Monthly Archives: September 2019

Humor – September 10

All the grandkids were visiting for Thanksgiving. Before dinner, Grandma made a lengthy speech about being thankful for her extra-special blessings, her four grandchildren.

Two seconds after she stopped speaking, craziness ensued and the kids were yelling and grabbing for the home-made rolls. Grandma sat there, eyes closed with a tight squint on her face. When asked what was the matter, she replied, “I’m just praying for a little patience to handle all these blessings.”

One Liner
Scientists have discovered an incredible fact: If an article of clothing is allowed to hang uninterrupted in a closet throughout just one holiday season, it will shrink at least two sizes.

Thought for the day
“Praise be to the God of Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego, who has sent his angel and rescued his servants! They trusted in him and defied the king’s command and were willing to give up their lives rather than serve or worship any god except their own God” Daniel 3:28 NIV

King Nebuchadnezzar recognized that these guys were willing to defy his order and risk death because they trusted God.

What are you willing to die for?  If you don’t know what you’re willing to die for, you’ll never truly live. You’ll only exist.

Humor – September 9

My mother taught for 11 years at a day-care center. One winter afternoon she was trying to show a young boy how to zip up his coat.

“The secret,” Mom said, “is to get this piece of the zipper to fit in the other side before you try to zip it up.”

After struggling with the zipper for several minutes, the boy sighed and said, “Why does it have to be a secret?”

One Liner
Q: What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 feet long?
A: A ‘Pi-thon’ 🙂

Thought for the day
“You let captors set foot on our neck; then we went through fire and water and you led us out to freedom” Psalm 66:12 NAB

God wants you to be free. The Bible says the truth will set you free. But truth often comes with a high cost.


Humor – September 6

A man opens an outdoor stall to sell bagels and puts up a sign, “50 cents each.” A jogger runs past and puts 50 cents into the bucket but doesn’t take a bagel. The next day, he does the same thing. For weeks and then months, this goes on.

One day, as he’s jogging past, the owner joins step with him. The jogger laughs and says, “I know why you’re here. You want to know why I always put money in the bucket and never take a bagel.”

“No,” says the owner, “not that. I just want to tell you that the bagels have gone up to 60 cents.”

One Liner
They say that inside each heavy person is a thin person struggling to get out. I’ve discovered that mine can be sedated with a piece of chocolate cake.

Thought for the day
“You have heard about Jesus and have learned the truth that comes from him” Ephesians 4:21 NLT

The secret to personal change is not willpower. The secret is to know and face the truth. You must know and face the truth about yourself and your nature if you want to change.

Nothing will change in your life until you know and face the truth about your weaknesses, your relationships, your successes and failures, and your past and future.

Humor – September 5

Grandma was telling her little grand-daughter about her own childhood:

“We used to skate outside on a pond.  I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard.  We rode our pony.  We picked wild raspberries in the woods.”

The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in.  At last she said, “I sure wish I’d gotten to know you sooner!”

One Liner
There’s this new band called 1023MB. They haven’t had a gig yet.

Thought for the day
“For we fix our attention, not on things that are seen, but on things that are unseen. What can be seen lasts only for a time, but what cannot be seen lasts forever” 2 Corinthians 4:18 GNT

As you strive to reach the goals that God has given you, it’s important to remember that life on Earth is just a temporary assignment. Knowing this truth should radically alter your values and fix your attention on the things that are eternally important.


Humor – September 4

A man, who had reached the age of 105, suddenly stopped going to church. Alarmed by the old fellow’s absence after so many years of faithful attendance, the pastor went to see him.

He found him in excellent health, so the pastor asked, “How come after all these years we don’t see you at services anymore?”

The old man lowered his voice. “I’ll tell you, Pastor,” he whispered, “When I got to be 90, I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105. So, I figured that God is very busy and must’ve forgotten about me, and I don’t want to remind Him.”

One Liner
There’s nothing wrong with teenagers that 30 years won’t fix.

Thought for the day
“GOD is always on the alert, constantly on the lookout for people who are totally committed to him” 2 Chronicles 16:9 The Message

God is looking for people who are committed to him and his plan so that he can bless them.

Humor – September 3

St. Peter and Satan were having an argument one day about baseball.

Satan proposed a game to be played on neutral grounds between a select team from the heavenly host and his own hand-picked boys.

“Very well,” said the gatekeeper of Heaven. “But you realize, I hope, that we’ve got all the good players and the best coaches.”

“I know, and that’s all right,” Satan answered. “We’ve got all the umpires.”

One Liner
The trouble with talking too fast is that you might say something you haven’t thought of yet.

Thought for the day
“Listen carefully to my words. Don’t lose sight of them. Let them penetrate deep into your heart, for they bring life to those who find them, and healing to their whole body” Proverbs 4:20-22 NLT

One of the pitfalls you may face as you fulfill your purpose in life is the temptation to take shortcuts.

 

Humor – September 2

Many years ago, a grandfather bought a hobby horse by mail order as a birthday present for his granddaughter.

The toy arrived in 189 pieces. The instructions said that it could be put together in an hour.

However it took the man two days to assemble the toy.

Finally, when it was all put together, he wrote a check, cut it into 189 pieces and mailed it off to the company.

One Liner
Choose a degree in something you love and you’ll never have to work a day in your life, because that field probably isn’t hiring.

Thought for the day
“It is the LORD who gives wisdom; from him come knowledge and understanding” Proverbs 2:6 GNT

God says he will give you the wisdom you need to recognize his voice and follow through on what he says.