Exercise Program
The doctor told me “Physical exercise is good for you.” I know that I should do it, since my body is so out of shape. So I have worked out this easy daily program I can do anywhere:
 
Monday:
Beat around the bush.
Jump to conclusions.
Climb the walls.
Wade through paperwork.
 
Tuesday:
Drag my heels.
Push my luck.
Make mountains out of mole hills.
Hit the nail on the head.
 
Wednesday:
Bend over backwards.
Jump on the band wagon.
Balance the books.
Run around in circles.
 
Thursday:
Toot my own horn.
Climb the ladder of success.
Pull out the stops.
Add fuel to the fire.
 
Friday:
Open a can of worms.
Put my foot in my mouth.
Start the ball rolling.
Go over the edge.
 
Saturday:
Pick up the pieces.
 
Whew!
What a workout!

“Good News Dewey”

Olga phoned her husband, Dewey, at work for a chat.

“I’m sorry dear,” said Dewey, “but I’m up to my neck in work today. I don’t have time to chat.”

Olga replied, “But I’ve got some good news and some bad news for you, dear.”

“OK, darling,” said Dewey, “but as I’ve got no time right now, just give me the good news.”

“OK,” agreed Olga. “Well, the air bag works!”

One Liner
“I hope I live to be as old as my jokes.”

Thought for the day
“Friendship with God is reserved for those who reverence him. With them alone he shares the secrets of his promises” (Psalm 25:14 TLB).

If you want to build a deep relationship with God, you have to slow down and be quiet.

Ron, a 9-year old boy, was being raised by his mother who didn’t know how to cope with his uncontrollable temper. She knew he was angry that his father had abandoned him and she tried professional counseling, but nothing seemed to work.

So she sent Ron to spend the summer on his grandparent’s farm. When he came home, he was a changed boy. His mom asked him what happened and he told her that every time he got mad or said anything unkind, Grandpa made him go outside and hammer a big two-inch nail into a two by four. It was hard, and he wasn’t allowed back until the nail was all the way in.

After about 20 trips to the shed to get the tools, he decided it was easier to control his temper than hammer those long nails.

“Did you change because you hated the consequences so much?” she asked.

“Well, that was part of it,” he said. “After I’d nailed in all the nails and was behaving better, Grandma took me outside and made me pull them out. That was even harder. When I was done, she gave me this note.”

He showed it to her, and this is what she read:

“Pulling out the nails is like saying you’re sorry. But the holes still remain in the board. You can’t fix things by being sorry, but you can stop making new holes. Remember, every time you do something mean and nasty, you’re making a hole somewhere in someone. That’s what your dad did to you. Please don’t do it to anyone else. You’re better than that.”

One Liner 
May thy ball lie in green pastures … and not in still waters.

Thought for the day
“Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think” Ephesians 3:20

God is a competent Father. He can handle any problem you give him. Nothing is beyond his ability or his resources. No request is too big or too small.

Dear Mom and Dad,

I have so much to tell you. Because of the fire in my dorm set off by student riots, I experienced temporary lung damage and had to go to the hospital. While I was there, I fell in love with an orderly, and we have moved in together. I dropped out of school when I found out I was pregnant, and he got fired because of his drinking, so we’re going to move to Alaska, where we might get married after the birth of our baby.

Your loving daughter

PS: None of this really happened, but I did flunk my chemistry class and I wanted to keep it in perspective.

One Liner
“It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.”

Thought for the day
God has made us what we are. In Christ Jesus, God made us to do good works, which God planned in advance for us to live our lives doing. (Ephesians 2:10 NCV)

There are three things you can do with your life: You can waste it, you can spend it, or you can invest it. The best use of your life is to invest it in something that will last longer than your time on earth.

Mother asks little Johnny, as they wait for the bus, to tell the driver he is 4 years old when asked because he will ride for free.

As they get into the bus the driver asks Johnny how old he is. “I am 4 years old.”

“And when will you be six years old?” asks the driver.

“When I get off the bus,” answers Johnny.

One Liner
“I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped on, but I can’t afford one so … I’m wearing my garage door opener.”

Thought for the day
Acts 1 teaches, “You will receive power when the Holy Spirit comes on you; and you will be my witnesses in Jerusalem, and in all Judea and Samaria, and to the ends of the earth” (Acts 1:7-8 NIV). Jerusalem represents your immediate family and friends, Judea represents your community, Samaria represents your cross-cultural relationships, and the ends of the earth refers to your global calling.

“And when will you be six years old?” asks the driver.

“When I get off the bus,” answers Johnny.

One Liner
“I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped on, but I can’t afford one so … I’m wearing my garage door opener.”

Thought for the day
Acts 1 teaches, “You will receive power when the Holy Spirit comes on you; and you will be my witnesses in Jerusalem, and in all Judea and Samaria, and to the ends of the earth” (Acts 1:7-8 NIV). Jerusalem represents your immediate family and friends, Judea represents your community, Samaria represents your cross-cultural relationships, and the ends of the earth refers to your global calling. 

The school of agriculture’s dean of admissions was interviewing a prospective student, “Why have you chosen this career?” he asked.

“I dream of making a million dollars in farming, like my father,” the student replied.

“Your father made a million dollars in farming?!” echoed the dean much impressed.

“No,” replied the applicant. “But he always dreamed of it.”

One Liner

I am a mental tourist. My mind wanders.

Thought for the day
“The leaders saw that Peter and John were not afraid to speak, and they understood that these men had no special training or education. So they were amazed. Then they realized that Peter and John had been with Jesus” Acts 4:13

The more time you spend with Jesus, the less you are going to be intimidated by the opinions of others and the more courage you’re going to have.