When my now 14-year-old daughter was 3 and her younger brother was getting into everything, she asked, “Mommy, can we put him back, now?”

Deciding to take this opportunity as a teaching moment in how siblings should treat each other, I explained to her that we could not put him back – that her brother was a gift from God.

She looked up at me with her big blue eyes and responded, “I understand, Mommy. God didn’t want him either.”

One LINER
The sole purpose of a child’s middle name is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble.

Thought for the day
Ephesians 5:8
You were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord.
Before and after — that’s the story of grace.

“Pants Dilemma”
A young man came home from the office and found his bride sobbing convulsively. “I feel terrible,” she told him. “I was pressing your suit and I burned a big hole in the seat of your trousers.”

“Forget it,” consoled her husband. “Remember that I’ve got an extra pair of pants for that suit.”

“Yes, and it’s lucky you have,” said the woman, drying her eyes. “I used them to patch the hole.”

One LINER
“Do you ever get the feeling that the only reason we have elections is to find out if the polls were right?”- Robert Orben

Thought for the day
God did not give us a spirit that makes us afraid but a spirit of power and love and self-control. 2 Timothy 1:7

God wants you and I to develop a self-discipline that pushes us to do things, even as others are giving up we press on!

THE WHITE LIE CAKE
Alice was to bake a cake for the Baptist Church Ladies’ Group in Tuscaloosa, but forgot to do it until the last minute. She remembered the morning of the bake sale and, after rummaging through cabinets, found an angel food cake mix & quickly made it while drying her hair, dressing, and helping her son pack for Scout camp.

When Alice took the cake from the oven, the center had dropped flat and the cake was horribly disfigured. She thought, “Oh dear, there is not time to bake another cake.”

This cake was important to Alice because she did so want to fit in at her new church and in her new community of friends. So, being inventive, she looked around the house for something to build up the center of the cake.

Alice found it in the bathroom – a roll of toilet paper. She plunked it in and covered it with icing. Not only did the finished product look beautiful, it looked perfect.

Before she left the house to drop the cake by the church and head for work, Alice woke her daughter Amanda and gave her some money and specific instructions to be at the bake sale the moment it opened at 9:30 and to buy the cake and bring it home.

When Amanda arrived at the sale, she found the attractive, perfect cake had already been sold. She grabbed her cell phone and called her mom.

Alice was horrified – she was beside herself. Everyone would know! What would they think? She would be ostracized, talked about, and ridiculed! All night, Alice lay awake in bed thinking about people pointing fingers at her and talking about her behind her back.

The next day, Alice promised herself she would try not to think about the cake and would attend the fancy luncheon/bridal shower at the home of a fellow church member and try to have a good time. Alice did not want to attend because the hostess was a snob who more than once had looked down her nose at Alice because she was a single parent and not from the founding families of her city but, having already RSVP’d, she couldn’t think of a believable excuse to stay home.

The meal was elegant, the company was definitely upper crust and, to Alice ‘s horror, the cake in question was presented for dessert! Alice felt the blood drain from her body when she saw the cake!

She started out of her chair to tell the hostess all about it, but before she could get to her feet, the Mayor’s wife said, “What a beautiful cake!”

Alice still stunned, sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess (who was also a prominent church member) say, “Thank you. I baked it myself.”

Alice smiled and thought to herself, “God is good.”

One Liner
At least a stopped clock is right twice a day.

Thought for the day
“Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus” Philippians 4:6-7

If you feel overwhelmed or confused about a decision that you’re trying to make, you’re probably caught up in yourself and not listening for God’s voice. The Bible says, “God is not a God of disorder but of peace” (1 Corinthians 14:33 NIV). He is not the author of confusion. So if you’re feeling confused, guess what? It’s not God’s voice speaking in your life.

My grandson, Chris, has worn glasses since the age of three. When he was in the first grade he came home one day very distressed. Wanting to find out what was the matter his mother asked, “Chris, what happened today to upset you so?”

