Monthly Archives: July 2017

Humor – July 11

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One of my students could not take my college seminar final exam because of a funeral. “No problem,” I told him. “Make it up the following week.”

That week came, and again he couldn’t take the test due to another funeral.

“You’ll have to take the test early next week,” I insisted; “I can’t keep postponing it.”

“I’ll take the test next week if no one dies,” he told me.

By now I was suspicious. “How can you have so many people you know pass away in three weeks?” I asked.

“I don’t know any of these people,” he said. “I’m the only gravedigger in town.”

One Liner
A bicycle can’t stand alone; it is two tired.

Thought for the day
“Consider it pure joy, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know the testing of your faith develops perseverance and perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete not lacking anything.”  James 1:2-4

A mature believer is one who is positive under pressure.  “Consider it pure joy when you face trails ….

Humor – July 10

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THINGS PEOPLE THINK ABOUT WHILE SINGING IN THE CHOIR

~ I wonder if anyone out there notices I forgot my lipstick this morning.

~ I wonder who in the congregation will fall asleep first today?

~ 90 minutes till kickoff.

~ How many more verses?

~ The pot roast.

~ Will the person behind me ever hit the right note?

~ Wow, God loves me enough to let me sing in “His” choir.

One Liner
“Confidence is what you feel before you comprehend the situation.”

Thought for the day 
Brothers, stop thinking like children. In regard to evil be infants, but in your thinking be adults. 1 Corinthians 14:20 (NIV)

This is a difficult mental shift because we’re naturally self-absorbed; almost all advertising encourages us to think of ourselves. The only way we can make this mental switch is through a moment-by-moment dependence on God.

Humor – July 7

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Things Kids Say ….

BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a child-proof cap and she’d have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: “How does it know it’s me?”

SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. “Please don’t give me this juice again,” she said, “It makes my teeth cough.”

DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: “How much do I cost?”

One Liner
To err is human; to blame it on the other guy is even more human.

Thought for the day
Take on an entirely new way of life – a God-fashioned life, a life renewed from the inside and working itself into your conduct as God accurately reproduces his character in you. Ephesians 4:22-24 (MSG)

God’s ultimate goal for your life on earth is not comfort, but character development. He wants you to grow up spiritually and become like Christ. Becoming like Christ does not mean losing your personality or becoming a mindless clone

 

Humor – July 6

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Some smart advice….

Don’t squat with your spurs on.

If you’re ridin’ ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it’s still there.

If you get to thinkin’ you’re a person of some influence, try orderin’ somebody else’s dog around.

There’s two theories to arguin’ with a woman. Neither one works.

If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin’.

When you’re throwin’ your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else.

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.

There are three kinds of men. The one that learns by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to touch the electric fence for themselves.

One Liner
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

Thought for the day
“Let the Spirit change your way of thinking” (Ephesians 4:23 CEV).

We must change the way we think

Humor – July 5

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Patient: How much will it cost me to have this tooth extracted?

Dentist: $300

Patient: $300 for just a few minutes work?! Man, that’s expensive.

Dentist: Okay, I’ll pull it out slowly if you prefer.

One Liner
“Things turn out the best for people who make the best of how things turn out.”
~ John Wooden

Thought for the day
Let the Spirit change your way of thinking. Ephesians 4:23 (CEV)

God waits for you to act first. Don’t wait to feel powerful or confident. Move ahead in your weakness, doing the right thing in spite of your fears and feelings

Humor – July 3

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Did You Ever Wonder?

– When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
– Why isn’t phonetic spelled the way it sounds? i iz hukt on fonix
– Why are there Interstates in Hawaii?
– Why are cigarettes sold at gas stations where smoking is prohibited?
– You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don’t they make the whole plane out of that stuff?
– If they squeeze olives to get olive oil, how do they get baby oil?
– If you are driving at the speed of light and you turn your headlights on, what happens?
– If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

One Liner
May thy ball lie in green pastures … and not in still waters.

Thought for the day
“If people want to follow me, they must give up the things they want. They must be willing even to give up their lives to follow me.” Matthew 16:24 (NCV)

When you decide to live a totally surrendered life, that decision will be tested. Sometimes it will mean doing inconvenient, unpopular, costly, or seemingly impossible tasks. It will often mean doing the opposite of what you feel like doing