A teenage boy had just gotten his driver’s license and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he’d make a deal with his son: “You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we’ll talk about the car.”

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he’d settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, “Son, you’ve brought your grades up and I’ve observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I’m disappointed you haven’t gotten your hair cut.”

The boy said, “You know, Dad, I’ve been thinking about that, and I’ve noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair…and there’s even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.”

To this his father replied, “Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?”

One LINER
How can there be “self-help” groups?

Thought for the day
Psalm 19:14
May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, O Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer.

Our worship to God comes from our gratitude for what He has done and recognition of who He is. Worship involves every aspect of life, not just our quiet times or weekly worship on the Lord’s day.

“I Hope I’m Sick”

A fellow was sitting in the doctor’s waiting room, and said to himself every so often, “Boy, I hope I’m sick!”

After about the fifth or sixth time, the receptionist couldn’t stand it any longer, and asked,

“Why in the world would you want to be sick, Mr. Jobs?”

The man replied, “I’d hate to be well and feel like this.”

One LINER
Is there another word for synonym?

Thought for the day
“I can do everything through him who gives me strength” (Philippians 4:13 NIV).

The strength of “I can do everything . . . ” comes through God, who gives you the strength you need for each day. Your ability to “do everything” is wholly dependent upon him because your strength is dependent upon him. It’s not a strength you work up to by pumping iron with emotional or mental barbells.

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window. For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said “Look friend, don’t ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!” The passenger apologized and said he didn’t realize that a little tap could scare him so much.

The driver replied “Sorry, it’s not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver –

I’ve been driving hearses for the last 25 years.”

One LINER
Generally, helpful hints aren’t.

Thought for the day
Jesus said, “Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don’t get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes” (Matthew 6:34 MSG).

John Lennon once wrote, “Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans.” Decide to make the most of each moment this year.

Eight-year-old Susie came home from school and informed her mother that today in class they had learned how to make babies. The mother, rather shaken by the development, called the teacher to complain.

After listening to the mother complain for a few minutes, the teacher responded, “Did you ask her to explain how it is done?”

“No,” said the mother.

“Then ask her and call me back,” replied the teacher.

“So how DO you make babies?” the mother asked her daughter.

Susie responded, “You drop the ‘y’ and add ‘ies.'”

One LINER
Jesus knows me — this I love.

Thought for the day
This is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ. Philippians 1:9-10

What’s your prayer today?

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, “How old was your husband?”

“98,” she replied. “Two years older than me.”

“So you’re 96?” the undertaker asked.

She responded, “Hardly worth going home, is it?”

One LINER
Missionaries do Emmanuel labor.

Thought for the day
Matthew 5:11-12
Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you, and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you.

Most of us live in cozy places where belief is tolerated and Christians are just considered a bit out of touch. Be thankful your life makes enough difference to be noticed!! But at the same time, we need to pray for other believers throughout the world who are undergoing persecution for their faith.

HOW TO BAKE A CAKE
~ Preheat oven, get out utensils and ingredients.
~ Remove blocks and toy cars from table.
~ Grease pan, crack nuts.
~ Measure two cups flour.
~ Remove baby’s hands from flour, wash flour off baby.
~ Remeasure flour.
~ Put flour, baking powder, salt in sifter.
~ Get dustpan and brush up pieces of bowl baby knocked on floor.
~ Get another bowl.
~ Answer doorbell.
~ Return to kitchen.
~ Remove baby’s hands from bowl.
~ Wash baby.
~ Answer phone.
~ Return.
~ Remove 1/4 inch salt from greased pan.
~ Look for baby.
~ Grease another pan.
~ Answer telephone.
~ Return to kitchen and find baby.
~ Remove baby’s hands from bowl.
~ Take up greased pan, find layer of nutshells in it.
~ Head for baby, who flees, knocking bowl off table.
~ Wash kitchen floor, table, wall, dishes.
~ Call baker.
~ Lie down.

One LINER
Young and fast eventually loses to old and sneaky.

Thought for the day
God knew what he was doing from the very beginning. He decided from the outset to shape the lives of those who love him along the same lines as the life of his Son. The Son stands first in the line of humanity he restored. We see the original and intended shape of our lives there in him. Romans 8:29 (Msg)

You were created to become like Christ

Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today, it’s called golf.

One LINER
Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

Thought for the day
John 3:20-21
Everyone who does evil hates the light, and will not come into the light for fear that his deeds will be exposed. But whoever lives by the truth comes into the light, so that it may be seen plainly that what he has done has been done through God.

Truth is seen in what it does and whom it seeks.

As an instructor in driver education at Unionville-Sebewaing Area High School in Michigan, I’ve learned that even the brightest students can become flustered behind the wheel.

One day I had three beginners in the car, each scheduled to drive for 30 minutes. When the first student had completed his time, I asked him to change places with one of the others. Gripping the wheel tightly and staring straight ahead, he asked in a shaky voice,

“Should I stop the car?

One LINER
Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?

Thought for the day
“For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love, and of self-discipline” (2 Timothy 1:7 NIV).

When we’re full of fear and anxiety, we don’t get close to each other. We back off from each other. We’re afraid of being rejected, manipulated, vulnerable, hurt, or used. All of these fears cause us to disconnect in life.

Fear does three terrible things to relationships:
1. Fear makes us defensive. We’re afraid to reveal ourselves. We defend ourselves.
2. Fear keeps us distant. We don’t let people get close to us. We want to withdraw, pull back.
3. Fear makes us demanding. Whenever we’re insecure, and the more insecure we are, the more we try to control. So we try to have the last word in a relationship. We try to dominate, control. It’s always a symptom of fear and insecurity.

There were three old ladies sitting around the kitchen table – Gertrude, Sophia and Harriet.

Gertrude said, “I think I’ll go upstairs now and take a bath.”

She took all her clothes off as she was filling up the tub, she had one foot in the tub and the other still outside. She said, “Was I getting into the tub or coming out of the tub?”

Sophia and Harriet were downstairs chatting with each other, when Sophia said, “You know, Gertrude’s been up there for quite a while – I’d better go and check on her.”

As she was going up the stairs, she stopped and turned around and said, “Was I going up the stairs or coming down the stairs?”

Harriet was left sitting at the table by herself. After she heard Sophia’s remark, she said, “Thank goodness I’m not that bad, knock on wood. Was that the front door or the back door?

One LINER
An Army private filling out a questionnaire for a correspondence course was stymied by the question, “How long has your present employer been in business?”
He thought for a moment, then wrote, “Since 1776.”

Thought for the day
“Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don’t try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way” (James 1:2–4 MSG).

The Bible says, “Is your life full of difficulties and temptations? Then be happy, for when the way is rough, your patience has a chance to grow. So let it grow, and don’t try to squirm out of your problems. For when your patience is finally in full bloom, then you will be ready for anything, strong in character, full and complete” (James 1:2–4 LB).

A newsboy was standing on the corner with a stack of papers, yelling, “Read all about it. Fifty people swindled! Fifty people swindled!”

Curious, a man walked over, bought a paper, and checked the front page. Finding nothing, the man said, “There’s nothing in here about fifty people being swindled.”

The newsboy ignored him and went on, calling out, “Read all about it. Fifty-one people swindled!”

One LINER
For every credibility gap, there is a gullibility gap.

Thought for the day
Please remember what you told your servant Moses: “If you sin, I will scatter you among the nations.” Nehemiah 1:8 (NLT)

Four Secrets from Nehemiah’s answered prayer:
1. Base your request on God’s character
2. Confess the sins of which you’re aware
3. Claim the promises of God
4. Be very specific in what you ask for