FOR WOMEN ONLY
~ Reason to smile: Every 7 minutes of every day, someone in an aerobic class pulls a hamstring.

~ Women over 50 don’t have babies, because they would put them down and forget where they left them.

~ One of life’s mysteries is how a 2 lb. box of candy can make a woman gain 5 lbs.

~ The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.

~ Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes!

~ I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.

~ If men can run the world, why can’t they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?

One Liner
He who lives in a glass house should not invite in he who is without sin.

Thought for the day
Romans 12:1 says, “Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God — this is your true and proper worship”

The problem with a living sacrifice is that it can choose to crawl off the altar. We do this all the time. We offer ourselves to God, and then we take ourselves back. This is not a once-for-all offer. You’ve got to do it four, five, or maybe 10 times a day!

One day a group of scientists got together and decided that man had come a long way and no longer needed God. So they picked one scientist to go and tell Him that they were done with Him.

The scientist walked up to God and said, “God, we’ve decided that we no longer need you. We’re to the point that we can clone people and do many miraculous things, so why don’t you just go on and get lost.”

God listened very patiently and kindly to the man. After the scientist was done talking, God said, “Very well, how about this? Let’s say we have a man-making contest.”

To which the scientist replied, “Okay, great!”

But God added, “Now, we’re going to do this just like I did back in the old days with Adam.”

The scientist said, “Sure, no problem” and bent down and grabbed himself a handful of dirt.

God looked at him and said, “No, no, no. You go get your own dirt!”

One LINER
Google co-founder Sergey Brin has created a program for the soon-to-be-released Google phone that measures how long it takes the phone to land when tossed in the air. According to a recent Associated Press article, Brin admits that the new program has “dubious” usefulness. The phone will retail at $179.”

Thought for the day
“We understand what love is when we realize that Christ gave his life for us. That means we must give our lives for other believers.” (1 John 3:16 GW)

When you become a servant you always give up something you could have kept for yourself – time, money, energy. But the greatest cost of all is yourself

Little Susie: “I don’t want to eat this squash.”

Mommy: “But it’s good for you, darling.”

Little Susie: “But I don’t LIKE it!”

Mommy: “You like pretending. Why don’t you pretend it’s ice cream?”

Little Susie: “Why can’t I just pretend it’s gone?”

One Liner
I AM in shape. Round is a shape.

Thought for the day
“Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.” Ephesians 4:29 (NIV)

Use your words to build people up.  Think first of all, “What do they need?” How can I use a word of encouragement to build them up? How can I use a word of challenge to make a difference in someone’s life? How can I use my words to build up the people I love the most?

WHAT IS A CAT?

(According to a man)

Cats do what they want.

They rarely listen to you.

They are totally unpredictable.

When you want to play, they want to be alone.

When you want to be alone, they want to play.

They expect you to cater to their every whim.

They are moody.

They leave hair everywhere.

They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg.

CONCLUSION: They are tiny women in fur coats.

———

WHAT IS A DOG?

(According to a woman)

Dogs lie around all day, sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house.

They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but they don’t hear you when you are in the same room.

They growl when they are not happy.

When you want to play, they want to play.

When you want to be alone, they want to play.

They are great at begging.

They will love you forever if you rub their tummies.

They leave their toys everywhere.

They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss.

CONCLUSION: They are little men in fur coats

One LINER
Even worse than raining cats and dogs is hailing taxicabs.

Thought for the day 
A man who refuses to admit his mistakes can never be successful. But if he confesses and forsakes them, he gets another chance. Proverbs 28:13 (LB)

Be quick to accept responsibility for your own failure. If you’ve made a mistake, admit it.

I was meeting a friend in a restaurant and as I went in, I noticed two pretty girls looking at me.

“Nine,” I heard one whisper as I passed.

Feeling pleased with myself, I swaggered over to my buddy and told him a girl had just rated me a nine out of ten.

“I don’t want to ruin it for you,” he said, “but when I walked in, they were speaking German.”

One LINER
My mouth doesn’t seem to have a backspace key.

