  (NCV). If you really trust in God, you’re going to be less stressed.

You have a choice –

• You can either worry or worship.
• You can either pray or panic.

The more you pray, the less you’ll panic. Relax, because God will take care of you!

Reporter interviewing a 104-year-old woman: 
‘And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?’ the reporter asked. 
She simply replied, ‘No peer pressure.’ 

One Liner
Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.

Thought for the day
Suppose a brother or sister is without clothes and daily food. If one of you says to him, ‘Go, I wish you well; keep warm and well fed,’ but does nothing about his physical needs, what good is it?” James 2:15-16 (NIV)

Faith is more than something you just feel. Many people confuse emotions and feelings with faith. They come to church and they’re moved emotionally, they’re inspired, and they’re stimulated. But that doesn’t mean they’re walking in faith.

If you’re in a social situation, and women are talking to each other, and one woman says, “I was hit by a car today,” all the other women will say, “You’re kidding! What happened? Where? Are you all right?”
 
In the same situation with males, one male says, “I was hit by a car today,” I guarantee you that there will be another male in the group who will say, “Wait till I tell you what happened to me.”

One Liner
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

Thought for the day
“I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.” Matthew 18:3 (NIV)

Jesus says this childlike nature is necessary to enter the kingdom of heaven. Oswald Chambers says we can be uncertain of the next step, but we can be certain of God.

FOUR ALL WHO REED AND RIGHT

We’ll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes; but the plural of ox became oxen not oxes.

One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese, yet the plural of moose should never be meese.

You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice; yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.

If the plural of man is always called men, why shouldn’t the plural of pan be called pen?

If I spoke of my foot and show you my feet, and I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?

If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth, why shouldn’t the plural of booth be called beeth?

Then one may be that,

And three would be those,

yet hat in the plural would never be hose, and the plural of cat is cats, not cose.

We speak of a brother and also of brethren, but though we say mother, we never say methren.

Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him, but imagine the feminine, she, shis and shim.

One Liner
Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.

Thought for the day
“Then God opened her eyes and she saw a well of water. So she went and filled the skin with water and gave the boy a drink.” (Genesis 21:19 NIV)

That’s what we all need. We need God to open our eyes so we can see the answer to our problems in his Word. Truth is, we’re incapable of finding the answers to the problems that plague us on our own. Like Hagar, we desperately need the Lord.

College Applicant

Parents can be very upset when their children don’t get into the college of their choice.

As an admissions counselor for a state university, I took a call from an irate mother who was demanding to know why her daughter had been turned down. Avoiding any mention of the transcript full of D’s, I explained that her daughter just wasn’t as “competitive” as the admitted class.

“Why doesn’t she try anther school for a year and then transfer?” I suggested.

“Another school!” exclaimed the Mother. “Have you seen her grades?”

One Liner
“Would you like some cheese to go with that whine?”

Thought for the day
God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work. 2 Corinthians 9:8 (NIV)

I did a little Greek study of the word “all” and this is what I discovered: the word “all” means “all.”

A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child’s work.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, “I’m drawing God.”

The teacher paused and said, “But no one knows what God looks like.”

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, “They will in a minute.”

One Liner
If you really want to make a long story short, don’t tell it.

Thought for the day
“All Scripture is inspired by God and is useful to teach us what is true and to make us realize what is wrong in our lives. It corrects us when we are wrong and teaches us to do what is right. God uses it to prepare and equip his people to do every good work.” 2 Timothy 3:16-17 (NIV)

I was once asked what the best translation of the Bible was. My answer: When you translate it into your life. That’s what Bible study is all about. If you’re not translating God’s Word into your life, you’re not studying the Bible the way God intended.

Two hunters got lost in the woods. The first hunter said, “Don’t worry. All we have to do is shoot into the air three times, stay where we are, and someone will find us.”

So they shot in the air three times, but no one came. After a while, they tried it again; still no response.

Finally the second hunter said, “I suppose we can try again, but it better work this time. We’re down to our last three arrows.”

One Liner
“Be different: conform.”

Thought for the day
You can’t succeed in life until you change your attitude about the work you are doing right now. Romans 12:11 says, “Never be lazy, but work hard and serve the Lord enthusiastically” (NLT).