He answered, “It’s not fair that I’m not allowed to go to the library.”

His mother became very concerned and asked, “Why aren’t you allowed to go to the library?”

With a tearful reply he said, “Because, in order to go to the library you have to have “supervision”, and I wear glasses!”

One LINER
“Americans have the watches; Africans have the time.”

Thought for the day
Hebrews 10:35-36
Do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded. You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised.

Boy there are some tough times in life! That’s when our confidence in the Lord’s salvation and our relationship with him get tested! So don’t throw it away. Just don’t quit.

Can’t Hurt to Ask
My granddaughter, Hannah, begged me long-distance to come help her celebrate her sixth birthday. Unable to resist, I made my plans to join the family.

When we sat down for the birthday dinner, my son asked Hannah if she would like to bless the food on her birthday. “Oh, yes, Daddy,” she said.

She closed her eyes and began, “Dear Lord, thank you for Mommy and this good food she fixed. Thank you for letting Grandma come here today.”

Pausing momentarily, Hannah opened her eyes to peek at me before she continued. “And please Lord, let us have a good time at Toys ‘R’ Us this afternoon.”

One LINER
Will be President for food.

Thought for the day
1 John 3:18
Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth.

“Talk is cheap!” Show love with your life.”

Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was and I said, “Fried chicken.” She said I wasn’t funny. But she couldn’t have been right – everyone else in the class laughed.

My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken – pork and beef and fish too.

Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal’s office. I told him what happened, and he laughed too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she’d asked the other children. So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal’s office again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.

I don’t understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn’t like it when I am. Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most.

I told her, “Colonel Sanders.”

Guess where I am now…

One Liner|
The bonds of matrimony are a good investment, but only when the interest is kept up.

Thought for the day
“Do everything in love” (1 Corinthians 16:14 NIV). The number one goal in your life should be to learn to really love — your family, neighbors, unlovely people, and those who are hard to love. That makes you more like God, because God is love.

“Ohio”

Apparently I tend to brag too much about my home state of Ohio.

One day I told a long-suffering friend, “You know, the first man in powered flight was from Ohio. The first man to orbit the earth was from Ohio. And the first man on the moon was from Ohio.”

“Sounds like a lot of people are trying to get out of Ohio,” he observed.

One LINER
Bacteria: They’re the only culture some people have.

Thought for the day
1 Corinthians 10:31, “When you eat or drink or do anything else, always do it to honor God” (CEV). Everything can be done to honor God. By doing it with the right motive: gratitude. You want your life to bring honor to God, so your goals should help you be the best you can be for God’s glory.

FUN THINGS TO DO ON AN ELEVATOR WHILE BORED

~ When there’s only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn’t you.

~ Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.

~ Swat at flies that don’t exist.

~ Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, “Got enough air in there?”

~ Lay down a Twister mat and ask people if they’d like to play.

~ Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.

~ Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.

~ Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

~ Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers, “This is my personal space!”

~ Hold the doors open and say you’re waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say, “Hi Greg. How’s your day been?”

~ Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in horror, “You’re one of THEM!” and back away slowly.

One LINER
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Thought for the day 
“He has shaped each person in turn; now he watches everything we do” (Psalm 33:15 MSG).

You don’t bring glory or pleasure to God by hiding your abilities or by trying to be someone else. You only bring him enjoyment by being you.

After being away on business, Tim thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift. “How about some perfume?” he asked the cosmetics clerk.

She showed him a bottle costing $50.

“That’s a bit much,” said Tim, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.

“That’s still quite a bit,” Tim complained.

Growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a tiny $15 bottle.

“What I mean,” said Tim, “is I’d like to see something really cheap.”

The clerk handed him a mirror.

One LINER
A narrow mind and a wide mouth usually go together.

Thought for the day
Romans 5:3-4
We also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.

I remember the old Corrie ten Boom line, “Thank God for the fleas.” The fleas kept the German soldiers out of the barracks in the concentration camp where she was imprisoned. This allowed her to minister and visit with those who were being persecuted. There she could show and share Jesus.