A lawyer is walking along the beach and spots a glass bottle in the sand. When he opens it he discovers a genie inside.

Genie: Sir, I will grant you three wishes, but you must understand that whatever you wish for, every other lawyer in the world will get double.

Man: Hmmm. Ok. First I’d like $100 million.

G: No problem, but just understand that each lawyer got $200 million.

M: I understand. For my second wish, I’d like a new Porsche. In red, please.

G: Fine. It is in your garage. And just FYI, every lawyer in the world just got two of the same.

M: That’s ok with me.

G: And for your third wish?

M: Well, I always did want to donate a kidney . . .

One Liner
Want to hear a word I just made up? Plagiarism.

Thought for the day
“There are different spiritual gifts, but the same Spirit gives them. There are different ways of serving, and yet the same Lord is served. There are different types of work to do, but the same God produces every gift in every person” (1 Corinthians 12:4-6 GW).

When you know what you’re shaped to be, then you know what you ought to be, and you can start focusing on that and make better use of your life.

A Scout Master was teaching his boy scouts about survival in the desert. “What are the three most important things you should bring with you in case you get lost in the desert?” he asked.

Several hands went up, and many important things were suggested such as food, matches, etc. Then one little boy in the back eagerly raised his hand.

“Yes Timmy, what are the three most important things you would bring with you?” asked the Scout Master.

Timmy replied: “A compass, a canteen of water, and a deck of cards.”

“Why’s that, Timmy?”

“Well,” answered Timmy, “the compass is to find the right direction, the water is to prevent dehydration…”

“And what about the deck of cards?” asked the Scout Master impatiently.

“Well, sir, as soon as you start playing Solitaire, someone is bound to come up behind you and say, ‘Put that red nine on top of that black ten!'”

One Liner
The speed in which a woman says “Nothing” when asked, “What’s wrong?” is adversely proportional to the severity of the storm that’s coming.

Thought for the day
Ecclesiastes 10:10, “If the ax is dull and its edge unsharpened, more strength is needed, but skill will bring success” (NIV).

That means practice, improve, sharpen, and develop. Any ability that God has given you can be increased with use

A young man bought the fastest motorcycle that money could buy–a Yamaondason 2000 SP 8.2. It was the most expensive bike in the world and cost him $32,150.99. The first day he bought the new bike he took it for a spin. While doing so he stopped at a red light at the city limits.

An old man pulled up next to him on a moped. The old man looked over at the bright, red, shiny, sleek new motorcycle and asked, “What kind of scooter ya got there, sonny?”

The young man replied, “It’s a Yamaondason 2000 SP 8.2. It costs $32,150.99 out the door.”

“That’s a lot of money,” said the old man, shocked. “Why does it cost so much?”

“Because this bike can go 200 mph!” exclaimed the young man.

The old fella asked, “Can I take a closer look at it?”

“Sure,” replied the new owner.

From his moped the old man leaned over and took a good look at the very fast-looking machine. Just then the light changed, so the young man decided to show the old guy what his new motorcycle could really do. He gave it full throttle and within 30 seconds the speedometer read 199 mph.

Suddenly, he noticed a dot in his rear-view mirror. It seemed to be getting closer! He slowed a little to see what it could be and suddenly, WHHHOOOSSSHHH! Something whipped passed him going much faster.

“What could be faster than my 2000 SP 8.2?” the young man thought to himself.

Then just ahead of him, he saw the dot coming back at him. WHHHOOOSSSHHH! It went flying by him again going in the opposite direction! It almost looked like the old man on the moped! How could that be?, thought the young man. Again he saw the dot in his mirror! WHHHOOOSSSHHH! KABBBLAMMM! The moped slammed into the rear of the shiny new 2000 SP 8.2, demolishing the read end of the young rider’s pride and joy. The young man jumped off and saw it was the old timer.

Of course the moped was crushed and the old man was lying on the ground pretty beat up. The young man ran over to him and asked,  “Are you hurt? Is there anything I can do for you?

The old man groaned and replied, “Yes, could you unhook my suspenders from your side-view mirror?”

One Liner 
The real measure of your wealth is how much you would be worth if you lost all your money.

Thought for the day
Romans 12:1b says, “Offer yourselves as a living sacrifice to God, dedicated to his service and pleasing to him” (GNT).

Say, “God, you gave me these abilities. Now I’m going to give them back to you. I want to use them for the purpose for which you gave them to me.”

SIGNS YOU ARE BROKE

~ American Express calls and says: “Leave home without it!”
~ Your idea of a 4-course meal is taking a deep breath outside a restaurant.
~ You’re formulating a plan to rob the food bank.
~ You’ve rolled so many pennies, you’ve formed a psychic bond with Abe Lincoln.
~ You look at your roommate and see a large fried chicken in tennis shoes.
~ Your rob Peter…and then rob Paul.
~ You finally clean your house, hoping to find change.
~ You think of a lottery ticket as an investment.
~ You give blood everyday…just for the orange juice.
~ McDonalds supplies you with all your kitchen condiments.
~ At communion you go back for seconds.

Thought for the day
The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.

Thought for the day
Job 32:7, “The longer you live, the wiser you become” (The Message).

That verse is a possibility, not a promise.

Some years ago, there was a Mensa convention in San Francisco. Mensa, as you know, is a national organization for people who have an IQ of 140 or higher.

