Husband: It says in this article that high fructose corn syrup made me fat.

Wife: That’s ridiculous!

Husband: Okay, Miss know it all, If high fructose corn syrup didn’t make me fat, what did?

Wife: (drolly) Going back for thirds.

One Liner
Press any key…no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!

She had a wedding to go to, and needed a wedding gift.  

“Aha,” she thought, “I have that monogrammed silver tray from my wedding that I never use. I’ll just take it to a silversmith and have him remove my monogram and put hers on it.  Voila, one cheap wedding present.”

She took it to the silversmith and asked him to remove her monogram and put the new one on.  The silversmith examined the tray carefully, shook his head and said, “Lady, this can only be done so many times!”

One Liner
Paper clips are the larval stage of coat hangers.

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen. 

“Careful … CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh no, no, no – you’re cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They’re going to STICK! Careful … CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you’re cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don’t forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!” 

The wife stared at him. “What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don’t know how to fry a couple of eggs?” 

The husband calmly replied, “I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving with you in the car.” 

One Liner
Opportunities are never lost; someone is sure to take the ones you miss.

The doctor told me “Physical exercise is good for you.” I know that I should do it, since my body is so out of shape. So I have worked out this easy daily program I can do anywhere: 

Monday: 
Beat around the bush. 
Jump to conclusions. 
Climb the walls. 
Wade through paperwork. 

Tuesday: 
Drag my heels. 
Push my luck. 
Make mountains out of mole hills. 
Hit the nail on the head. 

Wednesday: 
Bend over backwards. 
Jump on the band wagon. 
Balance the books. 
Run around in circles. 

Thursday: 
Toot my own horn. 
Climb the ladder of success. 
Pull out the stops. 
Add fuel to the fire. 

Friday: 
Open a can of worms. 
Put my foot in my mouth. 
Start the ball rolling. 
Go over the edge. 

Saturday: 
Pick up the pieces. 

Whew! 
What a workout! 

And now for a story of a truly loving husband: 

One day a man walked into a dentist’s office and asks how much it will cost to extract a wisdom tooth. 
    “Eighty dollars,” the dentist says. 
    “That’s a ridiculous amount,” the man says. “Isn’t there a cheaper way?” 
    “Well,” the dentist says, “if you don’t use an anesthetic, I can knock it down to $60.” 
    “That’s still too expensive,” the man says. 
    “Okay,” says the dentist. “If I save on anesthesia and simply rip the teeth out with a pair of pliers, I could get away with charging $20.” 
    “Nope,” moans the man, “it’s still too much.” 
    “Hmm,” says the dentist, scratching his head. 
    “If I let one of my students do it for the experience, I suppose I could charge you just $10.” 
    “Marvelous,” says the man, “book my wife for next Tuesday!” 

One Liner
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife’s voice urgently warning him, “Herman, I just heard on the news that there’s a car going the wrong way on 280. Please be careful!” 

“Shucks,” said Herman, “It’s not just one car. It’s hundreds of them!” 

REASONS TO TITHE

Your church has started a new stewardship drive and has given several reasons for tithing:

1. The last few Sundays the treasurer has gotten up halfway through the service and turned off the heat/air conditioning.

2. The preacher’s wife has worn the same dress now every Sunday for the past two years.

3. You can’t call the church office because the phone has been disconnected.

4. The offering plates have been sold and replaced with popcorn buckets.

5. The ushers are beginning to drool and growl as they collect the offering.

6. The treasurer has started wearing sackcloth and ashes.

7. Parking meters have been installed in the church parking lot.

8. There’s no money for new choir robes, so the choir has resorted to wearing their bath robes.

One Liner
I’m great at multi-tasking. I can waste time, be unproductive and procrastinate all at once.

Interviewer: “Tell me Miss Cromwell, if you could have dinner with any person, living or dead, who would it be?”

Miss Cromwell: “The living one.”

One Liner
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now am the proud owner of Aisle 4.