A hunting party is hopelessly lost. “I thought you said you were the best guide in Maine!” one of the hunters angrily said to their confused leader.

“I am, “replied the guide. “But I think we’re in Canada now.”

One Liner

The nurse came in and said “Doc, there’s a man in the waiting room who thinks he’s invisible.” The doctor said, “Tell him I can’t see him today.”

My husband works as a service technician for a large exterminating company.  

One of the rules of the company is that he has to confirm each appointment by phone the night before his service call to that household.

One evening he made such a call, and when a man answered the phone, he said, “Hi, this is Gary from A to Z Pest Control Company. Your wife phoned us.”  

There was a long silence, and then my husband heard the man on the other end say, “Honey, it’s for you….someone wants to talk to you about your relatives.”  

One Liner

If you don’t know where you’re going, you’re never lost.

A high school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, and a calculator.  
Authorities charged him with carrying weapons of math instruction.

One Liner

Whenever I’m with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”

Top 5 signs that gasoline has gotten way too expensive:

1. A gas station is offering a free car with every fill up.

2. Any purchase over a gallon requires a credit check.

3. Price is now in gold bullion.

4. Texaco now offering monthly payment plans.

5. You’re excited to find gas at under $5 a half cup.

One Liner

You know you’ve reached middle age when you when you’re cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police.

“So tell me, Mrs. Farris,” asked the interviewer, “have you any other skills you think might be worth mentioning?”

“Actually, yes,” said the applicant modestly. “Last year I had two short stories published in national magazines, and I finished my novel.”

“Very impressive,” he commented, “but I was thinking of skills you could apply during office hours.”

Mrs. Smith explained brightly, “Oh, that was during office hours.”

One Liner

Paranoia has reached absurd stages…this morning I sneezed in front of my computer and the anti-virus program started running a scan on its own.

A golfer, now into his golden years, had a lifelong ambition to play one hole at Pebble Beach, California the way the pros do it. The pros drive the ball out over the water onto the green that is on a spit of land that juts out off the coast.

It was something he had tried hundreds of times without success. His ball always fell short, into the ocean. Because of this he never used a new ball on this particular hole. He always picked out one that had a cut or a nick.

Recently he went to Pebble Beach to try again. When he came to the fateful hole, he teed up an old cut ball and said a silent prayer.

Before he hit it however, a powerful voice from above said, “WAIT…REPLACE THAT OLD BALL WITH A BRAND-NEW BALL.”

He complied, with some slight misgiving, despite the fact that the Lord seemed to be implying that He was going to let him finally achieve his lifelong ambition.

As he stepped up to the tee once more, the voice came down again: “WAIT…STEP BACK… TAKE A PRACTICE SWING.”

So he stepped back and took a practice swing.

The voice boomed out again, “TAKE ANOTHER PRACTICE SWING.”

He did. Silence followed.

Then the voice spoke out again: “PUT BACK THE OLD BALL.”

One Liner

I wanted to learn how to make ice-cream, so I started attending sundae school.