An elderly rabbi, having just retired from his duties in the temple, finally decides to fulfill his lifelong fantasy to taste pork.

He goes to a hotel in the Catskills in the off-season (not his usual one, mind you), enters the empty dining hall and sits down at a table far in the corner.  The waiter arrives, and the rabbi orders roast suckling pig.

As the rabbi is waiting, struggling with his conscience, a family from his congregation walks in!  They immediately see the rabbi and, since no one should eat alone, they join him.  Shocked, the rabbi begins to sweat.

At last, the waiter arrives with a huge domed platter.  He lifts the lid to reveal nothing else but roast suckling pig with a big apple in its mouth.

“This place is amazing!” cries the rabbi.  “You order a baked apple, and look what you get!”

One Liner
Into every life some rain must fall – usually when your car windows are down.

Thought for the day
“Let us keep our eyes fixed on Jesus, on whom our faith depends from beginning to end.” Hebrews 12:2 (GNT)

You need to keep your eyes on your master or you’ll get distracted. Get your mind off your circumstances and your problems and focus on God’s goodness to you in your past, his closeness to you in your present and his power to help you in your future.  

Interviewer: “If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead, who would it be?”

Applicant: “The living one.”

One Liner
I know a guy who does the work of three men…Moe, Larry & Curly.

Thought for the day
“Now you belong to him . . . in order that you might be useful in the service of God.” (Romans 7:4 TEV)

How much of the time are you being useful in the service of God? In some churches in China, they welcome new believers by saying, “Jesus now has a new pair of eyes to see with, new ears to listen with, new hands to help with, and a new heart to love others with.”

A doctor wrote about an epitaph he had seen in a local cemetery:

“In memory of my father: gone to join his appendix, his tonsils, his olfactory nerve, a kidney, an eardrum, and a leg prematurely removed by an intern who needed the experience.

One Liner
“What’s the use of having ignorance if you can’t show it?” – Lou Costello

Thought for the day
“[A]nd let us run with endurance the race that God has set before us.” Hebrews 12:1c (NLT)

You are supposed to run the race God has set for you. Not the race you set for yourself, not the race other people set for you, and not the race culture sets for you. You only run the race God has set for you. If you try to run any other course, you are going to fail and get discouraged. 

A American family took their first-grader on a car trip to Canada. To help pass the time, the boy practiced his new reading skills by calling out road signs. He fell asleep just before they entered Quebec.

When he awoke, he looked out his window at the highway signs – now in French – and said in a worried tone, “I think I forgot how to read while I was asleep.”

One Liner
I thank my lucky stars I’m not superstitious!

Thought for the day
“May God, the source of hope, fill you with joy and peace through your faith in him. Then you will overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit” Romans 15:13

God is the only source of hope that’ll never disappoint. When we place our faith in him, he provides joy, peace, and hope that overflows.

A father of five young children won a toy at Toys R Us.  Back home, he called his kids together to let them determine which one should have the present.

“Who is the most obedient?” he asked. “Who never talks back to Mother? Who does everything she says?”

Five small voices answered in unison: “You, Daddy!”

One Liner
Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I drive by again?

Thought for the day
LORD, I remember your judgments from long ago and find comfort. Psalm 119:52

These things the psalmist called to remembrance, and revolved them in his mind, which gave him pleasure and comfort. Let us do the same!

A man was in his usual place in the morning, sitting at the table, reading the paper after breakfast.

He came across an article about a beautiful actress who was about to marry a football player. The player was known primarily for his lack of IQ, common sense, and good looks.

He turned to his wife: “You know, I’ll never understand why the biggest, ugliest jerks always get the most attractive wives.”

His wife replied, “Why thank you, dear!”

One Liner
Evening news is where they begin with “Good evening,” and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.

Thought for the day
With my whole heart I seek you.  Let me not wander from your commandments!  Psalm 119:10

We MUST SEEK the Lord and His Word … SEEK implies being intentional ……. being proactive!!
 

“Hello, is this Father O’Malley?”
“It is.”
“This is the IRS calling. Can you help us?”
“I can.”
“Do you know a Ted Houlihan?”
“I do.”
“Is he a member of your congregation?”
“He is.”
“Did he donate $10,000 to the church?”
“He will.”

One Liner
What doesn’t kill you will still definitely bum you out.

Thought for the day
I will praise you with an upright heart as I learn your righteous laws. Psalm 119:7
To LEARN God’s Word …….. is to KNOW it.