During his wedding rehearsal, the groom approached his pastor with an unusual offer. “I’ll give you $100 if you’ll change the wedding vows, and leave out the ‘love, honor, obey, and forsake all others’ part.” He pressed a $100 bill in the pastor’s hand and walked away with a satisfied smile.

On the day of the wedding, the groom was feeling pretty pleased when the pastor got to the part where the vows are exchanged. The pastor looked him in the eye and asked, “Will you promise to bow before her, obey whatever command she gives, fulfill her every wish, serve her breakfast each morning, and swear before God that you’ll not look at another woman as long as you both shall life?”

The groom gulped and looked astonished, but he finally said “Yes” in a tiny voice. He then leaned in toward the pastor and whispered, “I thought we had a deal!”

The pastor pressed the $100 bill back into his hand and whispered in return,

“She made me a much better offer.”

One LINER
A procrastinator’s work is never done.”

Thought for the day
Give your burdens to the Lord ,
  and he will take care of you.  Psalm 55:22

Go ahead and give your burdens to the Lord … He is waiting to take care of you!

A young doctor was just setting up his first office.

His secretary told him there was a man to see him. The doctor wanted to make the man think that he was successful and very busy. So he told his secretary to show the man in and at that moment he picked up his phone and pretended to be having a conversation with a patient.

The man waited patiently until the “conversation” was completed.

Once he hung up, the doctor asked, “Can I help you?”

To which the man replied “No, I’m just here to connect your telephone.”

One LINER
Famous Last Words

“I think there is a world market for maybe five computers .”   — Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943

Thought for the day
If remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be given you. John 15:7

This verse implies that the mind of Christ is behind our asking.

Work Confusion

A passerby noticed a couple of city workers working along the city sidewalks.

The man was quite impressed with their hard work, but he couldn’t understand what they were doing.

Finally, he approached the workers and asked, “I appreciate how hard you’re both working, but what on earth are you doing? It seems that one of you digs a hole, and then the other guy immediately fills it back up again.

One of the city workers explained, “The third guy who plants the trees is off sick today.”

One LINER  
“The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.” – George Burns

Thought for the day
Psalm 34:1
“I will praise the Lord at all times.”

In the good, bad, ugly, sun, rain, dark, light, sad, glad, mountain top, valley, night, sickness, health, snow, hail, at all times!! I’m praising Him today!!

“Red Tape”

Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

A friend of mine was in the hospital awaiting the arrival of her first child. When I telephoned the hospital to see if the baby had arrived, the nurse said it had. I asked if it was a boy or girl and was told that it was against hospital policy to give this information over the phone.

“Fine,” I said. “I can understand that. But can you tell me what she didn’t have?”

“It wasn’t a boy,” came the reply.

One LINER
Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.”

Thought for the day
Romans 3:23 for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,

Our sins stand in awful contrast to the glory of God. They make us stand in need of his redemption.

Judy was having trouble with her computer at work so she called Joe, the company’s computer guy, over to her desk.

Joe clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem quickly.

As he was walking away, Judy called after him, “So, what was wrong?”

And he replied, “It was an ID ten T error.”

A puzzled expression ran over Judy’s face, “An ID ten T error? What’s that…in case I need to fix it again?”

He gave her a grin, “Haven’t you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?”

“No,” replied Judy.

“Write it down,” he said, “and I think you’ll figure it out.”

So she did…

I D 1 0 T

One LINER
You don’t stop playing because you grow old; you grow old because you stop playing.

Thought for the day
I Peter 5:7
Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you.

Great Worry Free Advice!

“Collateral”

I accompanied my husband when he went to get a haircut. Reading a magazine, I found a hairstyle I liked for myself, and I asked the receptionist if I could take the magazine next door to make a copy of the photo.

“Leave some ID, a driver’s license or a credit card,” she said.

“But my husband is here getting a haircut,” I explained.

“Yes,” she replied. “But I need something you’ll come back for.”

One LINER
I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired.

Thought for the day
I Peter 3:12 For the eyes of the Lord are on the righteous 
and his ears are attentive to their prayer, 
but the face of the Lord is against those who do evil.”

God can’t take His eyes off of you – if you are obeying Him. Yet He turns his face on those doing evil.

Paddy was tooling along the road one fine day when the local policeman, a friend of his, pulled him over. “What’s wrong, Seamus?” Paddy asked. 
”Well didn’t ya know, Paddy, that your wife fell out of the car about five miles back?” said Seamus. 
”Ah, praise the Almighty!” Paddy replied with relief. “I thought I’d gone deaf!”

One LINER
Irish Blessing 
May the Good Lord take a liking to you… but not too soon!

Thought for the day
Psalm 39:6-7
We are merely moving shadows,
  and all our busy rushing ends in nothing. We heap up wealth,
  not knowing who will spend it.
 And so, Lord, where do I put my hope?
  My only hope is in you. 

Busy rushing ends in nothing ….. instead let your only hope be in God! Life is but a breath!!!

Parish Change

A minister who had been with the same parish for many years, decided to leave and take a similar position in another church. Without telling anyone he had made this decision or writing a letter to the congregation, he waited until Sunday morning to announce his resignation in church.

When he spoke to the congregation he said, “The same Jesus that called me to this church many years ago has now called upon me to leave and serve another church.”

The choir stood and sang, “What a Friend We Have in Jesus”

One LINER
Honk if you love Jesus! Text while driving if you want to meet Him.

Thought for the day
Psalm 43:5
Why are you down in the dumps, dear soul? 
Why are you crying the blues? 
Fix my eyes on God— 
soon I’ll be praising again. 
He puts a smile on my face. 
He’s my God.

Don’t get down in the dumps or crying the blues I instead fix your eyes on God – He puts a SMILEY on your FACE!

“If you’ll make the toast and pour the juice, Sweetheart,” said the newlywed bride, “breakfast will be ready.”

“Good, what are we having for breakfast?” asked the new husband.

“Toast and juice,” she replied.

One Liner
Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder or camera phone these days that no one talks about seeing UFOs like they use to?

Thought for the day
Matthew 6:26, “Look at the birds: they do not plant seeds, gather a harvest and put it in barns; yet your Father in heaven takes care of them! Aren’t you worth much more than birds?” (GNT).

Birds don’t do anything except “birdy” things. They tweet. They fly around. But they don’t sow or reap. Yet God still feeds them.

If God feeds the birds, he’ll feed you. Why worry?