A child comes home from his first day at school.

His mother asks, “Well, what did you learn today?”

The kid replies, “Not enough. They want me to come back tomorrow.”

One Liner
If God had intended us to fly, he would have made it easier to get to the airport.

Thought for the day
“Don’t look out only for your own interests, but take an interest in others, too. You must have the same attitude that Christ Jesus had” Philippians 2:4-5

That means you’re most like Jesus when you’re focusing on the hurts of somebody else rather than your own hurts.

A friend bumped into his pirate buddy on the street, “Hey, I haven’t seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible.”

“What do you mean?” said the pirate, “I feel fine.”

“What about the wooden leg? You didn’t have that before.”

“Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannonball, but I’m fine now.”

“Well, okay, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?”

“We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off, I got fitted with a hook. I’m fine, really.”

“What about that eye patch?”

“Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over, I looked up and one of them pooped in my eye.”

“You’re kidding,” said the friend, “You couldn’t lose an eye just from that!”

“It was my first day with the hook.”

One Liner
Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself.

Thought for the day
1 Peter 1:2a, “Dear friends, God the Father chose you long ago and knew you would become his children”

God didn’t choose you because of something you’ve done. It’s all because of who he is. It doesn’t matter how good you are, or how smart you are, or how spiritual you are. God saved you because he loves you.

A husband and wife, both getting on in years, are in bed one morning.

He takes her hand, and she says, “Don’t touch me.”

He says, “Why not?”

She answers, ” Because I’m dead.”

Husband says, “What are you talking about? We’re lying here talking to one another.”

The wife says, “No, I’m definitely dead.”

Her husband insists, “You’re not dead. What makes you think you’re dead?”

His wife answers, “I know I’m dead because I woke up this morning, and nothing hurts.”

One Liner
Saw someone at the gym put a water bottle where the Pringles go on the treadmill.

Thought for the day
Romans 9:20, “My friend, I ask, ‘Who do you think you are to question God? Does the clay have the right to ask the potter why he shaped it the way he did?’” (CEV).

Whenever we doubt God’s love and wisdom, we always get into trouble. The root behind these problems is that you don’t trust God.

You know you are a bad cook when …..
– You consider it a culinary success if the pop-tart stays in one piece.

– Your dog goes to the neighbors’ to eat.

– Your family buys Alka Seltzer and Kaopectate in bulk.

– When you barbecue, two of your kids hold water guns and the third stands ready by the phone with 911 on speed-dial.

– Your family automatically heads for the dinner table every time they hear a fire truck siren.

– The EPA insists that all your garbage cans be marked with bright red bio-hazard symbols.

– Your microwave display reads “TILT!”

– Your two best recipes are meatloaf and apple pie, but your dinner guests can’t tell which is which.

– Your pie filling bubbles over and eats the enamel off the bottom of the oven.

One Liner
What doesn’t kill you gives you a lot of unhealthy coping mechanisms and a really dark sense of humor.

Thought for the day
2 Timothy 1:7, “God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline.”

That means if you let God’s Spirit fill your life, you’re going to be filled with power, love, and self-discipline. And God’s love overcomes fear.

If you’ll make the toast and pour the juice, sweetheart,” said Tracy the newlywed bride, “breakfast will be ready.”

“Good, what are we having for breakfast,” said Dewey, the new husband.

“Toast and juice,” Tracy replied

One Liner
When things are at their blackest, I say to myself, ‘Cheer up, things could get worse.’ And sure enough…

Thought for the day
Romans 12:19 says, “Don’t try to get even. Let God take revenge”

Leave it up to God. He’ll take care of it, and he’ll do a much better job than you ever could.

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor’s office.

“Is it true,” she wanted to know, “that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?”

“Yes, I’m afraid so,” the doctor told her.

There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, “I’m wondering, then, just how serious is my condition, because this prescription is marked 鮮O REFILLS.'”

One Liner
What cheese is made backwards? Edam

Thought for the day
Psalm 37:7 says, “Be still in the presence of the Lord, and wait patiently for him to act”

God wants you to wait patiently for him to answer your prayer.

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, “Everyone who thinks you’re stupid, stand up!”

After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.

The teacher said, “Do you think you’re stupid, Little Johnny?”

“No, ma’am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!”

One Liner
A pessimist is a person who looks both way before crossing a one-way street.

Thought for the day
“Whoever looks intently into the perfect law . . . and continues in it — not forgetting what they have heard, but doing it — they will be blessed in what they do” James 1:25

Read your Bible: “Whoever looks intently . . .”
Review the Bible: “. . . continues in it . . .”
Remember the Bible: “. . . not forgetting what they have heard . . .”
Respond to the Bible: “. . . but doing it . . .”

You don’t want to be a spiritual baby anymore. It’s time to grow up and live the blessed life you’re meant to live. Hiding God’s Word in your heart is an important way to start.

put some turnips, his least-favorite vegetable, on my eleven-year-old son’s dinner plate and instructed him to eat everything. He cleaned his plate, except for the turnip.

I pointed out to him that if he’d eaten it earlier, he wouldn’t have been left with its taste in his mouth at the end of the meal.

Thoughtfully, he replied, “I guess I was just trying to delay the inedible.”

One Liner
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.

Thought for the day
“Job stood up, tore his robe in grief, and shaved his head. Then he fell to the ground and worshiped” (Job 1:20 GW).

Job expressed his pain to God. When you have a major loss in your life, the first thing you need to do is tell God exactly how you feel.

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.

“But officer.” the man began, “I can explain!”

“Just be quiet,” snapped the officer. “I’m going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back…”

“But officer, I just wanted to say….”

“And I said to keep quiet! You’re going to jail!”

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, “Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter’s wedding. He’ll be in a good mood when he gets back.”

“Don’t count on it,” answered the fellow in the cell. “I’m the groom.”

One Liner
Misers aren’t much fun to live with, but they make great ancestors.

Thought for the day
“It is not good for the man to be alone” (Genesis 2:18b NIV).

What you often call loneliness is really homesickness for God. You’ve just never recognized it. You were made to have a personal, intimate relationship with Jesus Christ, a relationship that God is dying to have with you.

A golfer, playing a round by himself, is about to tee off, and a salesman runs up to him, and yells, “Wait! Before you tee off, I have something really amazing to show you!”

The golfer, annoyed, says, “What is it?”

“It’s a special golf ball,” says the salesman. “You can never lose it!”

“Whattaya mean,” scoffs the golfer, “you can never lose it? What if you hit it into the water?”

“No problem,” says the salesman. “It floats, and it detects where the shore is, and spins towards it.”

“Well, what if you hit it into the woods?”

“Easy,” says the salesman. “It emits a beeping sound, and you can find it with your eyes closed.”

“Okay,” says the golfer, impressed. “But what if your round goes late and it gets dark?”

“No problem, sir, this golf ball glows in the dark! I’m telling you, you can never lose this golf ball!”

The golfer buys it at once. “Just one question,” he says to the salesman. “Where did you get it?”

“I found it.”

One Liner
“A woman’s work is never done. So why bother?”

Thought for the day
“You were chosen to tell about the excellent qualities of God, who called you.” (1 Peter 2:9 GWT)

You are called to serve God. Growing up, you may have thought that being called by God was something only missionaries, pastors, nuns, and other full-time church workers experienced, but the Bible says every Christians is called to service.