Two robins were sitting in a tree.

“I’m really hungry,” said the first one. “Let’s fly down and find some lunch.”

They flew down to the ground and found a nice plot of newly plowed ground that was full of worms. They ate and ate and ate till they could eat no more.

“I’m so full, I don’t think I can fly back up into the tree,” said the first one.

“Let’s just lay back here and bask in the warm sun,” said the second.

“OK,” said the first.

So they plopped down, basking in the sun. No sooner than they had fallen asleep, when a big fat tomcat came up and gobbled them right up.

As the cat sat washing his face after his meal, he thought…

“BOY, I JUST *LOVE* BASKIN ROBINS…”

One Liner
Don’t insult the alligator until after you cross the river.

Thought for the day
Now you belong to him . . . in order that you might be useful in the service of God. Romans 7:4 (TEV)

Your call to salvation included your call to service. They are the same. Regardless of your job or career, you are called to full-time Christian service. A “non-serving Christian” is a contradiction in terms.

A Sunday school teacher asked her class if anyone could quote the entire 23rd Psalm.

A golden-haired, four-and-a-half-year-old girl was among those who raised their hands. A bit skeptical, the teacher asked if she could really quote the entire psalm. The little girl came to the front of the room, faced the class, made a perky little bow, and said, “The Lord is my shepherd, that’s all I want.”

She bowed again and went and sat down.

That may well be the greatest interpretation of the 23rd Psalm ever heard.

One Liner
All I want is a warm bed, a kind word, and unlimited power.

Thought for the day
It is he who saved us and chose us for his holy work not because we deserved it but because that was his plan. 2 Timothy 1:9 (LB)

You were saved to serve God.  God redeemed you so you could do his “holy work.” You’re not saved by service, but you are saved for service. In God’s kingdom, you have a place, a purpose, a role, and a function to fulfill. This gives your life great significance and value.

A pirate walks off his ship. He has a wooden leg, a hook instead of a hand, and a patch over his right eye. He sits down on a bench, and begins throwing peanuts to the seagulls.

Two curious young children shyly sit down next to him and ask the pirate how he came to have a wooden leg.

The pirate replies, “Well, I was standing on the deck of me ship one day, and a wave washed me overboard. Then a shark came along and bit me leg off!”

The little boy then asked, “How did you lose your hand?”

“Many years ago, I was fighting the Navy, and one of them scalawags cuts me hand off. Their doc couldn’t find a hand, so they puts this hook on,” answered the pirate.

Next, the little girl asked, “How did you lose your eye?”

“Well,” says the pirate, “I was standing watch up in the crow’s nest, and just as I looked up, a lousy seagull flew over and did his business right in me eye!”

The children, thoroughly confused, exclaim “How did THAT cause you to lose your eye?”

The pirate replies, “Well, it was me first day with the hook.”

One Liner
“Here’s a joke for all you mind readers out there…”

Thought for the day
“You will keep your friends if you forgive them, but you will lose your friends if you keep talking about what they did wrong” Proverbs 17:9

What is gossip? One definition of gossip is “sharing information with somebody who is not part of the problem or part of the solution.” The person might not have had anything to do with it, but you bring them into it so you can feel better about yourself.

Let’s just be honest about it. Gossip, in its essence, is a form of retaliation. You’re trying to get back at the person who offended you by talking about them behind their back.

God hates it.

My mom got mad at my dad the other day and went shopping to relieve her irritation. When she returned home she informed him that she had purchased ten new dresses.

“Ten!” he hollered, “What could any woman want with ten new dresses??”

My mom calmly replied, “Ten new pairs of shoes.”

One Liner
I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious self-righteous people around me.

Thought for the day
Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others” Colossians 3:13

When I have a hard time overlooking an offense, I remember the great gift of God’s forgiveness!

A cowboy from the midwest walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to Paris for an international rodeo for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank.

The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the Cowboy handed over the keys to his new Ferrari. The car was parked on the street in front of the bank. The cowboy produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest.

Later, the bank’s president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the backwoods cowboy for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank’s private underground garage and parked it.

