“A Woman’s Prayer”
 
Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
Love to forgive him: and
Patience for his moods.
Because Lord, if I pray for strength,
I’ll beat him to death!
Amen!

One Liner
A key ring is a handy little gadget that allows you to lose all your keys at once.

Thought for the day
“I am like a caravan, lost in the desert searching for water.” (Job 6:18 CEV)

If you feel like God is a million miles away, guess who moved? God didn’t move; you did.

Ways in Which College is Different from High School

17. In high school, you do homework. In college you study.
 
16. No food is allowed in the hall in high school. In college, food must be provided at an event before students will come.
 
15. In high school, you wear your backpack on one shoulder; in college on both.
 
14. In college, the professors can tell you the answer without looking at the teacher’s guide.
 
13. In college, there are no bells or tardy slips.
 
12. In high school, you have to live with your parents. In college, you get to live with your friends.
 
11. In high school, you’re told what classes to take. In college, you get to choose; that is, as long as the classes don’t conflict and you have the prerequisites and the classes aren’t closed and you’ve paid your tuition.
 
10. In high school, if you screw up you can usually sweet-talk your way out of it. In college, you’re lucky to ever talk with the professor.
 
9. In high school, fire drills are planned by the administration; in college, by the pranksters from the dorms.
 
8. In college, any test consists of a larger percentage of your grade even than your high school final exams did. (Just to share: Kristin’s Bio class: 30% midterm 1, 30% midterm 2, 40% final; Soc class: 10% section grade, 40% midterm, 50% final, etc.. ..etc..)
 
7. In high school, when the teacher said, “Good morning,” you mumbled back. In college, when the professor says, “Good morning,” you write it down.
 
6. In college, there’s no one to tell you not to eat pizza three meals a day.
 
5. In college, your dad doesn’t pay for dates.
 
4. In high school, it never took 3 or 4 weeks to get money from Mom and Dad.
 
3. In college, when you miss a class or two or three, you don’t need a note from your parents saying you were skip… .uh, sick that day.
 
2. In high school, you can’t go out to lunch because it’s not allowed. In college, you can’t go out to lunch because you can’t afford it.
 
1. In college, you can blow off studying by writing lists like this.

One Liner
There are three kinds of men. The one that learns by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to touch the electric fence for themselves. 

Thought for the day
“Give yourselves completely to God – every part of you … you want to be tools in the hands of God, to be used for his good purposes.”(Romans 6:13b LB)

God doesn’t want anything less than your all given to Him.  Don’t put God in first place – but rather make Him the total focus of your life!  

One Liner
I remember when Halloween was the scariest night of the year. Now, it’s Election night!!

Thought for the day
I John 4:8 says, “…for God is love.” In fact, John went on to write, “There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves punishment, and the one who fears is not perfected in love.” If we have given our lives to God, if we have found reconciliation with Him through the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ, then we have nothing to fear from God. We have no fear of punishment, but the great expectation of living in the love of God which will drive fear from us.

An African-American preacher in Alabama during the Dust Bowl scheduled a special prayer service to pray for rain. The church was packed out with folks from far and wife. 

The preacher stepped into the pulpit, scanned the assembled congregation, and told everyone, “Y’all can head on home.  This service is over!”  

The people protested, “But we’ve not prayed for rain!” 

“Won’t do a lick of good,” the preacher replied.  “Ain’t none of you brought their umbrella!”

One Liner
Don’t corner something meaner than you. 

Thought for the day
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.” Proverbs 3:5-6 (NIV)

You may be facing a dead end right now—financial, emotional, or relational—but if you will trust God and keep on moving in faith, even when you don’t see a way, he will make a way. 

NEW PASTOR

My appointment as the new pastor coincided with the church’s appeal for aid for victims of a hurricane.

Unfortunately, on my first Sunday in the parish, the center page of the church bulletin was accidentally omitted. So members of the congregation read from the bottom of the second page to the top of the last page:

“Welcome to the Rev. Andrew Jensen and his family … the worst disaster to hit the area in this century. The full extent of the tragedy is not yet known.”

One Liner
Sign posted in an Army recruiting office: “Marry a veteran, girls!  He can cook, make beds, sew, and is already used to taking orders.”

Thought for the day
When he saw the crowds, he had compassion on them, because they were harassed and helpless, like sheep without a shepherd. Then he said to his disciples, “The harvest is plentiful but the workers are few. Ask the Lord of the harvest, therefore, to send out workers into his harvest field.” (Matthew 9:36–38 NIV)

Jesus calls us to join him in his work. Jesus calls us to pray that others will join us in this work. God fills us with his love and compassion so we can minister to those who are harassed, helpless and beaten down by life. We carry the good news that Jesus helps us overcome the heartache of our hearts.

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip.  

After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night and went to sleep.
 
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. “Watson, look up and tell me what you see.”
 
Watson replied, “I see millions and millions of stars.”
 
“What does that tell you?”
 
Watson pondered for a minute. “Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant in comparison. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Why, what does it tell YOU?”
 
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke.
 
“Watson, you fool. Some knucklehead has stolen our tent!!”

One Liner
“The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.”

Thought for the day
For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet was without sin. Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need. Hebrews 4:15–16 (NIV)

Jesus was tempted, but he did not sin. If Jesus was tempted, yet did not sin, then temptation is not a sin. Our freedom to decide not to sin was bought by the blood of Jesus Christ. The temptation is the intruder who prompts us to call 911; he hasn’t stolen anything yet.

MOSES AND THE RED SEA

Nine-year-old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday School. “Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt.  When he got to the  Red Sea, he had his army build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely.  Then he radioed headquarters for reinforcements.  They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved.”

“Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?” his mother asked.

“Well, no, Mom. But, if I told it the way the teacher did, you’d never believe it!”

One Liner
I finally remembered the punch line! But now I forgot the joke.

Thought for the day
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding.” (Proverbs 3:6 NLT)

Anytime we demonstrate faith, we’re relying on something. When you sit in a chair, you’re relying on the chair’s manufacturer to produce something that will hold you up.  Faith in God means we rely on him and depend on his reliability. Having faith means realizing that God is bigger, greater, and better than me – and he loves me greatly.