“Restaurant Excitement”

I was having dinner at a nice restaurant the other night. The couple at the next table were smooching from the moment they sat down. Oh how romantic, young love!

But I couldn’t figure out what was going on at their table after the food came. Every time the young man would take a bite, he would jump up and give the girl such a big hug that she would squeal loudly! This bizarre behavior continued about 10 times – he took a bite, gave her a big hug, she squealed….very strange. Everyone was looking!!

When my waiter came by I mentioned the ‘entertainment’ and he said “Oh, we have that all the time in here. You see, that man ordered the Seize Her Salad.”

One LINER
Caller to computer help line: “I deleted a file from my PC last week and I just realized that I need it. So, if I turn my system clock back two weeks will I get my file back again?”

Thought for the day
John1:38-39 NLT
Jesus looked around and saw them following. “What do you want?” he asked them.
  They replied, “Rabbi” (which means “Teacher”), “where are you staying?”
  “Come and see,”

One of life’s BIG questions – “What do you want? Come and see” ….. are we inviting people to Jesus daily?

A story is told in which an accountant answered an advertisement for a top job with a large firm. At the end of the interview, the chairman asked, “One last question—what is three times seven?”
The accountant thought for a moment and replied, “Twenty-two.” Outside he checked himself on his calculator and concluded he had lost the job. But two weeks later he was offered the post. He asked the chairman why he had been appointed when he had given the wrong answer. “You were the closest,” the chairman replied.

One LINER  
The Golfer’s Diet: Live on greens as much as possible.

Thought for the day
John 8:34
Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”

Jesus in person and in action was the Truth!

A six-year-old goes to the hospital with his grandma to visit his grandpa. When they get to the hospital, he runs ahead of his grandma and bursts into his grandpa’s room.

“Grandpa, Grandpa!” he says excitedly, “As soon as Grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!”

“What?” said his grandpa.

“Make a noise like a frog because Grandma said that as soon as you croak, we’re going to Disneyland!!!”

One LINER
Always stay in with the outs.

Thought for the day
John 3:30
He must become greater; I must become less.

Your servant’s heart will reveal your maturity.

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.”One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me,” said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, “One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.”

He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. “Come here quick,” said the boy, “you won’t believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls.”

The man said, “Beat it kid, can’t you see it’s hard for me to walk.” When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, “One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me…”

The old man whispered, “Boy, you’ve been tellin’ me the truth. Let’s see if we can see the Lord.” Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord. At last they heard, “One for you, one for me. That’s all. Now let’s go get those nuts by the fence and we’ll be done.”

They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the kid on the bike.

One LINER  
Why is it called “after dark” when it really is “after light”?

Thought for the day
John 4:23
Yet a time is coming and has now come when the true worshipers will worship the Father in spirit and truth, for they are the kind of worshipers the Father seeks.

Worship isn’t a performance, it is an offering to God and must be done in that which is hidden, the spirit and be done in that which is hidden, the spirit.

A man goes to the doctor and says, “Doc, you gotta check my leg. Something’s wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you’ll hear it!”

The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man’s thigh only to hear: “Gimme 20 bucks, I really need 20 bucks.”

“That’s amazing!” exclaims the doctor.

“That’s nothing, Doc. Put your ear to my knee.”

The doctor put his ear to the man’s knee and heard it say: “Man, I really need 10 dollars, just lend me 10 bucks!”

The doctor was dumbfounded. “Sir, I really don’t know what to tell you. I’ve never come across anything like this.”

“Wait Doc, that’s not all. There’s more, just put your ear to my ankle,” the man urged.

The doctor did so and was blown away to hear his ankle plead: “Please, I just need 5 dollars. Only 5 bucks. Please!!”

“I have no idea what to tell you,” the doctor said. He frantically searched all his medical reference books. “There’s nothing about it in here.” The doctor thought hard for a moment and then said, “Let me try to make a well educated guess. Based on all my previous experience, I can tell you this much: your leg seems to be broke in three places.”

One LINER
Growing old is mandatory, growing wise is optional.

Thought for the day
John 7:46
“We have never heard anyone speak like this!” the guards responded.

The guards failed to arrest Jesus because they had never heard anyone speak like Jesus. They knew there was a difference in this man called Jesus!! May we sit on the edge of our seat as He speaks to us today!

CHOIR PROFICIENCY TEST

In order to measure your level of proficiency as a choir member, the following test has been carefully developed by experts. Read and reflect on each situation and then select the option that will enhance the quality of the performance.

1. You are entering the choir loft on Sunday morning and suddenly trip and fall down. You should
   A. Assume a kneeling position and break into fervent prayer
   B. Pretend that you’ve had a heart attack
   C. Crawl into the nearest chair
   D. Begin speaking in tongues.
2. You are a soprano and count incorrectly. As a result you boom out a high “C” one measure too soon. You should:
   A. Slide into an inspired “O For a Thousand Tongues to Sing.”
   B. Look triumphant and hold on to the note.
   C. Stop abruptly in mid squawk but keep your lips moving.
   D. Sink to the floor in shame.
3. After all those long, hard choir rehearsals, you show up twenty minutes late for the Christmas musical. You should:
   A. Climb into the back row of the choir from the baptistry.
   B. Enter pretending to be a sound man checking cables and then suddenly slip yourself into the choir.
   C. Turn the lights out in the church and slip into the choir during the blackout.
   D. Read M. Stephen’s pamphlet “Techniques for Tardy Appearances.”
4. While singing, you discover you have only one page of a two page hymn. You should:
   A. Hum for your life.
   B. Sing “watermelon, watermelon, watermelon.”
   C. Try to get another hymnal out of the choir rack with your feet.
   D. Sing the first page over again.
5. Inevitably that dreaded big sneeze occurs toward the end of the choir special. You should:
   A. As you sneeze, come down hard on your neighbor’s foot to create a diversion.
   B. Try to make it harmonize.
   C. Sneeze into the hair of the choir member in front of you to muffle the noise.
   D. Sink to the floor in shame.

