An African-American preacher in Alabama during the Dust Bowl scheduled a special prayer service to pray for rain. The church was packed out with folks from far and wife. 

The preacher stepped into the pulpit, scanned the assembled congregation, and told everyone, “Y’all can head on home.  This service is over!”  

The people protested, “But we’ve not prayed for rain!” 

“Won’t do a lick of good,” the preacher replied.  “Ain’t none of you brought their umbrella!”

One Liner
Don’t corner something meaner than you. 

Thought for the day
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.” Proverbs 3:5-6 (NIV)

You may be facing a dead end right now—financial, emotional, or relational—but if you will trust God and keep on moving in faith, even when you don’t see a way, he will make a way. 

NEW PASTOR

My appointment as the new pastor coincided with the church’s appeal for aid for victims of a hurricane.

Unfortunately, on my first Sunday in the parish, the center page of the church bulletin was accidentally omitted. So members of the congregation read from the bottom of the second page to the top of the last page:

“Welcome to the Rev. Andrew Jensen and his family … the worst disaster to hit the area in this century. The full extent of the tragedy is not yet known.”

One Liner
Sign posted in an Army recruiting office: “Marry a veteran, girls!  He can cook, make beds, sew, and is already used to taking orders.”

Thought for the day
When he saw the crowds, he had compassion on them, because they were harassed and helpless, like sheep without a shepherd. Then he said to his disciples, “The harvest is plentiful but the workers are few. Ask the Lord of the harvest, therefore, to send out workers into his harvest field.” (Matthew 9:36–38 NIV)

Jesus calls us to join him in his work. Jesus calls us to pray that others will join us in this work. God fills us with his love and compassion so we can minister to those who are harassed, helpless and beaten down by life. We carry the good news that Jesus helps us overcome the heartache of our hearts.

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip.  

After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night and went to sleep.
 
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. “Watson, look up and tell me what you see.”
 
Watson replied, “I see millions and millions of stars.”
 
“What does that tell you?”
 
Watson pondered for a minute. “Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant in comparison. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Why, what does it tell YOU?”
 
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke.
 
“Watson, you fool. Some knucklehead has stolen our tent!!”

One Liner
“The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.”

Thought for the day
For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet was without sin. Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need. Hebrews 4:15–16 (NIV)

Jesus was tempted, but he did not sin. If Jesus was tempted, yet did not sin, then temptation is not a sin. Our freedom to decide not to sin was bought by the blood of Jesus Christ. The temptation is the intruder who prompts us to call 911; he hasn’t stolen anything yet.

MOSES AND THE RED SEA

Nine-year-old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday School. “Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt.  When he got to the  Red Sea, he had his army build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely.  Then he radioed headquarters for reinforcements.  They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved.”

“Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?” his mother asked.

“Well, no, Mom. But, if I told it the way the teacher did, you’d never believe it!”

One Liner
I finally remembered the punch line! But now I forgot the joke.

Thought for the day
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding.” (Proverbs 3:6 NLT)

Anytime we demonstrate faith, we’re relying on something. When you sit in a chair, you’re relying on the chair’s manufacturer to produce something that will hold you up.  Faith in God means we rely on him and depend on his reliability. Having faith means realizing that God is bigger, greater, and better than me – and he loves me greatly. 

Bacon and eggs walk into a bar after a long day of being bacon and eggs. They walk up to the bartender and ask for a beer.

The bartender takes one look at them and says, “Sorry fellas, but we don’t serve breakfast.”

One Liner
If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!

Thought for the day
“Do not conform yourselves to the standards of this world, but let God transform you inwardly by a complete change of your mind.” (Romans 12:2a TEV)

The way we act is determined by the way we feel. The way we feel is determined by the way we think. If we want to change the way we act, we have to change the way we think. If we want to change a habitual pattern of improper anger management — pouting, blowing up, criticizing, etc. — then we need to have some mental reconditioning.

Let God’s Word fill your thoughts, you will be transformed by the renewing of your mind. It’s going to change you. 

A couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, the wife sarcastically asked, “Relatives of yours?” 

“Yep,” the husband replied, “In-laws.”

One Liner
One nice thing about egotists: They don’t talk about other people.

Thought for the day
“So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed” (John 8:36 NIV).

 When you realize how much God loves you, you’ll begin to live in true freedom.

DID NOAH FISH?

A Sunday school teacher asked, “Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark?”

“Oh no, teacher,” replied Johnny. “How could he, with just two worms?”

One Liner
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply be kind to others.

Thought for the day
Jesus said, “You cannot serve both God and money,” (Matthew 6:24 NIV) and “Wherever your treasure is, your heart will be also” (Matthew 6:21 NIV). 

Retirement is not the goal of a surrender life, because it competes with God for the primary attention of our lives. 

During our travels as a training team, my husband and I stayed overnight with a single lady in her mobile home. Before retiring, my husband thought he should check the hot water provisions since all three of us needed to attend an early meeting the next morning.
 
He asked our hostess if there would be enough hot water for more than one shower in the morning. “I really don’t know,” she admitted. “I’ve never taken two in a row!”

One Liner
Ignorance might be bliss to you, but it’s agony to everyone around you.

Thought for the day
I said to myself, “Relax, because the Lord takes care of you.” Psalm 116:7 (NCV)

God has given you the gift of your body and it comes with an owner’s manual – the Bible. In it are all the instructions you need to take care of yourself and live a long life.