“Late Arrival”

A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells “You should have been here at 8:30!”

He replies: “Why? What happened at 8:30?”

One LINER
“The reason congressmen try so hard to get re-elected is that they would hate to have to make a living under the laws they’ve passed.”

Thought for the day
Be careful how you think; your life is shaped by your thoughts. Proverbs 4:23 (GNT)

If you want to change the way you act, you must first change how you think.

Three weeks after her wedding day, Barbara called her minister.

“Reverend,” she wailed, “Nate and I had a DREADFUL fight!”

“Calm down, my child,” said the minister, “it’s not half as bad as you think. EVERY marriage has to have its first fight!”

“I know, I know!” said Barbara. “But what am I going to do with the BODY?”

One LINER
Called my stockbroker this morning and asked him what I should be buying? He said, “Canned goods and ammunition.”

Thought for the day
“Some friendships do not last, but some friends are more loyal than brothers” (Proverbs 18:24 TEV).

The Bible gives us six building blocks for developing long-term relationships:
We must be considerate, confidential, candid, constructive, consistent and committed. “
The point is obvious: You will attract whatever you are!

“Our last fight was really my fault. My wife asked, ‘What’s on the TV?’

And I said, ‘Dust!'”

One Liner
“You may not like Mondays, but they are one-seventh of your life.”

Thought for the day
“These things I plan won’t happen right away. Slowly, steadily, surely, the time approaches when the vision will be fulfilled. If it seems slow, do not despair, for these things will surely come to pass. Just be patient! They will not be overdue a single day!” Habakkuk 2:3, LB

NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS YOU CAN KEEP

Are you sick of making the same resolutions year after year that you never keep? Why not promise to do something you can ACTUALLY accomplish?

Here are some resolutions that you can use as a starting point:

~ Gain weight. At least 30 pounds.
~ Stop exercising. Waste of time.
~ Read less. Makes you think.
~ Watch more TV and Netflix. I’ve been missing some good stuff.
~ Procrastinate more. Starting tomorrow.
~ Spend more time at work and on social media.
~ Take a vacation to someplace important, like to see the world’s largest ball of twine.
~ Don’t jump off a cliff just because everyone else did.
~ Stop bringing lunch from home – eat out more.
~ Don’t have eight children at once.
~ Get in a whole NEW rut!
~ Start being superstitious.
~ Personal goal: Don’t bring back disco.
~ Speak in a monotone voice and only use monosyllabic words.
~ Only wear jeans that are 2 sizes too small and use a chain or rope for a belt.
~ Create loose ends.
~ Get more toys.
~ Get further in debt.
~ Don’t believe politicians.
~ Break at least one traffic law.
~ Don’t drive a motorized vehicle across thin ice.
~ Don’t swim with piranhas or sharks.
~ Spread out priorities beyond the ability to keep track of them.
~ Wait for opportunity to knock.
~ Focus on the faults of others.
~ Mope about faults.
~ Never make New Year’s resolutions again.

One Liner
I was going to quit all my bad habits for the new year, but then I remembered that nobody likes a quitter.

Thought for the day
“Do everything in love” 1 Corinthians 16:14 NIV

Your number one goal in life should be to learn how to really love your family, your neighbors, and even those who are hard to love. That makes you more like God, because God is love

NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS

2016: I will get my weight down below 180 pounds.

2017: I will follow my new diet religiously until I get below 200 pounds.

2018: I will develop a realistic attitude about my weight.

2019: I will work out 3 days a week.

2020: I will try to drive past a gym at least once a week.

One Liner
My New Year’s resolution is to help all my friends gain ten pounds so I look skinnier.

Thought for the day
The Bible says in Psalm 68:4, “Sing to God, sing praises to his name; lift up a song to him . . . his name is the Lord” (ESV).

For your own transformation, you need to start singing at church. You need to celebrate what God has done in your life and thank him through song.

Good Point…

“If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?” I asked the children in my Sunday School class.

“NO!” the children all answered.

“If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?”

Again, the answer was, “NO!”

“Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my wife, would that get me into Heaven?” I asked them again.

Again, they all answered, “NO!”

“Well, I continued, “then how can I get into Heaven?”

A five-year-old boy shouted out, “YOU GOTTA be dead!”

One Liner
I just read that YouTube, Twitter, and Facebook are merging. It’ll be called You-Twit-Face.

Thought for the day
The Bible says in 1 Corinthians 10:31, “When you eat or drink or do anything else, always do it to honor God” (CEV).

Everything can be done to honor God. You can honor God by taking out the trash. You can honor God by washing the dishes. You can honor God by doing that mundane task at work. How? By doing it with the right motive: gratitude. If you want your life to bring honor to God, set goals that help you be the best you can be for God’s glory.

There was this lady who was visiting a church one Sunday.

The sermon seemed to go on forever, and many in the congregation fell asleep. After the service, she walked up to a very sleepy-looking gentleman, extended her hand in greeting, and said, “Hello, I’m Gladys Dunn.”

And the gentleman replied, “You’re not the only one, ma’am, I’m glad it’s done too!!”

One Liner
How come wrong numbers are never busy?

Thought for the day
“Let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching” Hebrews 10:24-25 NIV

If you want to go the distance in your relationship with Jesus, don’t run the marathon on your own. No one can run the race for you, but other people can—and should—run the race with you.

As husband comes in from the garage. His wife asks, “How are you?”

He replied, “I lost something. I thought I had put it somewhere safe in the garage.”

She asked, “How many safe places are there in the garage?”

“Clearly one more than I can remember.”

One Liner
“Ever notice how the most often quoted person is Anon?”
– Anon

Thought for the day
Faith is doing what’s right even when it seems absurd. Proverbs 3:5 says, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not rely on your own understanding” (HCSB). You never know the whole picture, but God does.