In a shop, two men struck up a conversation.

Just as one fellow said that his wife was getting carried away with her shopping, a brief power outage caused the lights to flicker overhead.

‘That,’ he sighed, ‘must be her checking out now.’

One Liner
I’m not bossy. I just know what you should be doing.

Thought for the day
“Think about Jesus’ example. He held on while wicked people were doing evil things to him. So do not get tired and stop trying” (Hebrews 12:3 NCV).

God wants you to be healthy in every area of your life—emotionally, spiritually, and physically. For mental health, you must focus your mind on the right things

Dewey heard that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all walked on water on their 21st birthdays.

So, on his 21st birthday, Dewey and his big brother Damon, headed out to the lake. “If they did it, I can too!” he insisted.

When Dewey and Damon arrived at the lake, they rented a canoe and began paddling. When they got to the middle of the lake, Dewey stepped off of the side of the boat… and nearly drowned.

Furious and somewhat embarrassed, he and Damon headed for home.

When Dewey arrived back at the family home, he asked his grandmother for an explanation. “Grandma, why can’t I walk on water like my father, and his father, and his father before him?”

His sweet old grandmother took Dewey by the hand, looked into his eyes, and explained, “That’s because your father, grandfather, and great-grandfather were born in January, You were born in June, dear.”

One Liner
Advice is free: The right answer will cost plenty.

Thought for the day
“If you’ve gotten anything at all out of following Christ, if his love has made any difference in your life, if being in a community of the Spirit means anything to you . . . Agree with each other, love each other, be deep-spirited friends”(Philippians 2:1-2 The Message).

Relationships are always worth restoring.

Six housewives living in the same apartment building fell into a dispute of such magnitude that it resulted in their being hauled into court. When the case was called, they all made a concerted rush for the bench; and reaching it, all broke into bitter complaints at the same moment. The judge sat momentarily stunned as charges and counter-charges filled the air.

Suddenly he rapped for order. When quiet had been restored, the patient magistrate said gently, “Now, I’ll hear the oldest first.”

That closed the case.

One Liner
Alcohol and calculus don’t mix. Never drink and derive.

Thought for the day
Job says, “What strength do I have left that I can go on hoping? What goal do I have that I would want to prolong my life?” (Job 6:11 GW). You have to have a goal to keep you going.

My husband was water-skiing when he fell into the river. As the boat circled to pick him up, he noticed a hunter sitting in a duck boat in the reeds.

My husband put his hands in the air and joked, “Don’t shoot!”

The hunter responded, “Don’t quack.”

One Liner
I was watching a cooking show on TV and they used clarified butter. Why does butter need to be clarified? Isn’t it rather obvious already?

Thought for the day
God doesn’t hold a grudge. That’s not his nature. He says, “I am the God who forgives your sins, and I do this because of who I am. I will not hold your sins against you” (Isaiah 43:25 GNT). If you have received Jesus as your Savior, then there is no condemnation because you are in Christ

A bee flew into the bus and began buzzing menacingly against the window next to me and the man seated ahead of me.

For several unnerving minutes I debated what I should do until my fellow passenger decided to dispatch the insect with the paperback book he’d been reading.

After several unsuccessful swats, one blow hit its mark.

“I’m glad you got it,” I told the man.

He smiled sheepishly as he showed me the title of the book he had used: “Random Acts of Kindness.”

One Liner
I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn’t looking good either.

Thought for the day
Because God knows your frustrations and despair, you can give those feelings to him: “Leave all your worries with him, because he cares for you” (1 Peter 5:7 GNT). Cast them all permanently on God, once and for all. Don’t take them back.