Several of the Mensa members went out for lunch at a local cafe. When they sat down, one of them discovered that their salt shaker contained pepper, and their pepper shaker was full of salt.

How could they swap the contents of the two bottles without spilling any, and using only the implements at hand?

Clearly, this was a job for Mensa minds.

The group debated the problem and presented ideas and finally, came up with a brilliant solution involving a napkin, a straw , and an empty saucer.

They called the waitress over, ready to dazzle her with their solution.

“Ma’am,” they said, “we couldn’t help but notice that the pepper shaker contains salt and the salt shaker.”

But before they could finish the waitress interrupted, “Oh, sorry about that.”

She leaned over the table, unscrewed the caps of both bottles and switched them.

There was dead silence at the Mensa table.

One Liner
The difference between “gossip” and “news” is whether you hear it or tell it.

Thought for the day
“Examine yourselves to see if your faith is genuine. Test yourselves. Surely you know that Jesus Christ is among you; if not, you have failed the test of genuine faith” (2 Corinthians 13:5 NLT).

An unexamined experience is worthless.

A pastor’s son, a musician’s son, and an artist’s son were talking.

The artist’s son said, “My dad can scribble something on a piece of paper, call it a picture, and sell it for $100.”

The musician’s son said, “Oh, that’s nothing! My dad can scribble something on a piece of paper, call it a song, and sell it for $1000.”

The pastor’s son looks at them and said, “You guys don’t know anything!!! My dad can scribble something on a piece of paper, call it a sermon, and it takes like 6 guys to gather all the money!”

One Liner
186,000 miles/sec: Not just a good idea, it’s the LAW.

Thought for the day
1 Samuel 16:7b, “The Lord does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart” (NIV).

God accepts responsibility because he has a bigger perspective than any human. He can see what we can’t see. And he loves each of us for our potential to do the great things he has planned for us, regardless of our handicaps.

During the last Sunday service that the visiting pastor was to spend at the church he served for some months, his hat was passed around for a goodwill offering.

When it returned to the pastor, it was empty. The pastor didn’t flinch. He raised the hat to Heaven and said, “I thank You, Lord, that I got my hat back from this congregation.”

One Liner
The road to success is always under construction.

Thought for the day
“This know also, that in the last days perilous times shall come. For men shall be lovers of their own selves, covetous, boasters, proud, blasphemers, disobedient to parents, unthankful, unholy, without natural affection, trucebreakers, false accusers, incontinent, fierce, despisers of those that are good, Traitors, heady, high-minded, lovers of pleasures more than lovers of God; Having a form of godliness, but denying the power thereof: from such turn away. For of this sort are they which creep into houses, and lead captive silly women laden with sins, led away with divers lusts, Ever learning, and never able to come to the knowledge of the truth.” 2 Timothy 3:1-7

No, we do not understand what is going on in this trying world, but God does.

Sister Mary Katherine entered the Monastery of Silence. The Priest said, “Sister, this is a

silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so.”

Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Priest said to her, “Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5 years. You can speak two words.”

Sister Mary Katherine said,”Hard bed.”

“I’m sorry to hear that,” the Priest said, “We will get you a better bed.”

After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was called by the Priest. “You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine.”

“Cold food,” said Sister Mary Katherine, and the Priest assured her that the food would be better in the future.

On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called Sister Mary Katherine into his office. “You may say two words today.”

“I quit,” said Sister Mary Katherine.

“It’s probably best,” said the Priest. “You’ve done nothing but complain since you got here.”

One Liner
“The older I get the better I used to be.”

Thought for the day
“These things I plan won’t happen right away. Slowly, steadily, surely, the time approaches when the vision will be fulfilled. If it seems slow, do not despair, for these things will surely come to pass. Just be patient! They will not be overdue a single day!” Habakkuk 2:3, LB

Don’t get discouraged. When Habakkuk became depressed because he didn’t think God was acting quickly enough God said the above to Habakkuk …

I’ve been told that a way to feel better is to finish things I have started.
Today I finished 2 bags of potato chips and a chocolate cake.
I feel better already.

One liner
“Too many couples marry for better or for worse, but not for good.”

Thought for the day
“Put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness” Ephesians 4:24 NIV

We must develop the habits of Jesus — Your character is essentially the sum of your habits; it is how you habitually act.

There was once an aspiring veterinarian who put himself through veterinary school working nights as a taxidermist.

Upon graduation, he decided he could combine his two vocations to better serve the needs of his patients and their owners, while doubling his practice.

He opened his own offices with a shingle on the door saying, “Dr. Jones, Veterinary Medicine and Taxidermy – Either way, you get your dog back!”

One Liner
What is the difference between a coyote and a flea?
One howls on the prairie and the other prowls on the hairy.

Thought for the day
“In response to all he has done for us, let us outdo each other in being helpful and kind to each other and in doing good” Hebrews 10:24 TLB

There’s a price tag for being a people-builder: It requires unselfishness.

Why should we do it then? Because the Bible tells us to “Outdo each other in being helpful and kind to each other and in doing good” (Hebrews 10:24 TLB).

At some point, the Romans confuse the word cristos with the word crestos. Cristos means Christ; Crestos, in Latin, means kindness. In a roundabout way, that confusion can teach us something: Christians should be the kindest of all people.