A man walks up to a cashier in a grocery store. He says, “Hey, how much for these jalapeño peppers?” He pronounces it “jo-la-pen-o,” not “ho-lo-peen-yo.”

The cashier says, “Sir, that’s not what those peppers are called.”

The man replies, “Listen, buddy, this is America, and I can pronounce any word the way I please.”

The cashier responds, “That is as may be, sir, but those are green peppers.”

One Liner
“The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.” ~Lucille Ball

Thought for the day
I pray for them. I am not praying for the world, but for those you have given me, for they are yours. John 17:9 (NIV)

If you are not a parent, you still can help others move toward the heart of God by praying for them.

“How did the wedding go?” asked the preacher’s wife.

“Just fine until I asked the bride if she would obey and she said, ‘Do you think I’m nuts?’ and the groom said, ‘I do,’ and then things really began to happen fast.”

One Liner
Nobody reads the rules for Monopoly unless there’s an argument.

Thought for the day
The Bible says in 1 Timothy 6:7, “We brought nothing into the world, so we can take nothing out.” I remember hearing of a rich Texas oilman who was buried in his Cadillac. As they were putting him under, a man standing by said, “Man, that’s living!” No — the guy’s dead!

You must build your life on the one thing that cannot be taken away from you: your relationship with God through his son, Jesus Christ.

WORST THINGS TO SAY ON A FIRST DATE

~ I know we just met and this might seem a little sudden … but could I borrow five hundred dollars?

~ Go ahead and Super Size – I found spare change in the sofa today.

~ I don’t see my ex-girlfriend that much … thanks to the U.S. Department of Justice.

~ I had a good time tonight. I’d love to see you again in six to eight months with good behavior.

~ I really don’t like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired.

~ People say I remind them of Eddie Haskell.

One Liner
My wife turned the dishwasher into a snow shoveling device…she handed me a shovel.

Thought for the day
“If God says his chosen ones are acceptable to him, can anyone bring charges against them? Or can anyone condemn them? No indeed!” (Romans 8:33-34)

We need to stop thinking, “I’ve got an un-pleaseable God up there, and I’ve got to be a good boy or good girl to be accepted.” God, through Jesus Christ, has already accepted you. That’s the Good News!

One dark night outside a small town in Minnesota, a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in the blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.

When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, “All our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact.”

But the roaring flames held the firefighters off.

Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company’s secret files.

From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby Norwegian rural township volunteer fire company comprised mainly of Norwegians over the age of 65. To everyone’s amazement, that little run-down fire engine roared right past all the newer sleek engines that were parked outside the plant.

Without even slowing down it drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside, the other firemen watched in amazement as the Norwegian old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire and bravely fought it back on all sides. It was a performance and effort never seen before.

Within a short time, the Norske old timers had extinguished the fire and had saved the secret formulas. The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave fire fighters.

The local TV news reporter rushed in to capture the event on film, asking their chief, “What are you going to do with all that money?”

“Vell,” said Ole Larsen, the 70-year-old fire chief, “Da first thing ve gonna do is fix da brakes on dat old truck!”

One Liner
“When God is in your life, confession and repentance become the norm.” – David Jeremiah

Thought for the day
“Each of us is as close to God as we choose to be.” – Dr. Oswald Sanders

My boss’ son is five years old. He attended his first funeral with his family. I saw him on Sunday and asked him what he thought of it. His answer, “She was already dead when we got there.”

One Liner
“My mind contains many good ideas, but it is not always easy to squeeze one out.”

Thought for the day
“I can do everything through him who gives me strength” (Philippians 4:13 NIV). When Christ is inside you, you will have the power to do anything.

THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD
A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible – Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the chapter. Little Rick was excited about the task – but he just couldn’t remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line. On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Ricky was so nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, ‘The Lord is my Shepherd, and that’s all I need to know.”

One Liner
There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity.

Thought for the day
“Strengthen yourselves so that you will live here on earth doing what God wants, not evil things people want.” (1 Peter 4:2 NCV)

What are you doing to fortify your faith? Here are just a few things you could be doing:

Study the Bible.
Maintain a quiet time.
Read Christian books.
Keep your testimony fresh.
Be faithful to a small group of believers

I took Allison to the doctor for her 2-year-old check. They had her do coordination tests, like stacking blocks, and they watch and see if they walk properly. And then the doctor said, “Allison, can you stand on one foot for me?” And she walked over and stood on his foot.

One Liner
It’s so cold this morning…an Amish farmer bought an electric blanket.

Thought for the day
We can pray that our children will experience fellowship personally: “My prayer is that they will be of one heart and mind, just as You and I are one, Father … and the world will believe You sent Me” (John 17:21 LB).