The doctor finished his examination and asked the patient to step into his office.

“Sit down, Mr. Kaysen. After looking at these test results, I recommend that you have an operation immediately.”

The man thought for a moment, “How will this affect my hobby, Doctor?”
“What’s your hobby?”
“Saving money!”

One LINER
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn’t find any.

Thought for the day
“If you forgive others the wrongs they have done to you, your Father in heaven will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others, then your Father will not forgive the wrongs you have done” (Matthew 6:14-15 TEV).

The Bible says forgive and be forgiven. In fact, Jesus says, “If you do not forgive others, then your Father will not forgive the wrongs you have done” (Matthew 6:15 TEV). They’re inter-related. It reminds me of the story where someone told John Wesley, the founder of Methodism, “I just can’t forgive that person! They hurt me too badly.” Wesley’s response was, “Then I hope you never sin.”

They say that a preacher’s wife is always his number one assistant.

An example of this comes one Sunday morning after the preacher had just finished his sermon.  He went and sat down with his wife and she asked him how he thought the church service went.

The Preacher shrugged and said, “The worship was excellent, and I think the prayer and communion times went quite well, but,” he continued, “I just don’t think the sermon ever got off the ground.”

The wife looked over at him, and before she could stop herself, she said, “Well, it sure did taxi long enough!”

One LINER
Has your city’s crime gotten so bad that citizens figure muggings into their budgets.

Thoughts for the day
“This means tremendous joy to you, I know, even though you are temporarily harassed by all kinds of trials and temptations. This is no accident—it happens to prove your faith, which is infinitely more valuable than gold” (1 Peter 1:6-7 PH).

As God delays, you’ll face two types of difficulties: circumstances and critics. This is a natural part of life. God designed it this way because He knows we grow stronger when facing adversity and opposition.

God does this because He is building our faith and character. When we finally come to a place where the difficulties become so bad, where we’ve reached our limit, where we’ve tried everything and exhausted all our options, it is then that God begins a mighty work through us.

My wife doesn’t complain often, but once she was having an old-fashioned “heart-to-heart” with me and said, “Hon, you never listen to me. Every time I try to talk to you, you get this far-away look in your eyes after only a few seconds. Please promise me you’ll try to work on that.”

The last thing I remember was replying, “I’m sorry, what was that you were saying?”

One LINER
When people complain that they don’t get what they deserve, they don’t know how fortunate they are.

Thought for the day
“But if we live in the light, as God is in the light, we can share fellowship with each other. Then the blood of Jesus, God’s Son, cleanses us from every sin. If we say we have no sin, we are fooling ourselves, and the truth is not in us” (1 John 1:7-8 NCV).

The world thinks intimacy occurs in the dark, but God says it happens in the light. We tend to use darkness to hide our hurts, faults, fears, failures, and flaws. But in the light, we bring them all out into the open and admit who we really are.

A fellow slid his car off a road and ended up in a ditch. A farmhouse was nearby so the motorist asked the owner if he had a tractor he could borrow to get his truck back on the road.

“Nope, but I got my mule, Blue,” said the farmer.
“I doubt a mule is strong enough to pull my truck out.”
“You don’t know Blue,” said the mule’s proud owner.

So Blue was hitched to the truck. “Pull, Blue!” The truck didn’t move. And the farmer then called out, “Pull, Elmer!” The truck moved a little. Then the farmer yelled, “Pull, Biscuit,” and the truck was free.

“Thank you so much,” said the truck owner. “But I have a question. You called your mule by three different names. How is that?”

“Simple,” said the farmer. “Blue is blind. And if he thought he was the only one pulling, your truck would still be in the ditch!”

One LINER
One nice thing about living in a small town is that when I don’t know what I’m doing, someone else does

Thought for the day
“It’s in Christ that we find out who we are and what we are living for. Long before we first heard of Christ and got our hopes up, He had His eye on us, had designs on us for glorious living, part of the overall purpose He is working out in everything and everyone” (Ephesians 1:11-12 MSG).

All of life is important to God, and you can’t separate your Christianity from your work, just as you can’t separate your Christianity from your life.

