Two older women, Colleen and Melinda, who were rivals in a social circle met at a party at their country club.

“My dear,” said Melinda, “Are those real pearls?”

“They are,” replied Colleen.

“Of course the only way I could tell would be for me to bite them,” smiled Melinda.

Colleen responded, “Yes, but for that you would need real teeth.”

One Liner

Rice is great when you’re hungry and you want 2,000 of something.

Little Dewey went fishing with his dad, who had his fishing license on the back of his hat. 

After a while they had caught no fish when Little Dewey offered the following suggestion: “Dad, turn your hat around so the fish can see your license.” 

One Liner

I insist on instant gratification, no matter how long it takes.

When a young man left his dorm and moved into an apartment, he went shopping for cleaning equipment. His cart was loaded with a broom, mop, dust-pan, sponges and a full array of cleaning products.

At the last minute he topped off his cart with a lone food purchase — a large bag of potato chips.

Seeing the checkout clerk’s quizzical look, he explained, “I’m a very messy eater.”

One Liner

Started a new routine this week, doing crunches twice a day: Cap’n in the morning, Nestle’s in the afternoon.

A professor stood before his class of twenty senior organic biology students, about to hand out the final exam.

“I want to say that it’s been a pleasure teaching you this semester. I know you’ve all worked extremely hard and many of you are off to medical school after summer. So that no one gets their GPA messed up because they might have been celebrating a bit too much this week, anyone who would like to opt out of the final exam today will receive a ‘B’ for the test.”

There was much rejoicing in the class as students got up, walked to the front of the class, and took the professor up on his offer. As the last taker left the room, the professor looked out over the handful of remaining students and asked, “Anyone else? This is your last chance.”

One final student rose up and opted out of the final.

The professor closed the door and took attendance of those students remaining. “I’m glad to see you believe in yourselves,” he said. “You all get ‘A’s.”

One Liner

The app that counts my steps asked me if I’ve died.

A young woman decided to redecorate her bedroom. She wasn’t sure how many rolls of wallpaper she would need, but she knew that her friend next door had recently done the same job and the two rooms were identical in size.

“Buffy,” she said, “how many rolls of wallpaper did you buy for your bedroom?”

“Ten,” said Buffy.

So the girl bought the ten rolls of paper and did the job, but she had 2 rolls leftover.

“Buffy,” she said. “I bought ten rolls of wallpaper for the bedroom, but I’ve got 2 leftover!”

“Yeah!” said Buffy. “So did I.”

One Liner

What did the surgeon say to the patient who insisted on closing up their own incision? Suture self.

A tour guide was showing a tourist around Washington, D.C. The guide pointed out the place where George Washington supposedly threw a dollar across the Potomac River.

“That’s impossible,” said the tourist. “No one could throw a coin that far!”

“You have to remember,” answered the guide. “A dollar went a lot farther in those days.”

One Liner

You don’t realize how old you are until you sit on the floor and then try to get back up.