A new nurse at a hospital was perplexed by Dr.Mike Wilson’s behavior.

Off and on throughout her shift Dr. Wilson would run up and down the hallway, yelling, “Tetanus, measles, flu…………..””

Very curious, the nurse asked the head nurse, “Why does Dr. Wilson keep doing that?”

“Oh, just ignore him,” the head nurse said. ”He thinks he calls all the shots around here.”

One Liner
“If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.”

Thought for the day
“And he did rescue us from mortal danger, and he will rescue us again. We have placed our confidence in him, and he will continue to rescue us” 2 Corinthians 1:10 NLT

God is watching over you, so don’t listen to your fears. This is a choice. Trust God, and don’t give in to your fears.

A fellow was walking along a country road when he came upon a farmer working in his field. The man called out to the farmer, “How long will it take me to get to the next town?”

The farmer didn’t answer. The guy waited a bit and then started walking again.

After the man had gone about a hundred yards, the farmer yelled out, “About 20 minutes.”

“Thank you. But why didn’t you tell me that when I asked you?”

“Didn’t know how fast you could walk.”

One Liner
“We cannot avoid growing old, but we can avoid growing cold.”

Thought for the day
Your attitude must be like my own, for I, the Messiah, did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give my life. Matthew 20:28 (LB) 

For Christians, service is not something to be tacked onto our schedules if we can spare the time. It is the heart of the Christian life. Jesus came “to serve” and “to give”—and those two verbs should define your life on earth, too.

”Dentist Extras”

The Millers were shown into the dentist’s office, where Mr. Miller made it clear he was in a big hurry.

“No expensive extras, Doctor,” he ordered. “No gas or needles or any of that fancy stuff. Just pull the tooth and get it over with.”

“I wish more of my patients were as stoic as you,” said the dentist admiringly. “Now, which tooth is it?”

Mr. Miller turned to his wife…

“Show him your tooth, Honey.”

One LINER
During a recent company password audit, it was found that a certain air-head was using the following password: MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofy. When asked why such a big password, the employee said that it had to be at least 8 characters long.

Thought for the day
Jesus said, “My kingdom is not of this world. If it were, my servants would fight to prevent my arrest by the Jews. But now my kingdom is from another place.” John 18:36

Being a part of His kingdom is knowing God.

On my first day working at the gas station, I watched a senior co-worker measure the level of gasoline in the under-ground tanks by lowering a giant measuring stick down into them.

“What would happen if I threw a lit match into the hole?” I joked.

“It would go out,” he replied very matter-of-factly.

“Really?” I asked, surprised to hear that. “Is there a lack of oxygen down there or some safety device that would extinguish it before the fumes ignited?”

“No,” my co-worker continued. “The force from the explosion would blow out the match.”

One LINER
“The interest span of a child is possibly thirty seconds. Higher if throwing food or annoying a small animal is involved.”- Erma Bombeck

Thought for the day
Great peace have they who love your law, and nothing can make them stumble.  Psalm 119:65

Have you ever had a clumsy stage of life, this promise is almost beyond believing — nothing can make me stumble! But when it comes to living life, if I know God’s will and love it, I will do it. Then nothing can make me stumble.

“Epitath”

A doctor wrote about an epitaph he had seen in a local cemetery:

“In memory of my father: gone to join his appendix, his tonsils, his olfactory nerve, a kidney, an eardrum, and a leg prematurely removed by an intern who needed the experience.”

One LINER
“What’s the use of having ignorance if you can’t show it?” – Lou Costello

Thought for the day
Early in the morning, Jesus stood on the shore, but the disciples did not realize that it was Jesus.  John 21:4

“disciples did not realize it was Jesus” I wonder how many times I have missed seeing Jesus in others around me?

During his wedding rehearsal, the groom approached his pastor with an unusual offer. “I’ll give you $100 if you’ll change the wedding vows, and leave out the ‘love, honor, obey, and forsake all others’ part.” He pressed a $100 bill in the pastor’s hand and walked away with a satisfied smile.

On the day of the wedding, the groom was feeling pretty pleased when the pastor got to the part where the vows are exchanged. The pastor looked him in the eye and asked, “Will you promise to bow before her, obey whatever command she gives, fulfill her every wish, serve her breakfast each morning, and swear before God that you’ll not look at another woman as long as you both shall life?”

The groom gulped and looked astonished, but he finally said “Yes” in a tiny voice. He then leaned in toward the pastor and whispered, “I thought we had a deal!”

The pastor pressed the $100 bill back into his hand and whispered in return,

“She made me a much better offer.”

One LINER
A procrastinator’s work is never done.”

Thought for the day
Give your burdens to the Lord ,
  and he will take care of you.  Psalm 55:22

Go ahead and give your burdens to the Lord … He is waiting to take care of you!

A young doctor was just setting up his first office.

His secretary told him there was a man to see him. The doctor wanted to make the man think that he was successful and very busy. So he told his secretary to show the man in and at that moment he picked up his phone and pretended to be having a conversation with a patient.

The man waited patiently until the “conversation” was completed.

Once he hung up, the doctor asked, “Can I help you?”

To which the man replied “No, I’m just here to connect your telephone.”

One LINER
Famous Last Words

“I think there is a world market for maybe five computers .”   — Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943

Thought for the day
If remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be given you. John 15:7

This verse implies that the mind of Christ is behind our asking.

Work Confusion

A passerby noticed a couple of city workers working along the city sidewalks.

The man was quite impressed with their hard work, but he couldn’t understand what they were doing.

Finally, he approached the workers and asked, “I appreciate how hard you’re both working, but what on earth are you doing? It seems that one of you digs a hole, and then the other guy immediately fills it back up again.

One of the city workers explained, “The third guy who plants the trees is off sick today.”

One LINER  
“The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.” – George Burns

Thought for the day
Psalm 34:1
“I will praise the Lord at all times.”

In the good, bad, ugly, sun, rain, dark, light, sad, glad, mountain top, valley, night, sickness, health, snow, hail, at all times!! I’m praising Him today!!

“Red Tape”

Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

A friend of mine was in the hospital awaiting the arrival of her first child. When I telephoned the hospital to see if the baby had arrived, the nurse said it had. I asked if it was a boy or girl and was told that it was against hospital policy to give this information over the phone.

“Fine,” I said. “I can understand that. But can you tell me what she didn’t have?”

“It wasn’t a boy,” came the reply.

One LINER
Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.”

Thought for the day
Romans 3:23 for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,

Our sins stand in awful contrast to the glory of God. They make us stand in need of his redemption.