As you are receiving my note by e-mail, it’s wise to remember how easily this wonderful technology can be misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serious consequences.

Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher’s wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before.

When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.

At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the

screen:

Dearest Wife,

Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

P.S. Sure is hot down here.

One LINER
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

Thought for the day
Isaiah 26:3
You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you.

It is naive to think that trusting in God solves all of our problems — Christians have many of the same problems that unbelievers do because they share the same mortal flesh. On the other hand it’s true that if we trust in God, we believe our work stands or falls in his hands and that ultimately we will share in his victorious and glorious presence. It means our lives will not be lived in vain. That’s not just confidence, but it’s the foundation to true peace — life lived to its fullest and richest knowing that it matters and we don’t need to be anxious about its results.

My boss was complaining in a staff meeting the other day that he wasn’t getting any respect. Later that morning he went out and got a small sign that read, “I’m the Boss.” He then taped it to his office door.

Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said: “Your wife called. She wants you to bring her sign back.”

One LINER
“Money talks, but credit has an echo.”

Thought for the day
Psalm 8:2
From the lips of children and infants 
you have ordained praise

Our function as humans is to glorify God!

OVERHEARD ON NOAH’S ARK

11. “Did anyone think about bringing a couple of umbrellas?”
12. “Hey, there are more that two flies in here!”
13. “I finally get a bass boat and now I have to take the whole family…”
14. “Wasn’t someone supposed to put two shovels on board?”
15. “Help! I need some Pepto for the elephants–QUICK!”
16. “OK, who’s the wise-guy who brought the mosquitoes on board?”
17. “Don’t make me pull this Ark over and come back there!”
18. “No, Ham, you cannot eat the pig!”
19. “And whatever you do, DO NOT pull this plug out.”
20. “Nice doggie!”
21. “Are we there yet?”

One LINER
“No comment” is a comment.

Thought for the day
Psalm 62:11-12
“two things have I heard: 
that you, O God, are strong, and that you, O Lord, are loving.

God is strong and loving – depend on Him when in your time of need and in your times of praise!   

“Laziness”
The young woman sat in her stalled car, waiting for help. Finally two men walked up to her. “I’m out of gas,” she purred. “Could you push me to the gas station?”

The men readily put their muscles to the car and rolled it several blocks. After a while, one looked up, exhausted, to see that they had just passed a filling station.

“How come you didn’t turn in?” he yelled.

“I never go there,” the girl shouted back. “They don’t have full service.”

One LINER
“In Congress someone gets up to speak and says nothing, nobody listens, and then they all disagree.”

Thought for the day
“Whenever you are able, do good to people who need help” (Proverbs 3:27 NCV)

The Bible says very clearly that you weren’t put on this earth just to live for yourself.  God gave you abilities, talents, and energy to help other people.

TWO-SPEED CORVETTE
Nick lives in a subdivision that branches off the main highway. He drives a Corvette, and thinks the only two speeds are “STOP” and “FULL SPEED.”

One day, when he was late for work, he comes tearing out the road from his house, tops the little hill before getting to the main road, and sees a police car blocking the road. He slams on the brakes and comes to a screeching halt about 6 inches from the police car. The policeman, who had often seen him driving fast, walked up and said, “Mister, I’ve been waiting for you all morning…”

Nick replied “Well gosh, I got here as fast as I could!”

One LINER  
A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement and became a hardened criminal.

Thought for the day
“Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus” (1 Thessalonians 5:18 NIV)

We are to live the good and the bad days with a sense of gratitude, because each day is a gift from God.

Help Line”

It’s clear why these people needed to call a “help” line.
——
Customer: “I’ve been calling 700-1000 for two days and can’t get through; can you help?”
Operator: “Where did you get that number, sir?”
Customer: “It’s on the door of your business.”
Operator: “Sir, those are the hours that we are open.”

—–
Samsung Electronics
Caller: “Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?”
Operator: “I’m sorry, sir, I don’t understand who you are talking about.”
Caller: “On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?”
Operator: “I think it means the telephone plug on the wall.”