15 EXERCISES WE’D BE BETTER OFF WITHOUT IN 2019…

~ Jumping on the bandwagon

~ Wading through paperwork

~ Running around in circles

~ Pushing your luck

~ Playing in traffic

~ Spinning your wheels

~ Adding fuel to the fire

~ Beating your head against the wall

~ Climbing the walls

~ Beating your own drum

~ Dragging your heels

~ Jumping to conclusions

~ Grasping at straws

~ Fishing for compliments

~ Throwing your weight around

~ Passing the buck

~ Running with scissors

One Liner
I changed my password to “incorrect” so whenever I forget it the computer will say, “Your password is incorrect.”

Thought for the day
Hebrews 4:13 says, “Nothing in all creation is hidden from God’s sight” (NIV). God is never surprised. He knows everything!

The fact that God knows everything about you is good news, not bad.

“What’s your father’s occupation?” asked the school secretary on the first day of registration.

“He’s a magician,” said the new boy.

“How exciting. What’s his best trick?”

“He saws people in half.”

“How impressive! Now, do you have any brothers or sisters?”

“Yep…one half brother and two half sisters.”

One Liner
My New Year’s resolution is to help all my friends gain ten pounds so I look skinnier.

Thought for the day
“When you pray and you ask for something, believe that you have received it and you will be given what you asked for” Mark 11:24

Faith is not believing God can do something. Faith is not hoping he will do something. Faith is thanking God in advance.

What do you tell someone you didn’t see at New Year’s Eve?

I haven’t seen you for a year!

One Liner
I love when they drop the ball in Times Square. It’s a nice reminder of what I did all year.

Thought for the day
“It was faith that made Moses leave Egypt without being afraid of the king’s anger. As though he saw the invisible God, he refused to turn back” (Hebrews 11:27 GNT).

The difference between successful people and unsuccessful people is that successful people are willing to do what unsuccessful people don’t feel like doing. They develop habits. They stay committed. You don’t get to the Olympics because you feel like it. You get to the Olympics by hours and hours of training that you didn’t feel like doing. You don’t become a master musician without hours and hours of rehearsal that you probably didn’t feel like doing all the time.

In the same way, you don’t become a godly man or woman by simply doing what you feel like doing. Godly men and women choose to develop the habits that produce godliness in their lives. It’s not any easier than working out or dieting or rehearsing or anything else that may be good for you but you don’t feel like doing.

What do you cows celebrate on December 31st?

Moo Years Eve.

One Liner
A New Year’s resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.

Thought for the day
“After waiting patiently, Abraham received what was promised” (Hebrews 6:15 NIV).

When you’re waiting on God, remember that you’re in good company.

New Year’s Resolutions for Technology Junkies

1. I will try to figure out why I “really need” 12 e-mail addresses and 3 twitter accounts.

2. I will stop using facebook as my primary means of communication with my family…

3. I resolve to work with neglected children — my own.

4. I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm with which I answer my e-mail and text messages.

5. I will stop sending e-mail to my spouse. A phone call every now and then would be appreciated.

6. I resolve to back up my hard drive daily…well, once a week…okay, monthly then…or maybe… at least once a year

7. I will spend less than one hour a day on the Internet. This, of course, will be hard to estimate since I’m not a clock watcher.

8. I will stop checking my e-mail or blogs at 3:00 in the morning… 4:30 is much more practical since my friends overseas already had time to answer me by then.

9. When I hear a funny joke, I will not reply: “LOL… LOL!”

10. I will think of a password other than “password.”

11. I resolve… I resolve to… I resolve to, uh… I resolve to, uh, get my, er… I resolve to, uh, get my, er, off-line work done, too!

One Liner
As far as I’m concerned, treachery will sometimes bring loyalty into question

Thought for the day
“Many of the people scolded him and told him to be quiet. But he shouted even more loudly, ‘Son of David, have mercy on me!’ ” (Mark 10:48 GNT).

If you’re going to make a fresh start with faith in your life, you have to face your fears. Don’t let them control you! Fear has an incredible ability to paralyze our potential, to keep us from launching out, to keep us from having faith in our lives.

God is asking you to do something greater than you’ve ever done before: He’s asking you to depend on him completely!!