Unexpected cold snaps had destroyed the buds on my father’s young peach tree for two years in a row. This spring Dad was ready. He replanted the sapling in a large box, mounted it on wheels, and put the tree in the garage whenever the temperature dropped.

One warm April day Dad was wheeling the tree out into the yard, and stopped to give our dog a drink from the garden hose.

A neighbor watched the scene with amusement.

“Frank,” he finally commented, “you’re the only man I know who walks his tree and waters his dog!”

One LINER
“A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.”

Thought for the day
“Forgive us the wrongs we have done, as we forgive the wrongs that others have done to us” (Matthew 6:12 TEV).

There is no reason in the world you have to live with guilt. God has given us a way to get rid of guilt. It’s called confession. God promises that when we confess, He forgives us instantly, totally, completely, freely, and continuously

At breakfast one day, a young wife eagerly waited for her husband to comment on her first attempt at homemade cinnamon rolls.

After several minutes with no reaction, she asked, “If I baked these commercially, how much do you think I could get for one of them?”

Without looking up from his paper her husband replied, “About 10 years.”

One LINER
Don’t insult the alligator till after you cross the river.

Thought for the day 
There are three things that will endure – faith, hope, and love – and the greatest of these is love. 1 Corinthians 13:13 (NLT)

The most important lesson God wants us to learn on earth is how to love.  They will know we are His disciples IF we live one another!

One day my mother was out and my dad was looking after me.

I was maybe 2 1/2 years old and had just recovered from a bad cold. Someone had given me a little tea set as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys.

Dad was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of “tea,” which was just water.  After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such good tea, my mom came home.

Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea. (“It’s just the cutest thing!”) My mom waited and sure enough, I came down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy. She watched him drink it, then said (as only a mother would)…”Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is from the toilet?”

One LINER
Don’t learn safety rules simply by accident.

Thought for the day
If you become angry, do not let your anger lead you into sin, and do not stay angry all day. Don’t give the Devil a chance. Ephesians 4:26-27 (GNT)

When conflict comes up, (and it will!!) deal with it head on and quickly. Don’t let it fester. It’s a big mistake to think, “Let’s ignore it and hope it will go away.

DEFINITION OF OUTDOOR BARBECUING

When a man volunteers to do barbecue cooking, the following chain of events is put into motion:

1) The woman goes to the store.

2) The woman fixes the salad, vegetables, and dessert.

3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils, and takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill.

4) The man places the meat on the grill.

5) The woman goes inside to set the table and check the vegetables.

6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning.

7) The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.

8) The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.

9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

10) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed “her night off.” And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there’s just no pleasing some women.

One LINER
Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?

Thought for the day
“I hope you will be patient with me ….” (2 Corinthians 11:1a, NLT)

God is very patient and His mercy endures for ever!

At breakfast one day, a young wife eagerly waited for her husband to comment on her first attempt at homemade cinnamon rolls.

After several minutes with no reaction, she asked, “If I baked these commercially, how much do you think I could get for one of them?”

Without looking up from his paper her husband replied, “About 10 years.”

One LINER
Don’t insult the alligator till after you cross the river.

Thought for the day 
There are three things that will endure – faith, hope, and love – and the greatest of these is love. 1 Corinthians 13:13 (NLT)

The most important lesson God wants us to learn on earth is how to love.  They will know we are His disciples IF we live one another!

THE BEST WAY TO PRAY

A priest, a minister and a guru sat discussing the best positions for prayer, while a telephone repairman worked nearby.

“Kneeling is definitely the best way to pray,” the priest said.

“No,” said the minister.  “I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven.”

“You’re both wrong,” the guru said.  “The most effective prayer position is lying down on the floor.”

The repairman could contain himself no longer: “Hey, fellas,” he interrupted. “The best prayin’ I ever did was when I was hangin’ upside down from a telephone pole.”

One LINER
Women who behave rarely make history.

Thought for the day 
So be careful how you live, not as fools but as those who are wise. Make the most of every opportunity for doing good in these evil days. Don’t act thoughtlessly, but try to understand what the Lord wants you to do. Ephesians 5:15-17 (NLT)

We all have the same amount of time – 168 hours a week. The only question is, “How am I investing it?”