Mother asks little Johnny, as they wait for the bus, to tell the driver he is 4 years old when asked because he will ride for free.

As they get into the bus the driver asks Johnny how old he is. “I am 4 years old.”

“And when will you be six years old?” asks the driver.

“When I get off the bus,” answers Johnny.

One Liner
“I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped on, but I can’t afford one so … I’m wearing my garage door opener.”

Thought for the day
Acts 1 teaches, “You will receive power when the Holy Spirit comes on you; and you will be my witnesses in Jerusalem, and in all Judea and Samaria, and to the ends of the earth” (Acts 1:7-8 NIV). Jerusalem represents your immediate family and friends, Judea represents your community, Samaria represents your cross-cultural relationships, and the ends of the earth refers to your global calling.

“And when will you be six years old?” asks the driver.

“When I get off the bus,” answers Johnny.

One Liner
“I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped on, but I can’t afford one so … I’m wearing my garage door opener.”

Thought for the day
Acts 1 teaches, “You will receive power when the Holy Spirit comes on you; and you will be my witnesses in Jerusalem, and in all Judea and Samaria, and to the ends of the earth” (Acts 1:7-8 NIV). Jerusalem represents your immediate family and friends, Judea represents your community, Samaria represents your cross-cultural relationships, and the ends of the earth refers to your global calling. 

The school of agriculture’s dean of admissions was interviewing a prospective student, “Why have you chosen this career?” he asked.

“I dream of making a million dollars in farming, like my father,” the student replied.

“Your father made a million dollars in farming?!” echoed the dean much impressed.

“No,” replied the applicant. “But he always dreamed of it.”

One Liner

I am a mental tourist. My mind wanders.

Thought for the day
“The leaders saw that Peter and John were not afraid to speak, and they understood that these men had no special training or education. So they were amazed. Then they realized that Peter and John had been with Jesus” Acts 4:13

The more time you spend with Jesus, the less you are going to be intimidated by the opinions of others and the more courage you’re going to have.

“How was your blind date?” a college student asked her roommate.

“Terrible!” the roommate answered. “He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce.”

“Wow! That’s a very expensive car. What’s so bad about that?”

“He was the original owner.”

One Liner
– A key ring is a handy little device that was invented so you could lose ALL your keys at once! 

Thought for the day
“Let heaven fill your thoughts; don’t spend your time worrying about things down here”  Colossians 3:2

Focus your energy on what will last.  Live a life of worship. Build relationships with God’s people. Invest your time in becoming more like Jesus through discipleship. Serve others with abandon. Tell people about Jesus. Those activities last forever.

A fisherman from the city was out fishing on a lake in a small boat. He noticed another man in a small boat open his tackle box and take out a mirror. Being curious the man rowed over and asked, “What is the mirror for?”
 
“That’s my secret way to catch fish,” said the other man. “Shine the mirror on the top of the water. The fish notice the spot of sun on the water above and they swim to the surface. Then I just reach down and net them and pull them into the boat.”
 
“Wow! Does that really work?”
 
“You bet it does.”
 
“Would you be interested in selling that mirror? I’ll give you $30 for it.”
 
“Well, okay.”
 
After the money was transferred, the city fisherman asked, “By the way, how many fish have you caught this week?”
 
“You’re the sixth,” he said.

One Liner
“My wife took up gardening. All she grew was tired.”

Thought for the day
“So we don’t look at the troubles we can see now; rather, we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen. For the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever” 2 Corinthians 4:18

Don’t be discouraged by trouble. When you live in light of eternity, trouble just doesn’t bother you as much anymore. You know troubles won’t last forever, so you simply don’t give up.

“Four Letter Surgery”

Jerry is recovering from day surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling.

“I’m OK, but I didn’t like the four-letter word the doctor used in surgery,” he answers.

“What did he say?” asks the nurse.

“OOPS!”

One Liner
If a shepherd takes care of sheep, shouldn’t a coward take care of cows? 

Thought for the day
“Dear brothers, you are only visitors here. Since your real home is in heaven, I beg you to keep away from the evil pleasures of this world; they are not for you, for they fight against your very souls” 1 Peter 2:11

Don’t be distracted by temptation.  Stay focused on what’s of eternal significance. Delay gratification, even though everything in society tries to get you to do just the opposite. Stay focused on what’s ahead.

“Medical Bill Call”

Many patients call the pathology group where I am office manager to discuss their medical bills. One irate woman demanded that I describe every laboratory test on her statement.

Reluctantly, I complied. Starting with the first test on her bill, I read, “No. 1, urinalysis.”

She interrupted me at once. “I’m a what?”

One Liner
“Once over the hill, you pick up speed.”

Thought for the day
“He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us”  2 Corinthians 1:4

Think of those times in your life when the Lord has comforted you. To whom can you pass on that blessing?