There was once an aspiring veterinarian who put himself through veterinary school working nights as a taxidermist.

Upon graduation, he decided he could combine his two vocations to better serve the needs of his patients and their owners, while doubling his practice and, therefore, his income.

He opened his own offices with a sign on the door saying, “Dr. Jones, Veterinary Medicine and Taxidermy — Either way, you get your dog back!”

One LINER
Don’t insult the alligator until after you cross the river.

Thought for the day
“Work hard at living in peace with others” (1 Peter 3:11 NLT).

It’s unrealistic to expect everyone to agree about everything. Reconciliation focuses on the relationship, while resolution focuses on the problem. When we focus on reconciliation, the problem loses significance and often becomes irrelevant.

Throughout the centuries, mothers have been giving their children plenty of good advice and notable quotes. Here’s just a small sampling:  (part 2)

MARY, MARY, QUITE CONTRARY’S MOTHER: “I don’t mind you having a garden, Mary, but does it have to be growing under your bed?”

HUMPTY DUMPTY’S MOTHER: “Humpty, If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a hundred times not to sit on that wall. But would you listen to me? Noooo!”

BARNEY’S MOTHER: “I realize strained plums are your favorite, Barney, but you’re starting to look a little purple.”

BATMAN’S MOTHER: “It’s a nice car, Bruce, but do you realize how much the insurance is going to be?”

GOLDILOCKS’ MOTHER: “I’ve got a bill here for a busted chair from the Bear family. You know anything about this, Goldie?”

LITTLE MISS MUFFET’S MOTHER: “Well, all I’ve got to say is if you don’t get off your tuffet and start cleaning your room, there’ll be a lot more spiders around here!”

JONAH’S MOTHER: “That’s a nice story, but now tell me where you’ve really been for the last three days.”

SUPERMAN’S MOTHER: “Clark, your father and I have discussed it, and we’ve decided you can have your own telephone line. Now will you quit spending so much time in all those phone booths?”

MONA LISA’S MOTHER: “After all that money your father and I spent on braces, that’s the biggest smile you can give us?”

One Liner
“Pumpkin Math”

Q: What do you get if you divide the circumference of your pumpkin by it’s diameter?

A: Pumpkin Pi

Thought for the day
“Now you belong to him . . . in order that you might be useful in the service of God” (Romans 7:4 TEV).

Your call to salvation included your call to service. They are the same. Regardless of your job or career, you are called to full-time Christian service. A “non-serving Christian” is a contradiction in terms.

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time. (Her previous 3 husbands had passes away.) The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband’s occupation. “He’s a funeral director,” she answered.

“Interesting,” the newsman thought.

He then asked her if she wouldn’t mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years.

After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her early 20’s, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40’s, and a preacher when in her 60’s, and now in her 80’s, a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.

She smiled and explained, “I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.”

One Liner
Every golf shot makes somebody happy.

Thought for the day
“This will continue until we are . . . mature, just as Christ is, and we will be completely like him” (Ephesians 4:13 CEV).

Spiritual maturity is neither instant nor automatic; it is a gradual, progressive development that will take the rest of your life as God helps you make healing choices.

I went to the doctor for my yearly physical. The nurse starts with the basics. “How much do you weigh?” she asks.

“115,” I say.

The nurse puts me on the scale. It turns out my weight is 140.

The nurse asks, “Your height?”

“5 foot 8,” I say.

The nurse checks and sees that I only measure 5’5″.

She then takes my blood pressure and tells me it is very high.

“OF COURSE IT’S HIGH!” I scream, “When I came in here I was tall and slender! Now I’m short and fat!”

One Liner 
A cabbie is a fare-minded person.

Thought for the day
Surely your goodness and unfailing love will pursue me all the days of my life, and I will live in the house of the Lord forever. Psalm 23:6 (NLT)

The fact is bad things happen to good people. What David is teaching us is that God can take bad, evil, and difficult situations and bring something good out of them.

FOR WOMEN ONLY
~ Reason to smile: Every 7 minutes of every day, someone in an aerobic class pulls a hamstring.

~ Women over 50 don’t have babies, because they would put them down and forget where they left them.

~ One of life’s mysteries is how a 2 lb. box of candy can make a woman gain 5 lbs.

~ The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.

~ Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes!

~ I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.

~ If men can run the world, why can’t they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?

One Liner
He who lives in a glass house should not invite in he who is without sin.

