Little Johnny was one of those holy terrors and her husband was surprised when his wife suggested that they buy him a bike for his birthday.

“Do you really believe that’ll help improve his behavior?” he said.

“Well, no,” she admitted, “But it’ll spread it over a wider area.”

One Liner
Hospitality is making your guests feel at home, even if you wish they were.

Thought for the day
“If you know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!”  (Matthew 7:11 NIV)

If you, being an imperfect father, know how to give good gifts to your kids, don’t you think God, who is a perfect Father, knows how to give good gifts to you? He loves to meet my needs.

LOT’S WIFE
The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot’s wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Jason interrupted, “My Mommy looked back once while she was driving,” he announced triumphantly, “and she turned into a telephone pole!”

One Liner
Spring allergies and a full-face motorcycle helmet are not a pleasant combination.

Thought for the day
“Everything that goes into a life of pleasing God has been miraculously given to us by getting to know, personally and intimately, the One who invited us to God” (2 Peter 1:3 The Message).

Honestly, right now is the time to decide this issue. Believe God loves you and made you for his purposes. Believe you were made to last forever. Believe that no matter what you’ve done, God wants to forgive you.

Two snakes were crawling along when one snake asked the other, “Are we poisonous snakes?”

The other replied, “Of course we are! We’re rattlesnakes. Why do you ask?”

To which the first replied, “Oh, well….I just bit my tongue.”

One Liner
“Give a man a fish and feed him for a day.; give a man a stick of dynamite and soon the whole village will be strewn with mud, seaweed, and unidentifiable chunks of fish.”

Thought for the day
“Whoever accepts and trusts the Son gets in on everything, life complete and forever!” (John 3:36 The Message).

Living for the glory of God will require a change in your priorities, your schedule, your relationships, and everything else.

The school of agriculture’s dean of admissions was interviewing a prospective student, “Why have you chosen this career?” he asked.

“I dream of making a million dollars in farming, like my father,” the student replied.

“Your father made a million dollars in farming?!” echoed the dean much impressed.

“No,” replied the applicant. “But he always dreamed of it.”

One Liner
I am a mental tourist. My mind wanders.

Thought for the day
The Bible says in 1 Corinthians 13:7, “Love patiently accepts all things. It always trusts, always hopes, and always endures” (NCV). If you want to raise confident kids, you’ve got to build them up more than you tear them down. You’ve got to give more cheers than you give jeers.

In a shop, two men struck up a conversation.

Just as one fellow said that his wife was getting carried away with her shopping, a brief power outage caused the lights to flicker overhead.

‘That,’ he sighed, ‘must be her checking out now.’

One Liner
I’m not bossy. I just know what you should be doing.

Thought for the day
“Think about Jesus’ example. He held on while wicked people were doing evil things to him. So do not get tired and stop trying” (Hebrews 12:3 NCV).

God wants you to be healthy in every area of your life—emotionally, spiritually, and physically. For mental health, you must focus your mind on the right things

Dewey heard that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all walked on water on their 21st birthdays.

So, on his 21st birthday, Dewey and his big brother Damon, headed out to the lake. “If they did it, I can too!” he insisted.

When Dewey and Damon arrived at the lake, they rented a canoe and began paddling. When they got to the middle of the lake, Dewey stepped off of the side of the boat… and nearly drowned.

Furious and somewhat embarrassed, he and Damon headed for home.

When Dewey arrived back at the family home, he asked his grandmother for an explanation. “Grandma, why can’t I walk on water like my father, and his father, and his father before him?”

His sweet old grandmother took Dewey by the hand, looked into his eyes, and explained, “That’s because your father, grandfather, and great-grandfather were born in January, You were born in June, dear.”

One Liner
Advice is free: The right answer will cost plenty.

Thought for the day
“If you’ve gotten anything at all out of following Christ, if his love has made any difference in your life, if being in a community of the Spirit means anything to you . . . Agree with each other, love each other, be deep-spirited friends”(Philippians 2:1-2 The Message).

Relationships are always worth restoring.

Six housewives living in the same apartment building fell into a dispute of such magnitude that it resulted in their being hauled into court. When the case was called, they all made a concerted rush for the bench; and reaching it, all broke into bitter complaints at the same moment. The judge sat momentarily stunned as charges and counter-charges filled the air.

Suddenly he rapped for order. When quiet had been restored, the patient magistrate said gently, “Now, I’ll hear the oldest first.”

That closed the case.

One Liner
Alcohol and calculus don’t mix. Never drink and derive.

Thought for the day
Job says, “What strength do I have left that I can go on hoping? What goal do I have that I would want to prolong my life?” (Job 6:11 GW). You have to have a goal to keep you going.

My husband was water-skiing when he fell into the river. As the boat circled to pick him up, he noticed a hunter sitting in a duck boat in the reeds.

My husband put his hands in the air and joked, “Don’t shoot!”

The hunter responded, “Don’t quack.”

One Liner
I was watching a cooking show on TV and they used clarified butter. Why does butter need to be clarified? Isn’t it rather obvious already?

Thought for the day
God doesn’t hold a grudge. That’s not his nature. He says, “I am the God who forgives your sins, and I do this because of who I am. I will not hold your sins against you” (Isaiah 43:25 GNT). If you have received Jesus as your Savior, then there is no condemnation because you are in Christ

A bee flew into the bus and began buzzing menacingly against the window next to me and the man seated ahead of me.

For several unnerving minutes I debated what I should do until my fellow passenger decided to dispatch the insect with the paperback book he’d been reading.

After several unsuccessful swats, one blow hit its mark.

“I’m glad you got it,” I told the man.

He smiled sheepishly as he showed me the title of the book he had used: “Random Acts of Kindness.”

One Liner
I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn’t looking good either.

Thought for the day
Because God knows your frustrations and despair, you can give those feelings to him: “Leave all your worries with him, because he cares for you” (1 Peter 5:7 GNT). Cast them all permanently on God, once and for all. Don’t take them back.

15 EXERCISES WE’D BE BETTER OFF WITHOUT IN 2019…

~ Jumping on the bandwagon

~ Wading through paperwork

~ Running around in circles

~ Pushing your luck

~ Playing in traffic

~ Spinning your wheels

~ Adding fuel to the fire

~ Beating your head against the wall

~ Climbing the walls

~ Beating your own drum

~ Dragging your heels

~ Jumping to conclusions

~ Grasping at straws

~ Fishing for compliments

~ Throwing your weight around

~ Passing the buck

~ Running with scissors

One Liner
I changed my password to “incorrect” so whenever I forget it the computer will say, “Your password is incorrect.”

Thought for the day
Hebrews 4:13 says, “Nothing in all creation is hidden from God’s sight” (NIV). God is never surprised. He knows everything!

The fact that God knows everything about you is good news, not bad.