Count the number of A’s, B’s, C’s, and D’s you checked and find your proficiency rating below:

4 or more A’s…there is nothing more you need to know to be a first-rate choir member.

4 or more B’s…your church choir reflexes are fully developed and you should do well in choir.

4 or more C’s…your church choral experience is spotty but your team spirit is on target. You will be an asset to most any choir.

4 or more D’s…it is recommended you take up soccer or group therapy counseling.

One LINER
If at first you succeed, break it and start over again.

Thought for the day
John 10:27
“my sheep listen to my voice, I know them, and they follow me”

True disciples hear the Lord’s voice and follow him. They neither complain nor rebel. They obey. Simply put, discipleship is total obedience to Christ.

This is the story of two elderly people living in a Florida mobile home park. He was a widower and she a widow. They had known one another for a number of years.

Now, one evening there was a community supper in the big activity center. These two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on, he made a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered up his courage to ask her, “Will you marry me?”

After about six seconds of ‘careful consideration,’ she answered. “Yes. Yes, I will.”

The meal ended and with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places. Next morning, he was troubled. Did she say ‘yes’ or did she say ‘no’? He couldn’t remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory.

With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her. First, he explained to her that he didn’t remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage, he then inquired of her, “When I asked if you would marry me, did you say ‘Yes’ or did you say ‘No’?”

He was delighted to hear her say, “Why, I said, ‘Yes, yes I will’ and I meant it with all my heart.” Then she continued, “And I am so glad that you called, because I couldn’t remember who had asked me.”

One Liner
“There’s no reason to be the richest man in the cemetery.” – Colonel Sanders

Thought for the day
“I would have despaired unless I had believed that I’d see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; Be strong and let your heart take courage; Yes, wait for the Lord” (Psalm 27:13-14 NASB).

Everything God does for you, through you, to you, and in you, he does because he is a good God. God’s goodness in your life isn’t based on how good you are. It’s based on God’s character, not yours.

A woman was at home with her children when the telephone rang.

In going to answer it, she tripped on a rug, grabbed for something to hold on to and seized the telephone table. It fell over with a crash, jarring the receiver off the hook.

As it fell, it hit the family dog, which leaped up, howling and barking.

The woman’s three-year-old son, startled by this noise, broke into loud screams.

The woman mumbled some colorful words.

She finally managed to pick up the receiver and lift it to her ear, just in time to hear her husband’s voice on the other end say, “Nobody’s said hello yet, but it certainly sounds as if I have the right number.”

One LINER
I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

Thought for the day
Mark 11:22-24, “Have faith in God! If you have faith in God and don’t doubt, you can tell this mountain to get up and jump into the sea, and it will. Everything you ask for in prayer will be yours, if you only have faith”

God has set up the universe in a hierarchy of laws, and the law of faith is actually a higher law than the laws of nature. That’s where miracles come in. Because when faith is used, the law of faith goes into practice, and the law of faith can actually do more than the laws of physics.

A couple were going out for the evening. They’d got ready, all dolled up, set the lights, and put the cat put out.

The taxi arrives, and as the couple opened the front door, the cat zips back in between their legs and disappears up the stairs. They don’t want the cat shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to find the cat and put it out.

The wife, worried abut some recent break-ins in their neighborhood and not wanting it known that the house will be empty, explains to the taxi driver “He’s just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother.”

A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab apologetically, “Sorry I took so long” he says, “Stupid old thing was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger and grab her by the scruff of the neck to get her to come out! Then she slipped away and ran into the closet, but I quickly trapped her in the corner and got a good hold on her.”

One LINER
Why is it called “rush hour” when nothing moves?

Thought for the day
Psalm 16:3
As for the saints who are in the land, 
they are the glorious ones in whom is all my delight

Could the psalmist be talking about the World Champion New Orleans Saints “saints in the land … they are the glorious ones” nah ….

Saints are people touched by God’s holiness. No one is saintly, or holy apart from God. Only God is holy.

RESULTS GET REWARDED
A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

Saint Peter says to this guy, “Who are you, so that I may know whether to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?”

The guy replies, “I’m Joe Cohen, taxi driver, of Noo Yawk City.”

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi driver, “Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.”

The taxi driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it’s the minister’s turn.

He stands erect and booms out, “I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary’s for the last 43 years.”

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, “Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.”

“Just a minute!” says the minister. “That man was a taxi driver, and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?”

“Up here, we work by results,” says Saint Peter. “While you preached, people slept. While he drove, people prayed.”

One LINER
~ An apology is a good way to have the last word.

Thought for the day
Matthew 22:37-39
Love the Lord you God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: Love your neighbor as yourself.

Christian life can be boiled down to two principles: love God with everything I am and have, and love others! Not too hard to understand. I guess it’s living it that is the challenge!