Patient: “Doctor, doctor!  I keep seeing spots before my eyes!”

Doctor: “Have you seen an ophthalmologist?”

Patient: “No, just spots.”

One Liner
Why is it when I eat a 2 oz chocolate bar, I always gain a pound…but when I choose NOT to eat the same bar, I don’t lose a pound??? 

Upon going away to college, my former brother-in-law received a hand mixer from his mother because of his fondness for mashed potatoes. Later that semester, she asked him how the mixer was working for him. “Not very good,” Terry said, “the potatoes keep flying all over the kitchen.” 

After a perplexed pause, his mother asked, “Terry, did you cook the potatoes first?” 

To which a surprised Terry responded, “You have to cook the potatoes first?” 

One Liner
What do you do with a sick chemist?
If you can’t helium and if you can curium, then you might as well barium!

At a wedding ceremony that I was performing, I raised my hand to give the final blessing. 

The bride misunderstood my gesture and surprised me with a high-five. 

Not wanting to exclude the groom, I offered him a high-five, too. 

I was finally able to get my blessing in, amid the laughter of the guests. 

One Liner
Redneck murders are harder to solve. All the DNA  matches and there are no dental records.

While being transported to basic training as a new enlistee of the Air National Guard, I accidentally opened a parachute in the rear of the C-47. The plane was piloted by a major and a captain, and I felt intimidated as I opened the cockpit door to confess what I had done. 

Expecting to be severely chastised, I was surprised by the captain’s calm response. “Well, son,” he said, “if this plane goes down, that chute is yours.” 

One Liner
I would like to grow some herbs. I just can’t find the THYME!

A surgeon goes to return some books he borrowed from the library… The librarian quips after checking the books… 

“Sir your books are always returned with the last page missing in every single book…” 

The surgeon replies, “I can’t stop myself from removing an appendix when ever I see one.” 

One Liner
Got rid of my toaster. It always burns my toast. I don’t like that cause I am black toast intolerant!

Stopping at a restaurant advertising a “Unique Breakfast,” a man asked the waitress what this was, and was told, “Baked chicken tongue.” 

“That’s disgusting!” the man said. “I’d never eat something that came out of a chicken’s mouth.” 

“What would you like then?” the waitress asked. 

“Oh, just bring me some scrambled eggs,” the man replied. 

One Liner
Cheese is GRATE for you!

A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. 

The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him in front of the service station. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump. 

“Preacher,” said the young man, “I’m sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip.” 

The minister chuckled, “I know what you mean. It’s the same in my business.” 

One Liner
I burned my Hawaiian pizza. I should have used ALOHA temperature?