Hymns to sing when driving:

45 mph: God Will Take Care Of You
55 mph: Guide Me, O Thou Great Jehovah
65 mph: Nearer My God To Thee
75 mph: Nearer Still Nearer
85 mph: This World Is Not My Home
95 mph: Lord, I’m Coming Home
Over 100 mph: Precious Memories

One Liner
Grandchildren are God’s reward for not killing your kids.

Thought for the day
“When Esther’s servants told her what Mordecai was doing, she was deeply disturbed.” Esther 4:4 (TEV)

Make a list of the needs that disturb you and then do something about it.

NASA engineers build a cannon that launches dead chickens at the windshields of airplanes, military jets and such to test the strength of the windshields against collisions with airborne fowl.

British engineers are eager to test it on the windshields of their new high-speed trains. Arrangements are made, and a cannon is sent to the British engineers.

When the cannon goes off, the engineers stand shocked as the chicken crashes into the shatterproof shield, smashes it to smithereens, blasts through the control console, snaps the pilot’s backrest in two, and embeds itself in the back wall of the cabin.

The horrified Brits send the Americans a report of the disastrous results, along with an urgent request for suggests on improving the windshield design.

The American engineers respond with a one-line memo: “Thaw the chicken.”

One Liner
If it doesn’t matter who wins or loses, then why do they keep score?

Thought for the day
Come, let us bow down in worship, let us kneel before the LorD our Maker… (Psalm 95:6)

Anything you do that brings pleasure to God is an act of worship.

Somewhat skeptical of his son’s newfound determination to become the next famous bodybuilder, the father nevertheless followed the teenager over to the weight-lifting department.

“Please, Dad,” whined the boy, “I promise I’ll use them every day.”

“I don’t know, Michael. It’s really a big commitment on your part,” the father pointed out.

“Please, Dad?!”

“They’re not cheap either.”

“I’ll use them Dad, I promise. You’ll see.”

Finally won over, the father paid for the equipment and headed for the door.

From the corner of the store he heard his son yell, “What!? You mean I have to carry them to the car?!”

One Liner
A successful man is one who can lay a firm foundation with bricks others have thrown at him.

Thought for the day
“You will be witness to all men of what you have seen and heard.” Acts 22:15

Acts 22:1-21 Paul sharing his personal story or testimony.  Are you sharing yours with those you come in contact with?

THE TEN MOST COMMON FORMS OF OFFICE ILLNESS

1. The Macy’s-One-Day-Sale Flu.

2. The Drivers-License-Renewal-Appointment-24-Hour Virus.

3. The Friday-Afternoon-Start-The-Weekend-Early-Sudden-Unbearable Stomach Pains.

4. The I’m-Looking-For-A-New-Job-And-I-Don’t-Know-How-Long-It’s-Going-to-Take-but-I-Want-To-Stay-On-The-Payroll-Until-Then Mysterious Infection.

5. The My-Boyfriend’s-Got-The-Week-Off-So-Suddenly-I’m-Too-Contagious-To-Come-In-To-The-Office Disease.

6. The I-Need-A-Hair-Cut-And-My-Stylist-Doesn’t-Make-Evening-Appointments Bout of Influenza.

7. The There’s-No-Federal-Holidays-For-Two-Months-And-I-Want-A-Day-Off Sickness.

8. The It’s-Spring-Break-And-I-Want-To-Pretend-I’m-A-Teenager-Again General Ailment.

9. The I’ve-Messed-Up-Royally-And-I-Won’t-Come-In-To-Face-The-Music Terminal Illness.

10. The I-Really-Am-Sick-And-I’ve-Got-The-Doctor’s-Bills-And-The-Completed-Medical-Expense-Reimbursement-Forms-To-Prove-It Infirmity

One Liner

The Will of God will never take you to where the Grace of God will not cover you.

Thought for the day 

We loved you so much that we were delighted to share with you not only the gospel of God but our lives as well, because you had become so dear to us. 1 Thessalonians 2:8

He wants to work through you. What matters is not the duration of your life, but the donation of it. It doesn’t matter how long you live, but how you live.

Once you know that God loves you and wants a relationship with you, then God wants you to turn right around and begin telling other people about the Good News from God.

My 9 year old daughter asked me, “Mom, do you have a baby picture of yourself? I need it for a school project.” I gave her one without thinking to ask what the project was.

A few days later I was in her classroom for a parent-teacher meeting when I noticed my face pinned to a mural the students had created.

The title of their project was: “The oldest thing in my house.”

One Liner
Seen on a Taxidermist’s sign: “We really know our stuff.”

Thought for the day
“Whoever is faithful in small matters will be faithful in large ones; whoever is dishonest in small matters will be dishonest in large ones” Luke 16:10

A common saying today is that “what you do in your private life is nobody’s business.” Well, it actually is. What you do in your private life — behind closed doors or out of view of other people — builds and reveals your true character.

