There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.

An angel hears his plea and appears to him, “Sorry, but you can’t take your wealth with you.”

The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules.

The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him. The angel reappears and informs the man that God has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed.

Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter. Seeing the suitcase Peter says, “Hold on, you can’t bring that in here!”

But the man explains to him that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord. Sure enough,. Peter checks and comes back saying, “You’re right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I’m supposed to check its contents before letting it through.”

Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims, “You brought pavement?!?!” 

(Revelation 21:21 …. The twelve gates were twelve pearls, each gate made of a single pearl. The great street of the city was of gold, as pure as transparent glass.)

One Liner
I don’t want to say I’m old and worn-out, but I make sure I’m nowhere near the curb on trash day.

My husband is a minister who conducts an expanded altar call at the end of his sermon. He asks those who wish to accept Jesus Christ as their personal Lord and Savior, as well as those with prayers or other requests, to come forward. 

To the surprise and delight of the congregation our three-year-old daughter, without a word to me, got up and made her way forward. She waited patiently while the others ahead of her made a request. 

When her turn came, my husband leaned down to ask for her request. She whispered, “Can we go to the restaurant after church?” 

One Liner
I took a part time job as an opinion poll sampler. On my very first call, I introduced myself, “Hello, this is a telephone poll.”  The man replied, “Yeeeah, and this is a street lamp!” 

A guy had been out of work for months and was getting desperate to find a job, so he decided to stop by the local zoo and apply for a job there. The director of the zoo said they weren’t hiring, so as the dejected man turned to leave the director noticed how large he was. He stopped the guy and said, “Wait. I have an idea. Our gorilla died a couple of weeks ago and he was our main attraction. It will be months before we are able to get another gorilla. Would you be willing to dress like a gorilla? It would really help us out of a jam.”

Being desperate for work, he took the job. The first few days were incredibly boring, so to liven things up a bit he started doing some tricks and really putting on a show. Before long, huge crowds were gathered to watch what they thought was a real gorilla. 

One day, while showing off, he was on a rope and was swinging out over the lion’s cage when the rope broke. He was terrified as he noticed a lion approaching him. He was afraid to scream for help thinking he might lose his job, but was afraid that if he didn’t yell for help he might lose his life. So, he yelled out, “Help! Help!” 

About that time the lion spoke up and said, “Shut up! Do you want to get us both fired?!”

One Liner
Kissing: A means of getting two people so close together that they can’t see anything wrong with each other.

There’s a story told about a lone cowboy who went to an evening service at a little country church up in Montana. There was a snowstorm and the only two people who showed up were the preacher and the cowboy. They waited and waited. 

Finally the preacher said, “Well, I guess we might as well go on home, it doesn’t look like anyone else is going to show up.” 

The cowboy responded, “Now preacher, when I go out to feed cattle, and only one cow shows up, I still feed her!” 

The preacher said “Okay,” and proceeded to preach an hour-long sermon. 

After it was over the cowboy said, “Preacher, that was a good sermon, but you know, when I feed cattle, and only one cow shows up, I don’t give her the whole load!”

One Liner
Why are there locks on the door of stores that are open 24/7 365 days a year? 

A woman and her husband interrupted their vacation to go to the dentist. 

“I want a tooth pulled, and I don’t want any pain killers because I’m in a big hurry,” the woman said. “Just extract the tooth as quickly as possible, and we’ll be on our way.” 

The dentist was quite impressed. “You’re certainly a courageous woman,” he said. “Which tooth is it?” 

The woman turned to her husband and said, “Show him your tooth, dear.”

One Liner
Why do we call it a hamburger when it is made from beef? 

A lawyer, who had a wife and 8 children, needed to move because his rental agreement was terminated by the owner who wanted to reoccupy the home. But he was having a lot of difficulty finding a new house. When he said, he had / children, no one would rent a home to him because they felt that the children would destroy the place. He couldn’t say he had no children, because he couldn’t lie. 

So, he sent his wife for a walk to the cemetery with 7 of their kids. He took the remaining one with him to see rental homes with the real estate agent. 

He loved one of the homes and the price was right — the agent asked: “How many children do you have?”

He answered: “Eight.” 

The agent asked, “Where are the others?” 

The lawyer, with his best courtroom sad look, answered “They’re in the cemetery with their mother.”

One Liner
Why doesn’t somebody cross electric blankets with toasters so we could pop out of bed each morning?

After years of scrimping and saving, a husband told his wife the good news: “Honey, we’ve finally saved enough money to buy what we started saving for in 1989.” 

 “You mean a brand-new Cadillac?” she asked eagerly. 
 
“No,” said the husband, “a 1989 Cadillac.” 

One Liner
“I don’t make jokes, “Will Rogers once said truthfully. “I just watch the government and report the facts.”

FELINE PHYSICS OR CAT LAWS 

LAW OF CAT INERTIA:  A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force, such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse. 

LAW OF CAT MOTION:  A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction. 

LAW OF CAT THERMODYNAMICS:  Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, all heat flows to the cat. 

FIRST LAW OF CAT ENERGY CONSERVATION:  Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, therefore, use as little energy as possible. 

LAW OF BAG/BOX OCCUPANCY:  All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond. 

LAW OF FURNITURE REPLACEMENT:  A cat’s desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture. 

LAW OF PILL REJECTION:  Any pill given to a cat has potential energy to reach escape velocity. 

LAW OF CAT COMPOSITION:  A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-matter + It Doesn’t Matter. 

LAW OF SPACE-TIME CONTINUUM:  Given enough time, a cat will land in just about any space. 

LAW OF CAT OBEDIENCE:  As yet undiscovered.

One Liner
The chance of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with.