ONE LINER
“Anytime you have a 50/50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability you’ll get it wrong.”

Thought for the day
“We understand what love is when we realize that Christ gave his life for us. That means we must give our lives for other believers. (1 John 3:16 GW)

Serve on God’s term and not your own – We actually can’t, but His Spirit within you can enable you to serve and minister to others. You can draw from his sacrificial strength.

UNDERSTANDING YOUR PAYCHECK

Gross pay:   $1,222.02

Income Tax: $244.40

Outgo Tax: $45.21

State Tax: $61.10

Interstate Tax: $5.89

County Tax: $6.11

City Tax: $12.22

Rural Tax: $4.44

Back Tax: $1.11

Front Tax: $1.16

Side Tax: $1.61

Up Tax: $2.22

Down Tax: $1.11

Tic-Tacs: $1.98

Thumbtacks: $3.93

Carpet Tacks: $.98

Stadium Tax: $.69

Flat Tax: $8.32

Surtax: $3.46

Ma’am Tax: $2.60

Parking Fee: $5.00

No Parking Fee: $10.00

F.I.C.A.: $81.88

T.G.I.F.: $9.95

Life Insurance: $5.85

Health Insurance: $16.23

Disability: $2.50

Ability: $.25

Liability: $3.41

Dental Insurance: $4.50

Mental Insurance: $4.33

Reassurance: $.11

Coffee: $6.85

Coffee Cups: $66.51

Calendar: $3.06

Floor Rental: $16.85

Chair Rental: $.32

Desk Rental: $4.32

Union Dues: $5.85

Union Don’ts: $3.77

Cash Advances: $.69

Cash Retreats: $121.35

Overtime: $1.26

Undertime: $54.83

Eastern Time: $9.00

Central Time: $8.00

Mountain Time: $7.00

Pacific Time:$6.00

GMT: $24.00

Time Out: $12.21

Oxygen: $10.02

Water: $16.54

Electricity: $38.23

Heat: $51.42

Air: $46.83

Miscellaneous: $154.54

Take Home Pay:   $0000.02

(This is where the expression “my 2 cents” came from…)

ONE LINER
Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?

Thought for the day
Deuteronomy 11:2a says, “Remember today what you have learned about the Lord through your experiences with him” (GNT).

There are some things we only learn through experience.

A foursome of senior golfers hit the course with waning enthusiasm for the sport.

“These hills are getting steeper as the years go by,” one complained.

“These fairways seem to be getting longer too,” wheezed a second.

“And somehow, the sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember ’em too,” said the third.

Hearing just about enough from his buddies, the oldest – and the wisest of the foursome at 87-years-old – piped up and said, “Oh my friends, just be thankful we’re still on THIS side of the grass!”

ONE LINER
Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?

Thought for the day
“Let us not be weary in well doing: for in due season we shall reap, if we faint not”(Galatians 6:9 KJV).

The way you respond to someone or to a situation right now is definitely going to affect your future. If you respond correctly in a season of life and you do the right thing, even when you don’t feel like it, it pays great dividends in the future.

The wife was busy frying eggs, when her husband came home. He walked into the kitchen and immediately started yelling. “CAREFUL!!! CAREFUL! MORE OIL! TURN THEM! TURN THEM NOW! WE NEED MORE OIL! THEY ARE GOING TO STICK! CAREFUL! CAREFUL! TURN THEM! TURN THEM!!! HURRY UP! ARE YOU CRAZY! THE OIL IS GOING TO SPILL! USE MORE SALT! THE SALT!!”

The wife was very upset, “What is wrong with you? Why are you yelling like this? Do you think I don’t know how to fry an egg?”

The husband calmly replied, “I just wanted you to know what it’s like for me when I am driving the car and you’re sitting next to me.”

One Liner
Why is it that night falls but day breaks?

Thought for the day
Romans 15:7
Accept one another, then, just as Christ accepted you, in order to bring praise to God.

Is there someone you are not fully accepting? Christ died for all!!