A teacher posed the following problem to her arithmetic class:

“A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars.  One-fifth is to go to his wife, one-fifth to his son, one-sixth to his butler, and the rest to charity.  Now, what does each get?”

The classroom fell silent for a moment, and then an earnest young voice piped up: “A lawyer!”

One Liner
My home town was so small that in order to paint traffic lines, the road had to be widened.

Thought for the day
Though they have been going through much trouble and hard times, they have mixed their wonderful joy with their deep poverty, and the result has been an overflow of giving to others” 2 Corinthians 8:2

Joy and generosity always go together.  An acid test of how much you trust God is the way you handle your money, because it shows what’s important to you.

Test Your IQ
Test your IQ with this situation:

There is a mute who wants to buy a toothbrush.

By imitating the action of brushing one’s teeth he successfully expresses
himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.

Now if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how
should he express himself?

Think and then scroll down for the answer.

.
.

He just has to open his mouth and ask, so simple.

If you got this wrong, well, let’s just say you failed the test….

One Liner
“Trouble is usually produced by those who do not produce anything else.” 

Thought for the day
“Use your worldly resources to benefit others and make friends. Then, when your possessions are gone, they will welcome you to an eternal home …. If you are untrustworthy about worldly wealth, who will trust you with the true riches of heaven? …. You cannot serve God and be enslaved to money” (Luke 16:9-14 NLT).

It’s easy to give your time, energy, or money when you have a lot to spare. But the true test of generosity comes7 when you don’t have a surplus. Do you still give what little you have to help somebody else? If you do, congratulations! You’ve passed God’s test of generosity.

Why does God test your generosity? Because you were made in his image, so if you’re going to become like Jesus, you need to learn how to be generous. If you don’t, you’ll never grow to maturity, and you will never have the blessing of God on your life.

A three-year-old found his dad’s military identification tag and asked his mother what it was.

His mother replied, “It’s your father’s dog tag.”

The child then asked, “When was daddy a dog?”

One LINER
“Bad habits are like a comfortable bed, easy to get into, but hard to get out of.” – Anonymous

Thought for the day
Acts 24:24-25 Several days later Felix came with his wife Drusilla, who was a Jewess. He sent for Paul and listened to him as he spoke about faith in Christ Jesus.  As Paul discoursed on righteousness, self‑control and the judgment to come, Felix was afraid and said, “That’s enough for now! You may leave. When I find it convenient, I will send for you.”

Paul spoke for Christ no matter where he was – here in prison he spoke for Christ before the Governor and his wife.  Knowing full well the Governor could release him – yet Paul still focused on sharing the gospel and not thinking of himself.  Who are we focused on today?

A Cajun was stopped by a game warden in Southern Louisiana recently with two ice chests of fish, leaving a bayou well known for its fishing.

The game warden asked the man, “Do you have a license to catch those fish?”

“Naw, ma fren, I ain’t got none of dem, no. Dese here are my pet fish.”

“Pet fish?”

“Ya. Avery night I take dese here fish down to de bayou and let dem swim ’round for a while. Den I whistle and dey jump rat back inta dis here ice chest and I take dem home.”

“That’s a bunch of hooey! Fish can’t do that!”

The Cajun looked at the game warden for a moment and then said, “It’s de truth ma’ fren. I’ll show you. It really works.”

“Okay, I’ve GOT to see this!”

The Cajun poured the fish into the bayou and stood and waited.

After several minutes, the game warden turned to him and said, “Well?”

“Well, what?” Said the Cajun.

“When are you going to call them back?”

“Call who back?”

“The FISH!”

“What fish?”

One LINER
“I don’t make jokes, “Will Rogers once said truthfully. “I just watch the government and report the facts.”

Thought for the day
“This will continue until we are . . . mature, just as Christ is, and we will be completely like him” (Ephesians 4:13 CEV).

Spiritual maturity is neither instant nor automatic; it is a gradual, progressive development that will take the rest of your life as God helps you make healing choices.

Someone Must Labor

During a stay with grandparents, my five-year-old niece Michaela pulled corn on a neighbor’s farm for the first time. Her grandparents used the experience as a teaching tool, explaining to Michaela that the corn was God’s blessing to them.

At first, the work was great fun, but after only a few minutes Michaela looked at her grandmother and commented, “You know you can buy this in the grocery store, don’t you?”

One LINER
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Thought for the day
“It is God himself who has made us what we are and given us new lives from Christ Jesus; and long ages ago he planned that we should spend these lives in helping others” (Ephesians 2:10 LB).

God calls you to a service far beyond anything you could ever imagine. You were put on earth to make a contribution.