Thought for the day
Be still, and know that I am God! I will be honored by every nation. I will be honored throughout the world.” Psalm 46:10 (NLT)

Take a deep breath and try to forget anyone or anything that’s around you and just focus in on God for a minute

Noah’s Last Name

During a weekend visit with my sister, I read to her granddaughter Adrienna from her children’s Bible story book. After our story time, I quizzed Adrienna on what we read.

“Who was the man with the big boat?”

“Noah,” she piped right up.

Then—I don’t know why—I asked, “What was his last name?”

“Zark!” she replied with authority.

One LINER
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

Thought for the day  
My dear brothers and sisters, be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry. James 1:19 (NLT)
Three rules for confrontation found in James 1:19.

1.     Be quick to listen,

2.     Be slow to speak, and

3.     Be slow to become angry.

If you’re quick to listen and if you’re slow to speak, you’ll automatically be slow to anger.

“What’s the usual tip?” a man growled when a college boy delivered his pizza.

“Well,” the student replied, “this is my first delivery, but the other guys said that if I got a quarter out of you, I’d be doing great.”

“That so?” grunted the man. “In that case, here’s five dollars.”

“Thanks,” the student said, “I’ll put it in my college fund.”

“By the way, what are you studying?”

“Applied psychology.”

One Liner
I know there’s no way to do that – but if there WERE a way, what would it be?

Thought for the day
Whoever wants to be great must become a servant. Mark 10:43 (MSG)

Jesus measured greatness in terms of service, not status. God determines your greatness by how many people you serve, not how many people serve you.

A little girl was fascinated when her grandfather took out his false teeth and began brushing them. She asked him to remove his teeth again. She stood there amazed, then demanded, ‘Now, take off your nose.’

One Liner
“Habit, if not resisted, soon becomes necessity.” – St. Augustine

Thought for the day
“Your attitude must be like my own, for I, the Messiah, did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give my life” (Matthew 20:28 LB

For Christians, service is not something to be tacked onto our schedules if we can spare the time. It is the heart of the Christian life. Jesus came “to serve” and “to give”—and those two verbs should define your life on earth, too. 

On their 50th wedding anniversary, a couple summed up the reason for their long and happy marriage.

The husband said, “I have tried never to be selfish. After all, there is no ‘I’ in the word ‘marriage.'”

The wife said, “For my part, I have never corrected my husband’s spelling.”

One LINER  
Always try to be modest. And be VERY proud of it.

Thought for the day  
Romans 8:35-37
Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or sword? No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.

Conquerors! We win!!  No matter how the battle is going for you right now, remember that in the end, we win!

I’M A SENIOR CITIZEN & proud of it – I’m the life of the party…even when it lasts until 8 p.m.

I’m very good at opening childproof caps with a hammer.

I’m usually interested in going home before I get to where I am going.

I’m the first one to find the bathroom wherever I go.

I’m awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.

I’m smiling all the time because I can’t hear a word you’re saying.

I’m very good at telling stories…over and over and over and over.

I’m aware that other people’s grandchildren are not as bright as mine.

I’m not grouchy, I just don’t like traffic, waiting, crowds, children, politicians…

I’m sure everything I can’t find is in a secure place.

I’m wrinkled, saggy, lumpy, and that’s just my left leg.

I’m having trouble remembering simple words like…uhhhh…ummmm

I’m realizing that aging is not for sissies.

If you are what you eat, I’m Shredded Wheat and All Bran.

I’m sure they are making adults much younger these days.

I’m wondering, if you’re only as old as you feel, how could I be alive at 150?

I’m supporting all movements now…by eating bran, prunes, and raisins.

I’m a walking storeroom of facts…I’ve just lost the storeroom.

I’m a SENIOR CITIZEN…and I think I am having the time of my life!!

Now if I could only remember who sent this to me, I would send it to others! You didn’t send it, did you?

One Liner
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

Thought for the day
“Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows.” (Galatians 6:7 NIV)

Forgiveness is not a contract with God, as in, “You forgive me and I get my old life back.” Forgiveness is God’s choice; it emerges from his infinite love. He paid a bloody, costly price to forgive you, even as you were still steeped in sin.

God will forgive you, but that doesn’t mean he’ll remove the consequences of your sin.