Two weeks later, the cowboy returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07. The loan officer said, “Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out on Dunn & Bradstreet and found that you are a highly sophisticated investor and multimillionaire with real estate and financial interests all over the world. Your investments include a large number of wind turbines around the midwest. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?”

The good ‘ol boy replied, “Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?”

One Liner
Good news is just life’s way of keeping you off balance.

Thought for the day
“A person’s wisdom yields patience; it is to one’s glory to overlook an offense” Proverbs 19:11

Your emotional and spiritual maturity is largely measured by how you treat people who mistreat you.

Leaving a plush night club one evening, a miserly gentleman walked past the doorman without tipping him.

Never the less, the doorman helped the man into a taxi with a flourish and said pleasantly, “By the way, in case you happen to lose your wallet on the way home, sir, just remember that you didn’t pull it out here.”

One Liner
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Thought for the day
For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him. Whoever believes in him is not condemned, but whoever does not believe stands condemned already because he has not believed in the name of God’s one and only Son. John 3:17-18 (NIV)

Jesus came to do whatever was necessary to cleanse us of our sins so that we could come home to the Father. Again and again, we see Jesus in the New Testament willing to use his power to heal; we see him willing to use his authority to cleanse.

A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn’t find a space with a meter.

So he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: “I have circled the block 10 times. If I don’t park here, I’ll miss my appointment. FORGIVE US OUR TRESPASSES.”

When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note. “I’ve circled this block for 10 years. If I don’t give you a ticket, I’ll lose my job. LEAD US NOT INTO TEMPTATION.”

One LINER  
Worry is interest paid on trouble before it is due.

Thought for the day
For I am not ashamed of the gospel: for it is the power of God unto salvation to every one that believeth; to the Jew first, and also to the Greek. Romans 1:16

Paul was on fire for the gospel.  His life centered around it.  Thus he proclaimed it boldly day in and day out.

What happens when you fall in love with:

A chef? (You get buttered up.)

A chauffeur? (You get taken for a ride.)

A gambler? (He cheats on you.)

A telephone operator? (He gives you aphone-y line.)

A trashman? (He dumps you.)

A clockmaker? (He two-times you.)

A pastry cook? (He desserts you.)

A shoe salesman? (He walks all over you.)

An elevator operator? (He lets you down.)

An artist? (He gives you the brush.)

A jogger? (He gives you the run-around.)

One Liner
Yesterday I lost all self-control, but I found it today. It was under the couch.

Thought for the day
If you forgive others the wrongs they have done to you, your Father in heaven will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others, then your Father will not forgive the wrongs you have done. Matthew 6:14-15 (TEV)

If somebody hurt you, let go of it, release them. That’s one of the values of prayer. It helps you unload

DOG BREEDING MADE ABSURD

~ Pointer + Setter = Pointsetter, a traditional Christmas pet

~ Kerry Blue Terrier + Skye Terrier = Blue Skye, a dog for visionaries

~ Great Pyrenees + Dachshund = Pyradachs, a puzzling breed

~ Pekinese + Lhasa Apso = Peekasso, an abstract dog

~ Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel = Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle

~ Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever = Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists

~ Newfoundland + Basset Hound = Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors

~ Terrier + Bulldog = Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes

~ Bloodhound + Labrador = Blabrador, a dog that barks incessantly

~ Malamute + Pointer = Moot Point, owned by… oh, well, it doesn’t matter anyway

~ Collie + Malamute = Commute, a dog that travels to work

~ Deerhound + Terrier = Derriere, a dog that’s true to the end

One Liner
Anyone who thinks talk is cheap never argued with a traffic cop.

Thought for the day
There remains, then, a Sabbath-rest for the people of God; for anyone who enters God’s rest also rests from his own work, just as God did from his. Let us, therefore, make every effort to enter that rest. Hebrews 4:9–11

Most of us think of the Sabbath as a day of rest, originating from the day of rest God took after he created the universe, as recorded in Genesis. That view is correct; it’s the reason we should take a Sabbath, a day of rest, each week.

Yet the Sabbath has a larger sense: an invitation to rest in God’s healing grace, trusting in his power and his purpose for your life. We rest in our Father’s arms, knowing he goes before and behind, knowing that his plans for us are good and not evil