TEN SIGNS OF A FRUSTRATED MOTHER

• Your children know how to read HTML code but can’t operate a vacuum cleaner.
• Your children tell you that you said “yes” and you don’t even remember the question.
• You go to the grocery store and find yourself having a good time.
• Your husband asks how your day went and you rate it on a scale of 1-10 repeats of “stop that!” or “no!”
• You can’t remember the last time you didn’t have to share your drink.
• You mistakenly tell the kids it’s “sanity” time when you meant to say “bed” time.
• The laundry seems to have taken on an evil nature and you begin to feel that it’s out to get you.
• You dread hearing the phone ring because it’s a sure sign there’s about to be trouble amongst the children.
• It’s finally your turn on the computer and the “Touched by an Angel” rerun is just coming on.
• You go to sleep with “I’m bored” or “I’m hungry” still ringing in your ears.

  One Liner
  My mom thinks coupons are money, and gives them for gifts.

  Thought for the day
  Matthew 6:30 says, “If God cares so wonderfully for flowers that are here today and gone tomorrow, won’t he more surely care for you, O men of little faith?” (TLB).

  If you trust in God, you don’t need to worry.

Mother’s Dictionary of Meanings
Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

Feedback: The inevitable result when the baby doesn’t appreciate the strained carrots.

Full Name: What you call your child when you’re mad at him.

Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they’re sure you’re not raising them right.

Hearsay: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

Independent: How we want our children to be for as long as they do everything we say.

Puddle: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.

Show Off: A child who is more talented than yours.

Sterilize: What you do to your first baby’s pacifier by boiling it, and to your last baby’s pacifier by blowing on it and wiping it with saliva.

Top Bunk: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.

Two-Minute Warning: When the baby’s face turns red and she begins to make those familiar-grunting noises.

Whodunit: None of the kids that live in your house.

One Liner
Instead of saying hello, my mom gets on the phone and says, “Guess who died?”

Thought for the day
Matthew 6:27 says, “Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?” (NIV).

When you worry about a problem, it doesn’t bring you one inch closer to a solution. It’s like sitting in a rocking chair — a lot of activity, energy, and motion, but no progress. Worry doesn’t change anything except you. It makes you miserable!

THE MOMMY TEST

I was out walking with my 4-year-old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that.

“Why?” my daughter asked.

“Because it’s been laying outside, you don’t know where it’s been, it’s dirty and probably has germs” I replied.

At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, “Wow! How do you know all this stuff?”

“Uh,” I was thinking quickly, “All moms know this stuff. It’s on the Mommy Test. You have to know it, or they don’t let you be a Mommy.”

We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information.

“Oh! I get it!” she beamed, “So if you don’t pass the test you have to be the daddy.”

“Exactly,” I replied back with a big smile on my face and joy in my heart.

One LINER
God made man before woman so as to give him time to think of an answer for her first question.

Thought for the day
Matthew 6:26: “Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?” (NIV).

There’s only one thing in all of God’s creation that worries: people. We’re the only things God has created that don’t trust him, and God says this is unnatural.

A Woman’s Poem

He didn’t like the casserole
And he didn’t like my cake.
My biscuits were too hard…
Not like his mother used to make.
I didn’t perk the coffee right
He didn’t like the stew,
I didn’t mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.
I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned around and smacked him…
Just like his Mother used to do.

One LINER
The secret of managing life is to keep the folks who can’t stand you away from the folks who are undecided.

Thought for the day
Psalm 63:1
“my soul thirsts for you”

My life is dry without God – my satisfaction is in God alone.

A tired mom opened the front door of her home to find a young minister from the neighborhood who said, “I’m collecting donations for the new children’s home we’re building. I hope you’ll give what you can.”

“To be sure,” said the beleaguered woman, “I’ll give you two boys, two girls, OR one of each.”

One Liner
I’d like to be the ideal mother, but I’m too busy raising my kids.

Thought for the day
Matthew 6:25 says, “Do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes?” (NIV).

Jesus is saying that if it’s not going to last, don’t worry about it.

Elmer says, “First, I got tonsillitis, followed by appendicitis and pneumonia. After that I got erysipelas with hemachromatosis. Following that I got poliomyelitis and finally ended up with neuritis. Then they gave me hypodermics and inoculations.”

Calvin says, “Boy, you had quite a time!”

Elmer replies, “I’ll say! I thought I’d never pull through that spelling test.”

One LINER
Any married man should forget his mistakes – there’s no use in two people remembering the same thing.

Thought for the day
John 8:31-32
Jesus said, “If you hold to my teaching, you are really my disciples. Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”

Knowing truth only comes by living in obedience to Jesus – truth is something you do, you live. So only by doing will we ever know the truth that liberates us.