Somebody who doesn’t care about honesty & integrity….

Three contractors were visiting a tourist attraction on the same day. One was from New York, another from Texas, and the third from Florida.

At the end of the tour, the guard asked them what they did for a living. When they all replied that they were contractors, the guard said, “Hey, we need one of the rear fences redone. Why don’t you guys take a look at it and give me a bid?” So, to the back fence they all went to check it out.

First to step up was the Florida contractor. He took out his tape measure and pencil, did some measuring and said, “Well I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.”

Next was the Texas contractor. He also took out his tape measure and pencil, did some quick figuring and said, “Looks like I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.”

Without so much as moving, the New York contractor said, “$2,700.” The guard, incredulous, looked at him and said, “You didn’t even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?”

“Easy,” he said. “$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you and we hire the guy from Texas.”

One Liner
Sign at animal shelter: Children left unattended will be given a puppy or a kitten.

Thought for the day
“Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep” Romans 12:15

When we see God being kind and gracious to others, we can respond with joy rather than resentment.

Shortly after the birth of their second child, a husband offered to take his wife shopping for a new dress.  He endured more than two hours of listening to her complaints about which figure flaw each dress accentuated.

As she emerged from the dressing room, having tried on the last selection, she asked for her husband’s opinion.  By this time he had learned just the right things to say.  “It’s perfect!” he exclaimed.  “It makes your waist look smaller, your legs look longer, and slenderizes your hips.”

Just then another lady in the dressing room spoke out.  “If there is a dress here that will do that, I’ll buy them all!”

One Liner
For every proverb that so confidently asserts its little bit of wisdom, there is usually an equal and opposite proverb that contradicts it.

Thought for the day
Some people brought to him a paralyzed man on a mat. Seeing their faith, Jesus said to the paralyzed man, ‘Be encouraged, my child! Your sins are forgiven’” Matthew 9:2

Faithful people share their faith. They wanted him to be healed, so they brought him to Jesus by lowering him on his mat through the roof.

One day, an employee received an unusually large paycheck. She decided not to say anything about it.

The following week, her check was for less that the normal amount, and she confronted her boss.

“How come,” the supervisor inquired, “you didn’t say anything when you were overpaid?”

Unperturbed, the employee replied, “Well, I can overlook one mistake ­ but not two in a row!”

One Liner
Is there an exception to the rule that states “There is an exception to every rule”?

Thought for the day
We are tempted when we are drawn away and trapped by our own evil desires. Then our evil desires conceive and give birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death” (James 1:14-15 GNT).

The truth is that we bring most of our problems on ourselves. We just need to accept responsibility and quit blaming others. Every time we blame somebody else, we’re not admitting what the real problem is.

The temporary Sunday School teacher was struggling to open a combination lock on the supply cabinet.

She had been told the combination, but couldn’t quite remember it. Finally she went to the pastor’s study and asked for help.

The pastor came into the room and began to turn the dial. After the first two numbers he paused and stared blankly for a moment. Finally he looked serenely heavenward and his lips moved silently.

Then he looked back at the lock, and quickly turned to the final number, and opened the lock.

The teacher was amazed. “I’m in awe at your faith, pastor,” she said.

“It’s really nothing,” he answered.

“The number is on a piece of tape on the ceiling.”

One Liner
It’s easy to identify people who can’t count to ten. They’re in front of you in the supermarket express lane.

Thought for the day
“Yet you made [humans] inferior only to yourself; you crowned them with glory and honor” Psalm 8:5

You were created by God, and God does not make junk.

We all know them. How to describe someone who’s…uh…you know…

– A few peas short of a casserole.
– Doesn’t have all his cornflakes in one box.
– Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming.
– Body by Fisher; brains by Mattel.
– Couldn’t pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
– Slinky’s kinked.
– Surfing in Nebraska.
– Too much yardage between the goal posts.
– Big like ox; smart like tractor.
– Room temperature IQ.
– One tire short of a Goodyear.
– Three dots short of an ink-blot test.
– Forgot to use the surge protector.
– The mental agility of a used soap dish.

One Liner
They say, “Wisdom comes with age,” but sometimes age comes alone.

Thought for the day
 “If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you”   John 15:7

That’s a beautiful promise. But in Scripture, every promise has a premise. God promises to give us what we ask for — if we have an honest relationship with him.

Working as a pediatric nurse, I had the difficult assignment of giving immunization shots to children. One day, I entered the examining room to give four-year-old Lizzie her injection.

“No, no, no!” she screamed.

Lizzie, scolded her mother, “Lizzie, that’s not polite behavior.”

With that, the girl yelled even louder, “No, thank you! No, thank you!”

One Liner
When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

Thought for the day
“And I will do whatever you ask in my name, so that the Father may be glorified in the Son. You may ask me for anything in my name, and I will do it” John 14:13-14

God wants to answer your prayers, but he also wants you to ask in Jesus’ name.

This guy wanted a boat more than anything. His wife kept refusing, but he bought one anyway.

“I’ll tell you what,” he told her. “In the spirit of compromise, why don’t you name the boat?”

Being a good sport, she accepted.

When her husband went to the dock for his maiden voyage, this is the name he saw painted on the side: “For Sale.”

One Liner
Creditors have better memories than debtors.

Thought for the day
“Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen” (Ephesians 4:29 NIV).

Radical gratitude means you’re going to walk through life being grateful in every situation, no matter what

One morning a call came in to the school office.

“Hello, please mark William absent today. He’s sick,” said the caller.

“Okay,” said the receptionist.  “May I ask who is speaking?”

“My uncle,” said William.

One Liner
Dain bramaged.

Thought for the day
“God gives rest to his loved ones” (Psalm 127:2b NLT).

Throughout the day, and when you sleep, your heavenly Father watches over you in love. Sleep is God’s gift, andto accept that gift is an act of trust. He restores your body and energy through sleep.

Earl and Bob, both obsessed with baseball, never missed their favorite team’s game. They promised whoever died first, and went to heaven, would come back to earth and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven.

One day, Earl died. Bob waited for him to come back. Finally Earl did.

He said to Bob, “I have good news and bad news. I’ll tell you the good news first. There IS baseball in heaven.”

Bob said, “That’s the best news!”

Then Earl said, “Time for the bad news…you’re pitching tomorrow night.”

One Liner
Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

Thought for the day
“You have heard about Jesus and have learned the truth that comes from him” (Ephesians 4:21 NLT).

The secret to personal change is not willpower. The secret is to know and face the truth. You must know and face the truth about yourself and your nature if you want to change.

A family from the hills of Kentucky was visiting the big city for the first time.

They stayed in a high-rise hotel with a big brass elevator right off of the lobby. The mother and daughter stared at it in amazement, wondering what it was. After staring at it in awe for a few minutes the girl looked up at her mom, “Ma, what do you reckon that there thing is?” she asked.

“I don’t rightly know, girl,” the mother replied.

Just then an old, frumpy man in a robe with messy hair walks up, steps in the elevator and the doors shut behind him. After about 30 seconds the doors opened again and a handsome, muscular young man in tight work-out clothes comes out.

The mother leans over to her daughter and says, “Girl, go and get your Pa!”

One Liner
How did a fool and his money GET together?

Thought for the day
“Find a quiet, secluded place so you won’t be tempted to role-play before God. Just be there as simply and honestly as you can manage. The focus will shift from you to God, and you will begin to sense his grace” (Matthew 6:6 The Message).

God isn’t going to speak to you if your life is filled with a bunch of noise. You’ve got to get alone, and you’ve got to get quiet. We call this a quiet time.