UNDERSTANDING YOUR PAYCHECK

Gross pay:   $1,222.02

Income Tax: $244.40

Outgo Tax: $45.21

State Tax: $61.10

Interstate Tax: $5.89

County Tax: $6.11

City Tax: $12.22

Rural Tax: $4.44

Back Tax: $1.11

Front Tax: $1.16

Side Tax: $1.61

Up Tax: $2.22

Down Tax: $1.11

Tic-Tacs: $1.98

Thumbtacks: $3.93

Carpet Tacks: $.98

Stadium Tax: $.69

Flat Tax: $8.32

Surtax: $3.46

Ma’am Tax: $2.60

Parking Fee: $5.00

No Parking Fee: $10.00

F.I.C.A.: $81.88

T.G.I.F.: $9.95

Life Insurance: $5.85

Health Insurance: $16.23

Disability: $2.50

Ability: $.25

Liability: $3.41

Dental Insurance: $4.50

Mental Insurance: $4.33

Reassurance: $.11

Coffee: $6.85

Coffee Cups: $66.51

Calendar: $3.06

Floor Rental: $16.85

Chair Rental: $.32

Desk Rental: $4.32

Union Dues: $5.85

Union Don’ts: $3.77

Cash Advances: $.69

Cash Retreats: $121.35

Overtime: $1.26

Undertime: $54.83

Eastern Time: $9.00

Central Time: $8.00

Mountain Time: $7.00

Pacific Time:$6.00

GMT: $24.00

Time Out: $12.21

Oxygen: $10.02

Water: $16.54

Electricity: $38.23

Heat: $51.42

Air: $46.83

Miscellaneous: $154.54

Take Home Pay:   $0000.02

(This is where the expression “my 2 cents” came from…)

ONE LINER
Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?

Thought for the day
Deuteronomy 11:2a says, “Remember today what you have learned about the Lord through your experiences with him” (GNT).

There are some things we only learn through experience.

A foursome of senior golfers hit the course with waning enthusiasm for the sport.

“These hills are getting steeper as the years go by,” one complained.

“These fairways seem to be getting longer too,” wheezed a second.

“And somehow, the sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember ’em too,” said the third.

Hearing just about enough from his buddies, the oldest – and the wisest of the foursome at 87-years-old – piped up and said, “Oh my friends, just be thankful we’re still on THIS side of the grass!”

ONE LINER
Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?

Thought for the day
“Let us not be weary in well doing: for in due season we shall reap, if we faint not”(Galatians 6:9 KJV).

The way you respond to someone or to a situation right now is definitely going to affect your future. If you respond correctly in a season of life and you do the right thing, even when you don’t feel like it, it pays great dividends in the future.

The wife was busy frying eggs, when her husband came home. He walked into the kitchen and immediately started yelling. “CAREFUL!!! CAREFUL! MORE OIL! TURN THEM! TURN THEM NOW! WE NEED MORE OIL! THEY ARE GOING TO STICK! CAREFUL! CAREFUL! TURN THEM! TURN THEM!!! HURRY UP! ARE YOU CRAZY! THE OIL IS GOING TO SPILL! USE MORE SALT! THE SALT!!”

The wife was very upset, “What is wrong with you? Why are you yelling like this? Do you think I don’t know how to fry an egg?”

The husband calmly replied, “I just wanted you to know what it’s like for me when I am driving the car and you’re sitting next to me.”

One Liner
Why is it that night falls but day breaks?

Thought for the day
Romans 15:7
Accept one another, then, just as Christ accepted you, in order to bring praise to God.

Is there someone you are not fully accepting? Christ died for all!!

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood.

Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, “Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.”

“Yes,” the class said.

“Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn’t run into my feet?”

A little fellow shouted, “Cause your feet ain’t empty.”

One LINER
You know you’re getting old when you wonder what you’d feel like if you weren’t taking vitamins.

eWORD of the DAY
“let us purify ourselves from everything that contaminates body and spirit, perfecting holiness out of reverence for God. 2 Corinthians 7:1

The holiness of God demands holiness on our part. We must grow in our relationship with God so that His holiness becomes evident in our lives. We cannot truly reverence God apart from being marked by His holiness. To reverence Him means to submit ourselves to his holy sovereign authority, forsaking our sin and self-centeredness.

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.

One LINER
When I married Mr. Right, I didn’t know his first name was Always!

Thought for the day
Philippians 2:14-16
Do everything without complaining or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe as you hold out the word of life.

Are you a complainer or a star??

GREAT EXERCISE PROGRAM

Here’s the exercise program I’m using to stay in shape this year. You might want to take it easy at first, then do it faster as you become more proficient. It may be too strenuous for some.

AS ALWAYS, CONSULT YOUR DOCTOR BEFORE STARTING ANY EXERCISE PROGRAM!

SCROLL DOWN…

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NOW SCROLL UP…

Okay, that’s enough for the first day! -whew-

One Liner
According to the Academy of Incomplete Research, 9 out of 10

Thought for the day
1 Corinthians 13:7, “Love patiently accepts all things. It always trusts, always hopes, and always endures” (NCV).

If you want to raise confident kids, you’ve got to build them up more than you tear them down. You’ve got to give more cheers than you give jeers.

An outspoken atheist went on a tour of a local monastery during his vacation.

At the end of the tour, he remarked sarcastically to the monk who had been his guide, “Imagine, if God doesn’t exist – and I believe He doesn’t – you will have wasted your whole life here in this place.”

The monk replied: “If I am wrong, I shall have wasted only 60 to 80 years. But if you are wrong, you will waste eternity.”

One Liner
Is there such a thing as a rhetorical answer?

Thought for the day
“Glory be to God, who by his mighty power at work within us is able to do far more than we would ever dare to ask or even dream of — infinitely beyond our highest prayers, desires, thoughts, or hopes” (Ephesians 3:20 TLB).

Faith turns God-given dreams into reality. Nothing happens until somebody starts dreaming!

The nurse noticed a man in golf attire pacing up and down outside the operating room where another golfer, who had a golf ball driven down his throat, was being treated.

“Is he a relative of yours?” the nurse, stepping outside the room, asked the pacing golfer.

“No,” replied the man. “It’s my ball!”

One Liner
I wonder how the size of hail was described before the game of golf was invented!

Thought for the day
“If I gave everything I have to the poor and even sacrificed my body, I could boast about it; but if I didn’t love others, I would have gained nothing” (1 Corinthians 13:3 NLT).

Love isn’t always the motivation for giving. Some people give just to get back or out of guilt or for control or prestige. You can give for a lot of wrong motives, but the Bible says if you’re not doing it out of love, none of your giving counts.

A guy goes into a library and says to the librarian, “I would like a Coke, some fries and a cheeseburger.”

The librarian, exassperated, replies, “Sir, do you have any idea where you are at?”

He looks around … “Oh, excuse me!”

Then whispers, “I would like a Coke, some fries and a cheeseburger.”

One Liner
I always say “No” to temptation — but it doesn’t always listen.

Thought for the day
“Even if I had the gift of faith so that I could speak to a mountain and make it move,I would still be worth nothing at all without love” (1 Corinthians 13:2b TLB).

There’s a myth that being a follower of Christ is just a matter of believing certain truths. Nothing can be further from the truth! Following Christ is about living a life of love. It takes more than belief to please God.