A wife says to her husband one weekend morning, “We’ve got such a clever dog. He brings in the daily newspapers every morning.”

Her husband replied “Well, lots of dogs can do that.”

The wife responded, ” But we’ve never subscribed to any papers!”

[forwarded by Adon Brownell)

One Liner
All my friends tell me peer pressure is cool.

Thought for the day
“The poor, deluded fool … trusts something that can’t help him at all. Yet he cannot bring himself to ask: ‘Is this idol that I’m holding in my hand a lie?’” Isaiah 44:20 NLT

Oh, yes, those idols are lies. Sadly, idols don’t just stop after they’ve disappointed us, though. Eventually, they enslave us, too.

Tommy had reached school age.  His Mom worked hard to make him enthusiastic about the idea.  She bought him lots of new clothes, told him of the new friends he’d meet, and so on.

The first day of school, he eagerly set off.  When he came back home he had a lot of glowing reports about school!

Next morning his Mom woke him up saying, “Tommy, it’s time to get ready for school.”

Tommy said, “What?  Again?”

One Liner
Age is a question of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.

Thought for the day
“A fool expresses all his emotions, but a wise person controls them” Proverbs 29:11 GW

To live responsibly, we must put our minds in gear before we put our mouths in gear. We must think before we act.

“This hotel stinks!” a guest complained when he showed up at the front desk to check out.

“What’s wrong?” I asked. “I got no sleep. Every 15 minutes this loud banging sound woke me up!”

I apologized for the noise and checked him out.

A few minutes later, a couple showed up. Again, I made the mistake of asking how their stay was.

“Terrible!” They said. “The guy in the next room was snoring so loudly that we had to bang on the wall every 15 minutes to wake him up!”

One Liner
After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?

Thought for the day
Proverbs 29:11: “Stupid people express their anger openly, but sensible people are patient and hold it back” (GNT).

Think before you speak. Delay is a tremendous remedy for anger.

WORD PLAYS
~ A man rushed into the doctor’s office and shouted, “Doctor! I think I’m shrinking!!” The doctor calmly responded, “Now, settle down. You’ll just have to be a little patient.”

~ Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. However, all the league records were unfortunately destroyed in a fire. Thus we’ll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

One Liner
A lot of church members who are singing “Standing on the Promises” are just sitting on the premises.

Thought for the day
“God has not given us a spirit of fear, but a spirit of power and love and self-control” 2 Timothy 1:7

The disciplines you establish today will determine your success tomorrow. The more I accept God’s control over my life, the more self-control he gives me!

Two preachers were on the roadside with a sign that read, “The End is Near – turn around now before it’s too late”. A passing driver yelled “leave us alone you religious nuts”. Then the preachers heard a loud splash. One preacher said to the other, “Do you think we should have just said “Bridge Out”.

One Liner
Be yourself…who else is better qualified?

Thought for the day
Since we are receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken, let us be thankful, and so worship God acceptably with reverence and awe. Hebrews 12:28

Our worship should be filled with awe that the holy God sent His only Son to redeem us and made us to be a holy people unto himself.

Two Canadian geese decided to fly south for the winter. A frog was sitting next to them as they decided this and he decided he wanted to go as well. The geese laughed and said “you’re just a frog- you can’t fly!” The frog knew that he didn’t want to stay in the cold, so he thought and thought and thought.

“I got an idea!” the frog said. He found a long stick. “You two hold this stick in your claws and I’ll hold on to the middle.”

“With what?” the geese asked. “Your little hands could never hold on to a stick!”

“With my mouth” said the frog, proud of his idea.

So the geese put the stick in there claws, the frog clamped on with his mouth and they began to fly south successfully.

A day or two later, a crowd of people looked up and saw the two geese flying overhead, holding a stick with a frog holding on in the middle with his mouth. Someone in the crowd exclaimed, “What a brilliant idea- I wonder who thought of that?”

The frog proudly exclaimed “I did!”

One LINER
There is no problem a good miracle can’t solve.

Thought for the day
So you must live as God’s obedient children. Don’t slip back into your old ways of living to satisfy your own desires. You didn’t know any better then. 1 Peter 1:14

I can remember my mother saying to me when I was a child “you know better”. It was during those times I learned what was expected of me. Here God is telling us to be obedient – know better – and be holy as he is holy!

Three Day Silence

My wife has not spoken to me in three days. I think it has something to do with what happened on Sunday night when she thought she heard a noise downstairs.

She nudged me and whispered, “Wake up, wake up!”

“What’s the matter?” I asked.

“There are burglars in the kitchen. I think they’re eating the tuna casserole I made tonight.”

“That’ll teach them!” I replied.

One LINER
“Frustration: Trying to find your glasses without your glasses.”

Thought for the day
God is our refuge and strength, 
an ever-present help in trouble. Psalm 46:1

God has power and authority to help us out of any trouble, anytime or anywhere

My father was completely lost in the kitchen and never ate unless someone prepared a meal for him. When Mother was ill, however, he volunteered to go to the supermarket for her. She sent him off with a carefully numbered list of seven items.

Dad returned shortly, very proud of himself, and proceeded to unpack the grocery bags. He had one bag of sugar, two dozen eggs, three hams, four boxes of detergent, five boxes of crackers, six eggplants, and seven green peppers.

One Liner
Did you know that dolphins are so intelligent that within only a few weeks of captivity, they can train humans to stand at the edge of the pool and throw them fish?

Thought for the day
“We know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them” Romans 8:28 NLT

The Bible isn’t saying that every event in your life will be good. You and I both know that’s just not true. But it does mean that when you put your whole life together, every piece of it works together for good.

Last night I was relaxing on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife’s voice from the kitchen: “Oh sweetheart, what would you like for dinner, my love? Chicken, beef or lamb?”

I said, “Thank you, darling. I think I’ll have chicken.”

She replied, “You’re havin’ a peanut butter sandwich. I was talkin’ to the dog!”

One Liner
If memory serves me right, it would be the first time.

Thought for the day
“[The] Master replied, ‘Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master’s happiness!” Matthew 25:21 NIV

Money is the acid test of your faithfulness. God uses it more than any other thing in your life to test your faith. Why? Because it’s the thing we have the hardest time with.