“How was your blind date?” a college student asked her roommate.

“Terrible!” the roommate answered. “He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce.”

“Wow! That’s a very expensive car. What’s so bad about that?”

“He was the original owner.”

One Liner
– A key ring is a handy little device that was invented so you could lose ALL your keys at once! 

Thought for the day
“Let heaven fill your thoughts; don’t spend your time worrying about things down here”  Colossians 3:2

Focus your energy on what will last.  Live a life of worship. Build relationships with God’s people. Invest your time in becoming more like Jesus through discipleship. Serve others with abandon. Tell people about Jesus. Those activities last forever.

A fisherman from the city was out fishing on a lake in a small boat. He noticed another man in a small boat open his tackle box and take out a mirror. Being curious the man rowed over and asked, “What is the mirror for?”
 
“That’s my secret way to catch fish,” said the other man. “Shine the mirror on the top of the water. The fish notice the spot of sun on the water above and they swim to the surface. Then I just reach down and net them and pull them into the boat.”
 
“Wow! Does that really work?”
 
“You bet it does.”
 
“Would you be interested in selling that mirror? I’ll give you $30 for it.”
 
“Well, okay.”
 
After the money was transferred, the city fisherman asked, “By the way, how many fish have you caught this week?”
 
“You’re the sixth,” he said.

One Liner
“My wife took up gardening. All she grew was tired.”

Thought for the day
“So we don’t look at the troubles we can see now; rather, we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen. For the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever” 2 Corinthians 4:18

Don’t be discouraged by trouble. When you live in light of eternity, trouble just doesn’t bother you as much anymore. You know troubles won’t last forever, so you simply don’t give up.

“Four Letter Surgery”

Jerry is recovering from day surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling.

“I’m OK, but I didn’t like the four-letter word the doctor used in surgery,” he answers.

“What did he say?” asks the nurse.

“OOPS!”

One Liner
If a shepherd takes care of sheep, shouldn’t a coward take care of cows? 

Thought for the day
“Dear brothers, you are only visitors here. Since your real home is in heaven, I beg you to keep away from the evil pleasures of this world; they are not for you, for they fight against your very souls” 1 Peter 2:11

Don’t be distracted by temptation.  Stay focused on what’s of eternal significance. Delay gratification, even though everything in society tries to get you to do just the opposite. Stay focused on what’s ahead.

“Medical Bill Call”

Many patients call the pathology group where I am office manager to discuss their medical bills. One irate woman demanded that I describe every laboratory test on her statement.

Reluctantly, I complied. Starting with the first test on her bill, I read, “No. 1, urinalysis.”

She interrupted me at once. “I’m a what?”

One Liner
“Once over the hill, you pick up speed.”

Thought for the day
“He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us”  2 Corinthians 1:4

Think of those times in your life when the Lord has comforted you. To whom can you pass on that blessing?

“Stolen Truck”

The young goober came running into the store and said to his buddy, “Jake, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!”

Jake replied, “Did you see who it was?”

The young man answered, “I couldn’t tell, but I got the license number.”

One Liner
I used to be indecisive … I think. 

Thought for the day
“Stoop down and reach out to those who are oppressed. Share their burdens, and so complete Christ’s law” Galatians 6:2

What is Christ’s law? Love God and love your neighbor.

Marriage Teachings
At the banquet of Tom and Susan’s 25th wedding anniversary, Tom was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration. “Tell us, Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?”

Tom responded, “Well, I’ve learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, forbearance, meekness, self-restraint, forgiveness — and a great many other qualities you wouldn’t have needed if you’d stayed single.”

One Liner
“Through the years I’ve noticed that conscience gets a lot of credit that really belongs to cold feet.”

Thought for the day
“The Lord, the Lord God, merciful and gracious, long suffering, and abounding in goodness and truth” Exodus 34:6

Mercy is the first characteristic God uses to define himself in the Bible. Thus, it must be the most important.  Webster’s Dictionary defines mercy two ways, as “refraining from harm or punishment” and as “unexpected kindness.” God wants us to do both.

“Mechanic Applicant”

A man is applying for a job as mechanic that he really wants to get.

The boss says, “Can you roll your hard hat down your arm and pop it back on your head?”

The mechanic nods, confused.

“Can you play light saber with your wrench and another man’s screwdriver?”

“Oh yes,” says the mechanic.

“Can you bounce your screwdriver off the cement, grab it, whirl it around and put it in your belt like a gun?”

“Sir, I’ve been doing that for years!” says the wanna-be mechanic.

“Well in that case, I can’t use you. I have 12 men doing that already!” says the boss

One Liner
“Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?”

Thought for the day 
“Just as charcoal and wood keep a fire going, a quarrelsome person keeps an argument going” Proverbs 26:21

Many people find their meaning, their purpose, and their value by getting you upset. They enjoy keeping an argument going.  Don’t play their game. Don’t get drawn into it. They’re not looking for answers. They’re just looking for an argument.