COMPUTER FUNNIES 

What is a computer’s first sign of old age?

Loss of memory

What does a baby computer call his father?

Data

What is an astronaut’s favorite key on a computer keyboard?

The space bar

What happened when the computer fell on the floor?

It slipped a disk

Why was there a bug in the computer?

It was looking for a byte to eat

What is a computer virus?

A terminal illness

One Liner
Never trust a computer you can’t throw out a window.

Thought for the day
God makes his purpose for the Bible even more explicit in 2 Timothy 3:16-17: “All Scripture is inspired by God and is useful to teach us what is true and to make us realize what is wrong in our lives. It corrects us when we are wrong and teaches us to do what is right. God uses it to prepare and equip his people to do every good work” (NLT).

The purpose of the Bible is more than just showing us what is wrong in our lives or how we should live. God gave us his Word to radically transform our lives.

Sunday school teacher Ms. Brown had a class of five-year-olds. She began the lesson by saying, “Today we are going to study about Peter. Can anybody tell me who Peter was?”
 
A little lad in the back of the group raised his hand.
 
“Oh, how nice,” Ms. Brown said. “Billy knows. Billy, please come up front and tell the class who Peter was.”
 
Billy quickly came to the front and said with great pride in his voice,
 
“I fink he was a wabbit.”

One Liner
How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?

Thought for the day
“Everything that goes into a life of pleasing God has been miraculously given to us by getting to know, personally and intimately, the One who invited us to God.” (2 Peter 1:3 Msg)

You may hesitate, wondering whether you will have strength to live for God. Don’t worry. God will give you what you need if you will just make the choice to live for him. 

TOP 10 THINGS MEN UNDERSTAND ABOUT WOMEN
 
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One Liner
“The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.”

Thought for the day
If you forgive others the wrongs they have done to you, your Father in heaven will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others, then your Father will not forgive the wrongs you have done. Matthew 6:14-15 (TEV)

If somebody hurt you, let go of it, release them. That’s one of the values of prayer. It helps you unload.

Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, “I’ll bet you don’t know what day this is.”

“Of course I do,” he answered as if he was offended, and left for the office. 

At 10:00 a.m., the doorbell rang and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a box of a dozen long stemmed red roses. At 1:00 p.m., a foil-wrapped, two-pound box of her favorite chocolates was delivered. Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress.

The woman couldn’t wait for her husband to come home.

“First the flowers, then the chocolates and then the dress!” she exclaimed.

“I’ve never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my life!

One Liner
“For what is faith unless it is to believe what you do not see?”
– Augustine

Thought for the day
God gave us His Word (the Bible) to transform us, not simply inform us. It should give us a bigger heart, not a bigger head.

James 1:22 says, “Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says” (NIV).

I always do my exercises regularly in the morning. Immediately after waking I sternly say to myself, “Ready, now. Up. Down. Up. Down.” And after two strenuous minutes I tell myself, “Okay, now try the other eyelid

One Liner
What does the sea say to the sand?
Not much. It usually just waves.

Thought for the day
Jesus says, “I am the way…. No one comes to the Father except through me” (John 14:6 NIV).

It’s very important to understand that in any rescue operation, the rescuer gets to determine means and method of the rescue. You don’t get to determine how you are saved. It’s not up to you; it’s up to your Savior. 

The colonel who served as inspector general in our command paid particular attention to how personnel wore their uniforms. On one occasion he spotted a junior airman with a violation. “Airman,” he bellowed, “what do you do when a shirt pocket is unbuttoned?”

The startled airman replied, “Button it, sir!”

The colonel looked him in the eye and said, “Well?”

At that, the airman nervously reached over and buttoned the colonel’s shirt pocket.

One Liner
“How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?”

Thought for the day
Know the state of your flocks, and put your heart into caring for your herds, for riches don’t last forever …. (Proverbs 27:23-24a NLT)

The Bible says we need to watch our financial interests closely. “Know the state of your flocks ….” Today we might say, “Know the state of your stocks.” In other words, we need to know where our money is going. People say money talks, but actually it just walks away quietly. And you wonder where it went.

Not knowing where your money is going equals disaster. You get into debt because you’re not keeping good records that show you what is happening with your finances. As the saying goes, you end up spending money you don’t have on things you don’t need to impress people you don’t even like. 

SIX TRUTHS

1. You cannot stick your tongue out and look up at the ceiling at the same time, due to the tendons within your neck.

2. All boneheads, after reading #1 will try it…

3. …and discover that #1 is a lie.

4. You are smiling now because you realize you are an bonehead.

5. You soon will share this with another bonehead.

6. There is still a stupid smile on your face! I sincerely apologize about this, but I’m an bonehead and I needed company.

One Liner
Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I’ll show you a man who can’t get his pants off.

Thought for the day
“The things you’ve learned from me in the presence of many witnesses you are to entrust to other faithful people who will also be qualified to pass it on to others.” (2 Timothy 2:2)

Don’t be intimidated by the word “mentoring.” Mentoring is as easy as taking someone to breakfast once a month and asking them, “How’s it going?”