A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, “Excuthe me, mithter, do you have any wittle wabbits?”

And the shopkeeper bends way down and puts his hands on his knees so he’s on her level, and asks, “Do you want a wittle white wabby or a wittle bwack wabby?  Or maybe that cute wittle bwown wabby over there?”

She in turn puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet little voice, “I don’t fink my pyfon weally cares.”

One LINER
“The best mirror is an old friend.” – George Herbert

Thought of the day
Acts 25:18-19
But the accusations made against him weren’t any of the crimes I expected.  Instead, it was something about their religion and a dead man named Jesus, who Paul insists is alive.

Jewish leaders came from Jerusalem making serious accusations against Paul.  But when it came down to it – it wasn’t about any crime he had committed but that he claimed Jesus was alive and not dead!!  Would that be the only charge against you and I today?  We claim Jesus is alive in all our actions and speech!!

Movie Seats

After I had purchased movie tickets for myself and my girlfriend, she went inside to find seats while I got some popcorn. By the time I was served, the previews were being shown. I stumbled my way through the dark, sat down, and gave my girlfriend a kiss.

Then I heard a familiar voice say, “John, I’m back here.”

One LINER
Sometimes I think I’m diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

Thought for the day
For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life. … For God loved the world in this way: He gave his one and only Son, so that everyone who believes in him will not perish but have eternal life. John 3:16 True Love!!

After receiving a beautiful haircut, a doctor asks the barber, “How much do I owe you?”

“Oh, I never charge a doctor,” the barber replies. “You all do such good, important work.”

The next morning, the barber arrives at his shop and finds a thank you note and a bottle of wine on his doorstep from the doctor.

Later that day, a police officer walks into the same barbershop. After a beautiful haircut, the police office asks the barber, “How much do I owe you?”

“Oh, I never charge a police officer,” the barber replies. “You all do such good, important work.”

The next morning, the barber arrives at his shop and finds a thank you note and a box of candy on his doorstep from the police officer.

Later that day, a pastor walks into the same barbershop. After a beautiful haircut, the pastor asks the barber, “How much do I owe you?”

“Oh, I never charge a pastor,” the barber replies. “You all do such good, important work.”

The next morning, the barber arrives at his shop and finds twelve pastors on his doorstep.

One LINER
It is easier to preach ten sermons than it is to live one.

Thought for the day
God gave us a free gift of salvation when Jesus took our sin upon himself. It’s a gift we must receive. The Bible says, “Yet to all who did receive him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God” (John 1:12 NIV).

My husband was delighted when our 3-year-old daughter climbed up onto his knee and said, “Daddy, you’re handsome.” But his grin quickly faded when she added, “and I’m Gretel.”

One LINER
Why does the psychic hotline ask for your credit card number?

Thought for the day
“God showed how much he loved us by sending his only Son into the world so that we might have eternal life through him. This is real love . . . he sent his Son as a sacrifice to take away our sins” (1 John 4:9–10 NLT).

Everything in life changes—relationships, jobs, fame. One minute you feel like a hero; the next minute you feel like a zero. But there’s one thing in the universe that will never change: God’s love.

TRUE LOVE

If you love something, set it free.

If it comes back, it was, and always will be yours.

If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with.

If it just sits in your living room,

messes up your stuff,

eats your food,

uses your telephone,

takes your money,

and never behaves as if you actually set it free in the first place, you either married it or birthed it.

One LINER
DIAPER spelled backward is REPAID. Think about it!

Thought for the day
“Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer” (Romans 12:11-12 NIV).

To reach your goals, you have to figure out how to maintain your enthusiasm over the long haul.

Two old friends met one day after many years. One attended college, and now was very successful. The other had not attended college and never had much ambition.

The successful one said, “How has everything been going with you?”

“Well, one day I opened the Bible at random, and dropped my finger on a word and it was oil. So, I invested in oil, and boy, did the oil wells gush.

“Then another day I dropped my finger on another word and it was gold. So, I invested in gold and those mines really produced. Now, I’m as rich as Rockefeller.”

The successful friend was so impressed that he rushed to his hotel, grabbed a Gideon Bible, flipped it open, and dropped his finger on a page.

He opened his eyes and his finger rested on the words, “Chapter Eleven.”

One Liner
I saw that TV show “50 Things To Do Before You Die.” I would have thought the obvious one was “shout for help.”

Thought for the day
Romans 8:9 says, “You are not controlled by your sinful nature. You are controlled by the Spirit if you have the Spirit of God living in you. (And remember that those who do not have the Spirit of Christ living in them do not belong to him at all)” (NLT).

Yes, you will still have those desires. But the Holy Spirit will give you the power to say “no” to them; you do not have to satisfy those desires. This is the difference the Spirit of God makes in you. This is how God sets you free from your compulsions.

One Sunday after church Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about.

Her daughter answered, “Don’t be scared, you’ll get your quilts.” Needless to say, Mom was perplexed.

Later in the day, the Pastor stopped by for tea. Mom asked him what that morning’s Sunday school lesson was about.

He said, “Be not afraid, Thy comforter is coming.”

One Liner
A short fortune-teller escaped from prison to become a small medium, at-large.

Thought for the day
“The Lord blessed the last part of Job’s life even more than he had blessed the first” (Job 42:12 GNT). Job went through all this hurt, but in spite of that, God blessed the last part of Job’s life even more than the first.

A woman’s husband died. He had $20,000 to his name.

After paying all the funeral expenses, she told her closest friend that there was no money left.

The friend asked, “How can that be? You told me he had $20,000 a few days before he died. How could you be broke?”

The widow replied, “Well, the funeral cost me $6,500. And of course, I had to make the obligatory donation to the church, pay the organist and all. That was $500, and I spent another $500 for the wake, the food and drinks, you know. The rest went for the memorial stone.”

The friend asked, “$12,500 for the memorial stone? My God, how big was it?”

The widow replied, “Three carats.”

One Liner
Fools rush in…and get all the best seats.

Thought for the day
“[Job’s] wife said to him, ‘Are you still trying to maintain your integrity? Curse God and die.’ But Job replied, ‘You talk like a godless woman. Should we accept only good things from the hand of God and never anything bad?’ So in all this, Job said nothing wrong”(Job 2:9-10 NLT).

Job refused to become bitter and resentful. Bitterness prolongs pain. It doesn’t relieve it; it only reinforces it.

Looking over the log book kept by the computer support staff at my office, I noticed several entries stating the problem was PICNIC.

I asked one of the technicians what PICNIC meant.

He laughed as he told me it meant “Problem In Chair, Not In Computer.”

One Liner
The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity.

Thought for the day
I came naked from my mother’s womb,’ [Job] said, ‘and I shall have nothing when I die. The Lord gave me everything I had, and they were his to take away. Blessed be the name of the Lord.’ In all of this Job did not sin or revile God” (Job 1:21-22 TLB).

Grief is a part of life, but you can’t let a season of grief turn into a lifestyle of grief.

“Happy Songs”

A retired man who volunteers to entertain patients in nursing homes and hospitals went to Maimonides Hospital in Brooklyn and took his portable keyboard along. He told some jokes and sang some funny songs at patients’ bedsides.

When he finished he said, in farewell, “I hope you get better.”

One elderly gentleman replied, “I hope you get better, too.”

course sign: “Please don’t find lost balls until they stop rolling.”

One LINER
Municipal golf course sign: “Please don’t find lost balls until they stop rolling.”

Thought for the day
“You have been bought and paid for by Christ, so you belong to him — be free now from all these earthly prides and fears” (1 Corinthians 7:23 TLB).

God says that you’re not only accepted, you’re also valuable.