Our 10-year-old Mattie having a conversation with her grandmother while eating breakfast:

Mattie: Nanna, I’m a fat old man.

Grandmother: Mattie! What did you say?

Mattie:  I’m a fat old man.

Grandmother: Now Mattie why would you say something like that?

Mattie:  Well, everybody says I look just like my daddy.

One Liner
Sign at a fast food place: Eat or we’ll both starve.

Thought for the day
“While God was testing him, Abraham still trusted in God and his promises, and so he offered up his son Isaac” Hebrews 11:17a,

A dead end is a test of your faith. God said he wanted Abraham to sacrifice his son, and Abraham didn’t blink an eye. He didn’t panic because he remembered what God could do, and he relied on what God had promised him.

Jill’s car was unreliable and she called John for a ride every time it broke down. One day John got yet another one of those calls…

John: “What happened this time?”

Jill: “My brakes went out.  Can you come get me?”

John: “Where are you?”

Jill: “I’m in the drugstore.”

John: “And where’s the car?”

Jill: “It’s in here with me.”

One Liner
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV to one of nine channels.

Thought for the day
“Abraham, when hope was dead within him, went on hoping in faith . . . He relied on the word of God” Romans 4:18

When you are at a dead end, you need the Bible. Read it. Study it. Memorize it. Think about it. Write it down on little notecards, and go over it. The Bible is full of promises. You rely on the Word and trust in its promises, and it will revive you emotionally.

Use ME?!?!

The next time you feel like God can’t use you, just remember…

~ Noah was a drunk

~ Abraham was too old

~ Isaac was a daydreamer

~ Jacob was a liar

~ Leah was ugly

~ Joseph was abused

~ Moses had a stuttering problem

~ Gideon was afraid

~ Samson had long hair and was a womanizer

~ Rahab was a prostitute

~ Jeremiah and Timothy were too young

~ David was an adulterer and a murderer

~ Elijah was suicidal

~ Jonah ran from God

~ Naomi was a widow

~ Job went bankrupt

~ John the Baptist ate bugs

~ Peter denied Christ

~ The disciples fell asleep while praying

~ Martha worried about everything

~ The Samaritan woman was divorced (more than once)

~ Zaccheus was too small

~ Paul was too religious

~ Timothy had an ulcer

~ Lazarus was dead!

One Liner
God’s faithfulness always surpasses our unfaithfulness.

Thought for the day
“We know that in all things God works for good with those who love him, those whom he has called according to his purpose” (Romans 8:28 TEV).

Let’s face it. You and I do foolish things from time to time. We make mistakes.

But nothing you ever do is beyond the capacity of God to use. We may make mistakes, but God doesn’t.

“Sally, can you spell ‘water’ for me?” The teacher asked.

“H I J K L M N 0,” answered Sally promptly.

Her teacher look puzzled. “That doesn’t spell “water.”

“Sure it does,” said Sally. “My daddy’s a scientist and he says water is H to O.”

One Liner
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diets.

Thought for the day
“My heart rejoices in your salvation” (Psalm 13:5b NIV).

If you’re a follower of Jesus, joy should be a way of life.

Three little boys were bragging about how tough they were.

“I’m so tough,” said the first boy, “that I can wear out a pair of shoes in a week.”

“Well,” said the second boy, “I’m so tough, I can wear out a pair of jeans in a day.”

“That’s nothing,” said the third boy.  “When my parents take me to see Grandma and Grandpa, I can wear them out in just one hour.”

One Liner
Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news. The good news is that you are not a hypochondriac.

Thought for the day
“If the Spirit of God, who raised Jesus from death, lives in you, then he who raised Christ from death will also give life to your mortal bodies by the presence of his Spirit in you” (Romans 8:11 TEV).

God never promised that this life would be fair. We live on a broken planet. Heaven is where everything is done God’s way. Life on Earth just doesn’t work like that.

An hour later, the dog walks back into the agency and the receptionist yells that she has a job for the dog in the circus.

To which the dog replies, “What does the circus want with a carpenter?”

One Liner
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as “4’s”?

Thought for the day
Psalm 84:11: “The Lord will withhold no good thing from those who do what is right” (NLT).

Make note of these three words: no good thing.

“This little computer,” said the sales clerk, “will do half of your job for you.”

Studying the machine, the senior VP said, “Fine. I’ll take two.”

One Liner
Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege.

Thought for the day
“My God will meet all your needs according to the riches of his glory in Christ Jesus” (Philippians 4:19 NIV).

One of our biggest worries tends to be about our ability to provide for our needs.
But it shouldn’t be!

We took the kids to one of those restaurants where the walls are plastered with movie memorabilia. I went off to see the hostess about reserving a table. When I returned, I found my 10-year-old granddaughter Kaitlyn staring at a poster of Superman standing in a phone booth.

Kaitlyn looked puzzled. “She doesn’t know who Superman is?” I whispered to Jenny.

“Worse,” Jenny replied. “She doesn’t know what a phone booth is.”

One Liner
I scream, you scream. The police come. It’s awkward.

Thought for the day
“Anyone who drinks this water will soon become thirsty again. But those who drink the water I give will never be thirsty again. It becomes a fresh, bubbling spring within them, giving them eternal life” John 4:13-14

If you feel unsatisfied with your life and you want to live a fulfilled, meaningful life, you need to stop looking for satisfaction somewhere besides Jesus.

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says, “Slim, I’m 83 years old now and I’m just full of aches and pains. I know you’re about my age. How do you feel?”

Slim says, “I feel just like a newborn baby.”

“Really!? Like a newborn baby!?”

“Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.” 

One Liner
I love being over 70.  I learn something new every day and forget five others.

Thought for the day
“It is the Lord who gives wisdom; from him come knowledge and understanding” Proverbs 2:6

You don’t hear God when your mind is filled with a thousand other distractions. To hear God, you’ve got to get near to God. You’ve got to get alone with God and be quiet.

A group of women were at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with their husbands.

The women were asked, “How many of you love your husband?” All the women raised their hands.

Then they were asked, “When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?”

Some women answered … “today,” a few … “yesterday,” and some … “can’t remember.”

The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text their husband – “I love you, Sweetheart”

Next the women were instructed to exchange phones with one another and read aloud the text message they received in response to their message.

Below are 12 hilarious replies. If you have been married for quite a while, you understand that these replies are a sign of true love. Who else would reply in such a succinct and honest way?

~ Who IS this?

~ Eh, mother of my children, are you sick or what?

~ Yeah, and I love you too. What’s wrong?

~ I don’t understand what you mean?

~ What now? Did you wreck the car again?

~ Am I dreaming?

~ Don’t beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?

~ What did you do now?

~ If you don’t tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.

~ Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn’t she?

Kinda tugs at the heart, doesn’t it?

One Liner
I don’t mean to brag, but I finished my 14-day diet food in 3 hours and 20 minutes.

Thought for the day
”All need to be made right with God by his grace, which is a free gift. They need to be made free from sin through Jesus Christ” Romans 3:24

Salvation is a gift, and you don’t work for a gift. It’s free! You can’t earn it, you can’t buy it, and you can’t work for it.