I asked my daughter to give me the phone book. 

She laughed at me, called me a dinosaur, and lent me her iPhone. 

So the spider is dead, the iPhone is broken, and my daughter is furious.

One Liner

Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke? He won the
“no-bell” prize.

A man is on trial for stealing an overcoat. The judge went straight to the point. “Did you steal this man’s overcoat?” he demanded. 

“No sir,” the defendant replied, with a grin. “I was just playing joke on him.”

“And where did you take the coat?” asked the judge.

“I removed it from the coat rack in the restaurant and carried it home with me.”

“Guilty,” snapped the judge. 

“Guilty! Guilty of what?” asked the defendant.

“Guilty of carrying a joke too far!”

One Liner

If you wanted people to eat something would you name it succotash?

Father: Look at all these bills! Taxes, rent, telephone, clothes, food. The cost of living is going up everywhere. I’d be happy if just one thing went down. 

Little Johnny: Dad, here’s my report card.

One Liner

My spouse says I have 2 faults. I don’t listen and…something else.

Two years after my heart attack, I was teaching my college course when I felt discomfort in my chest. I paused the class to pop my medication and felt better quickly. 

“Now, if I ever do have a heart attack,” I told my students, “I will give extra credit to whoever gives me CPR.”

One of them shouted out, “How much?”

One Liner

The best way to discourage Knock Knock jokes is just by saying, “Come in!”

A man called his neighbor to help move a couch that was stuck in the doorway.  They got on either end of the couch and struggled until they were exhausted, but the couch wouldn’t budge.

“Forget it,” the man finally gasped. “We’ll never get this in.”

A frustrated voice came from the other end of the couch: “IN?!?!”

One Liner

Q. What do you give someone who has everything? 
A. Antibiotics.

Three mothers are sitting on a park bench talking about (what else?) how much their sons love them.

Sadie says, “You know the Chagall painting hanging in my living room? My son, Arnold, bought that for me for my 75th birthday. What a good boy he is and how much he loves his mother.”

Minnie says,”You call that love? You know the Eldorado Cadillac I got for Mother’s Day? That’s from my son Bernie. What a doll.”

Shirley says, “That’s nothing. You know my son Stanley? He sees a psychoanalyst on Park Ave. Five sessions a week. And what does he talk about? Me!”

One Liner

Went to an antique show and people were bidding on me.