At Hebrew School, the Rabbi finished the day’s lesson. It was now time for the usual question period.

“Rabbi?” asked little Melvin “there’s something I need to know.”

“What’s that my child?” asked the Rabbi.

“Well, according to the Scriptures, the Children of Israel crossed the Red Sea, right?”

“Right.”

“And the Children of Israel beat up the Philistines, right?”

“Uh … right.”

“And the Children of Israel built the Temple, right?”

“Again you are correct.”

“And the Children of Israel fought the Egyptians, and the Children of Israel fought the Romans, and the Children of Israel were always doing something important, right?”

“All that is correct,” agreed the Rabbi. “So what’s your question?”

“What I need to know is this,” demanded Melvin. “What were all the grown-ups doing?”

One Liner
Wear sleeveless shirts! Support your right to bare arms!

Thought for the day
Pray that every time I open my mouth I’ll be able to make Christ plain as day to them.  Colossians 4:4 MSG

Some of us open our mouths more than others.  We have an opinion on everything.  Let us put aside our personal opinions and proclaim the message of Christ clearly.  When we have the opportunity to share, we must be able to share clearly. To proclaim a message clearly is to show the person that you are speaking with that what you are sharing—your message—is from God. It’s not from you or something you made up. It’s a story that only God could write.

A man decided to write a book about churches around the country. He started by flying to San Francisco, and started working east from there. He went to a very large church and began taking photographs, etc. He spots a golden telephone on a wall and is intrigued with a sign, which reads “$10,000 a minute.”

Seeking out the pastor he asks about the phone and the sign. The pastor answers that this golden phone is, in fact, a direct line to Heaven and if he pays the price he can talk directly to God. He thanks the pastor and continues on his way. As he continues to visit churches in Seattle, Boise, Minneapolis, Chicago, Milwaukee, New York, Atlanta, and on around the United States, he finds more phones, with the same sign, and the same answer from each pastor.

Finally, he arrives in Texas. Upon entering a church in Dallas, lo and behold, he sees the usual golden telephone. But THIS time, the sign reads “Calls 25 cents.”

Fascinated, he requests to talk to the pastor. “Reverend, I have been in cities all across the country and in each church I found this golden telephone, and have been told it is a direct line to Heaven and that I could talk to God, but, in the other churches the cost was $10,000 a minute. Your sign reads 25 cents a call. Why?”

The pastor, smiling benignly, replies, “Oh, my son, that’s very easy to explain. You see, you’re now in Texas and, of course, it’s a local call from here.”

One Liner
How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear or understand a word they said?

Thought for the day
“…dress in the wardrobe God picked out for you: compassion, kindness, humility, quiet strength, discipline. Be even-tempered, content with second place, quick to forgive an offense. Forgive as quickly and completely as the Master forgave you.  And regardless of what else you put on, wear love. It’s your basic, all-purpose garment. Never be without it. Colossians 3:12-14 MSG

If you are a believer what are you dressing in today? GAP, Nike, Perry Ellis, Tommy Hilfiger, etc.  Remember that God has already picked out your wardrobe of compassion, kindness, humility, quiet strength, discipline, even tempered, forgiveness and love.  Put on each piece so you can be salt and light today!

An old man was sitting on his porch, when a young man walked up with a pad and pencil in his hand.

“What are you selling, young man?” he asked.

“I’m not selling anything, sir,” the young man replied. “I’m the census taker.”
“A what?” the man asked.

“A census taker. We are trying to find out how many people are in the United States.”

“Well,” the man answered, “you’re wasting your time with me; I have no idea.”

One Liner
“Death and taxes may be certain, but we don’t have to die every year.”  ~Unknown

Thought for the day
Don’t fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns.  Philippians 4:6 MSG

Philippians 4:6 is a recipe for worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns

The pastor called all the children up to the front for the weekly Bible story. Little Jimmy listened intently to the story of Lot. The pastor said, “The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.”

Very concerned, Jimmy asked, “What happened to the flea?”

One LINER
Wind velocity will increase proportionally to the cost of ones hairdo.

(The Hair-Wind Principal)

Thought for the day 
“I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”Jeremiah 29:11

Follow God’s plan for you life

“Soft Seven”

A young man is paired up with a priest on the first hole at the golf course. When they make it to a long par three the priest asks, “What are you going to use on this hole son?”

The young man says, “An eight iron, father. How about you?”

The priest says, “I’m going to hit a soft seven and pray.”

The young man hits his eight iron and puts the ball on the green. The priest tops his 7 iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards.

The young man says, “I don’t know about you father, but in my church when we pray, we keep our head down.”

One LINER
An atheist is a person who has no invisible means of support.

Thought for the day 
Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord, the Lord is the Rock Eternal. Isaiah 26:4

The Lord is our only rock of security, and all the forever’s we have, are found in him.

4th of July Jokes

The difference between a duck and George Washington is:
One has a bill on his face; the other has his face on a bill!

What was the craziest battle of the Revolutionary War?
The Battle of Bonkers Hill.

Why were the first Pennsylvania settlers like ants? 
Because they lived in colonies.

What’s red, white, blue, and almost as ugly as a dog? 
A revolutionary warthog!

Why did Paul Revere ride his horse from Boston to Lexington?
Because the horse was too heavy to carry!

One Liner
Freedom is first of all a responsibility before the God from whom we come. – Alan Keyes

Thought for the day
Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free John 8:32

The bondage of sin is the most grievous bondage; and freedom from its guilt and influence is the greatest liberty.

How Many States Can You Name?

Father William, the old priest, made it a practice to visit the parish school one day a week. He walked into the 4th grade class, where the children were studying the states, and asked them how many states they could name. They came up with about 40 names.  Father William jokingly told them that in his day students knew the names of all the states.

One lad raised his hand and said, ‘Yes sir, but in those days there were only 13 states.

One LINER
What kind of tea did the American colonists thirst for? 
Liberty

Thought for the day
“For you created everything, and it is for your pleasure that they exist and were create
Revelation 4:11b (NLT)

You were planned for God’s pleasure

My employment search preoccupied our family for months. One day my husband told our three boys that to make things easier for me, he had a list of jobs for them.

They were all silent until our six-year-old spoke up: “When are the interviews?”

One LINER
“My wife and I have a system for settling arguments We just talk and talk until she’s right.”

Thought for the day  
Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up. James 4:10

Humility is a forgotten virtue. Often confused with weakness or timidity, humility is about knowing our proper place in the world without flaunting it. Only God can exalt in a permanent way, so the key is to know our place before him and let him put us in the place he chooses to honor him.