SIGNS OF LIFE

English sign in German cafe: “Mothers, Please Wash Your Hans Before Eating”

On a scientist’s door: “Gone Fission”

Outside a hotel: “Help! We need inn-experienced people”

On a music teacher’s door: “Out Chopin”

On the door of a music library: “Bach in a minuet”

At a farmer’s field: “The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges”

In a podiatrist’s window: “Time wounds all heels”

On a front door: “Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog”

Non-smoking area: “If we see you smoking, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action”

On maternity room door: “Push, Push, Push”

Sign on fence: “Salesmen welcome – dog food is expensive”

Muffler shop: “No appointment necessary. We’ll hear you coming.”

Veterinarian’s waiting room: “Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!”

Optometrist’s office: “If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place”

One Liner
Intentionally losing a game of rock, paper, scissors is just as hard as trying to win.

Thought for the day
“Instead, there must be a spiritual renewal of your thoughts and attitudes” Ephesians 4:23

Change requires new thinking. In order to change, we must learn about God’s truth and start making good choices, but we also must change the way we think. We’ve talked about this before: The battle over sin starts in your mind, not in your behavior.

A guy is taking a walk and sees a frog on the side of the road. As he comes closer, the frog starts to talk. “Kiss me and I will turn into a princess.”

The guy picks the frog up and puts it in his pocket.

The frog starts shouting, “Hey! Didn’t you hear me? I’m an enchanted Princess. Just kiss me and I will be yours.” The guy takes the frog out of his pocket and smiles at it and puts it back.

The frog is really frustrated. “I don’t get it. Why won’t you kiss me? I will turn into a beautiful princess and will do anything you ask.”

The guy says, “Look, I’m a computer geek. I don’t have time for girls. But a talking frog… that’s is cool!

One Liner
Apparently, you can’t use “beef-stew” as a password.
It’s not stroganoff.

Thought for the day
“We fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal” 2 Corinthians 4:18

God created us to live in heaven with him for eternity. Heaven is our home, not Earth. That’s why we sometimes experience discontentment and dissatisfaction in life. We’re not completely happy here because we’re not supposed to be.

A gentleman was lured into a busy florist shop by a large sign in the window that read, “Say It With Flowers.”

“Wrap up one rose,” he told the florist.

“Only one?” the florist asked.

“Just one,” the customer replied. “I’m a man of few words.”

One Liner
Don’t use a big word when a singularly unloquacious and diminutive linguistic expression will satisfactorily accomplish the contemporary necessity.

Thought for the day
“He saved us and chose us for his holy work not because we deserved it but because that was his plan long before the world began” 2 Timothy 1:9

Why did God save you? So you could serve him. A non-serving Christian is a contradiction.

A shoplifter was caught red-handed trying to steal a watch from an exclusive jewelry store.

“Listen,” said the shoplifter, “I know you don’t want any trouble either. What do you say I just buy the watch and we forget about this?”

The manager agreed and wrote up the sales slip.

The crook looked at the slip and said, “This is a little more than I intended to spend. Can you show me something less expensive…?”

One Liner
100 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars. Today everyone has cars and only the rich own horses.

Thought for the day
“You come to him as living stones, a spiritual house that is being built into a holy priesthood”  1 Peter 2:5 GW

God says that you are a priest. Depending on your background, that may be scary or confusing. Peter is saying that the two benefits that priests have are now available to everyone who is a believer.

HONK IF YOU LOVE JESUS

Got a letter from Grandma the other day. She writes…

The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a “Honk if you love Jesus” bumper sticker.

I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, I’m glad I did! What an uplifting experience that followed!

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is… and I didn’t notice that the light had changed.

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn’t honked, I’d never have noticed!

I found that LOTS of people love Jesus! Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, “For the love of GOD! GO! GO! Jesus Christ, GO!”

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking!

I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

My grandson who was in t he backseat burst out laughing…why, even he was enjoying this religious experience!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.

So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning, and drove on through the intersection. I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave everyone a wave as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!

Grandma

One LINER
Can you be a closet claustrophobic

Thought for the day
Romans 13:6
This is also why you pay taxes, for the authorities are God’s servants, who give their full time to governing. Give everyone what you owe him: If you owe taxes, pay taxes; if revenue, then revenue; if respect, then respect; if honor, then honor.

I have a responsibility (I owe it, Paul says) to be a good citizen, a good financial manager, a nice respectful neighbor, and a person who willingly honors those who have merited it.

Two middle-aged couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, “Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?”

“Outstanding,” Fred replied. “They taught us all the latest psychological techniques, like visualization, association, and so on. It was great. I haven’t had a problem since.”

“Sounds like something I could use. What was the name of the clinic?”

Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn’t remember.

Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, “What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?”

“You mean a rose?”

“Yes, that’s it!”

He turned to his wife, “Hey Rose, what was the name of that memory clinic?”

One Liner
Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn’t have said.

Thought for the day
“We speak the truth before God, as messengers of God.” 2 Corinthians 2:17b

When you became a believer, you also became God’s messenger. God wants to speak to the world through you.

I was recovering from surgery when a charity representative phoned asking me to take part in a door-to-door fund-raising effort.

“Sorry,” I replied, “but I’ve been incapacitated.”

Undaunted, the caller kept trying to convince me to change my mind and volunteer.

I interrupted and said, “I’m incapacitated. Do you know what that means?”

She hesitated. “It means your head was cut off?”

One Liner
They say you can’t really know someone until you walk a mile in their shoes. I say if they’ve got itsy-bitsy feet or some kind of foot disease, I don’t wanna know ’em.

Thought for the day
“The Lord has hidden Himself from His people, but I trust Him and place my hope in Him” (Isaiah 8:17 TEV).

It is easy to worship God when things are going great in your life—when He has provided food, friends, family, health, and happy situations. But circumstances are not always pleasant. How do you worship God then? What do you do when God seems a million miles away?

The deepest level of worship is praising God in spite of pain, thanking God during a trial, trusting Him when tempted, surrendering while suffering, and loving Him when He seems distant.