Thought for the day
Romans 12:1 says, “Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God — this is your true and proper worship”

The problem with a living sacrifice is that it can choose to crawl off the altar. We do this all the time. We offer ourselves to God, and then we take ourselves back. This is not a once-for-all offer. You’ve got to do it four, five, or maybe 10 times a day!

One day a group of scientists got together and decided that man had come a long way and no longer needed God. So they picked one scientist to go and tell Him that they were done with Him.

The scientist walked up to God and said, “God, we’ve decided that we no longer need you. We’re to the point that we can clone people and do many miraculous things, so why don’t you just go on and get lost.”

God listened very patiently and kindly to the man. After the scientist was done talking, God said, “Very well, how about this? Let’s say we have a man-making contest.”

To which the scientist replied, “Okay, great!”

But God added, “Now, we’re going to do this just like I did back in the old days with Adam.”

The scientist said, “Sure, no problem” and bent down and grabbed himself a handful of dirt.

God looked at him and said, “No, no, no. You go get your own dirt!”

One LINER
Google co-founder Sergey Brin has created a program for the soon-to-be-released Google phone that measures how long it takes the phone to land when tossed in the air. According to a recent Associated Press article, Brin admits that the new program has “dubious” usefulness. The phone will retail at $179.”

Thought for the day
“We understand what love is when we realize that Christ gave his life for us. That means we must give our lives for other believers.” (1 John 3:16 GW)

When you become a servant you always give up something you could have kept for yourself – time, money, energy. But the greatest cost of all is yourself

Little Susie: “I don’t want to eat this squash.”

Mommy: “But it’s good for you, darling.”

Little Susie: “But I don’t LIKE it!”

Mommy: “You like pretending. Why don’t you pretend it’s ice cream?”

Little Susie: “Why can’t I just pretend it’s gone?”

One Liner
I AM in shape. Round is a shape.

Thought for the day
“Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.” Ephesians 4:29 (NIV)

Use your words to build people up.  Think first of all, “What do they need?” How can I use a word of encouragement to build them up? How can I use a word of challenge to make a difference in someone’s life? How can I use my words to build up the people I love the most?

WHAT IS A CAT?

(According to a man)

Cats do what they want.

They rarely listen to you.

They are totally unpredictable.

When you want to play, they want to be alone.

When you want to be alone, they want to play.

They expect you to cater to their every whim.

They are moody.

They leave hair everywhere.

They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg.

CONCLUSION: They are tiny women in fur coats.

———

WHAT IS A DOG?

(According to a woman)

Dogs lie around all day, sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house.

They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but they don’t hear you when you are in the same room.

They growl when they are not happy.

When you want to play, they want to play.

When you want to be alone, they want to play.

They are great at begging.

They will love you forever if you rub their tummies.

They leave their toys everywhere.

They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss.

CONCLUSION: They are little men in fur coats

One LINER
Even worse than raining cats and dogs is hailing taxicabs.

Thought for the day 
A man who refuses to admit his mistakes can never be successful. But if he confesses and forsakes them, he gets another chance. Proverbs 28:13 (LB)

Be quick to accept responsibility for your own failure. If you’ve made a mistake, admit it.

I was meeting a friend in a restaurant and as I went in, I noticed two pretty girls looking at me.

“Nine,” I heard one whisper as I passed.

Feeling pleased with myself, I swaggered over to my buddy and told him a girl had just rated me a nine out of ten.

“I don’t want to ruin it for you,” he said, “but when I walked in, they were speaking German.”

One LINER
My mouth doesn’t seem to have a backspace key.

Thought for the day
Be still, and know that I am God! I will be honored by every nation. I will be honored throughout the world.” Psalm 46:10 (NLT)

Take a deep breath and try to forget anyone or anything that’s around you and just focus in on God for a minute

Noah’s Last Name

During a weekend visit with my sister, I read to her granddaughter Adrienna from her children’s Bible story book. After our story time, I quizzed Adrienna on what we read.

“Who was the man with the big boat?”

“Noah,” she piped right up.

Then—I don’t know why—I asked, “What was his last name?”

“Zark!” she replied with authority.

One LINER
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

Thought for the day  
My dear brothers and sisters, be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry. James 1:19 (NLT)
Three rules for confrontation found in James 1:19.

1.     Be quick to listen,

2.     Be slow to speak, and

3.     Be slow to become angry.

If you’re quick to listen and if you’re slow to speak, you’ll automatically be slow to anger.