“Look, Charlie,” the coach said, “you know the principles of good
sportsmanship. You know the Little League doesn’t allow temper tantrums,
shouting at the umpire, or abusive language.”

“Yes sir, I understand.” 

“Good, Charlie. Now, would you please explain that to your father?”

One Liner

Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke? He won the
“no-bell” prize.

An accountant, an engineer and a statistician were interviewing for a job. Each of them were asked the same question at the conclusion of the interview: what is 4 x 5? 

The engineer replied 20.000 with a 100% certainty factor. 

The statistician answered that the sample size was too small to make any reliable conclusions. 

The accountant looked around, leaned over the desk, and in a whisper asked, “what do you want it to be?”

One Liner

Because of his ongoing ability to increase office productivity, the “Employee of the Month” award again goes to Mr. Coffee.

A skeptical parking officer removed the bag, inserted a quarter in the meter and turned the dial. It worked perfectly. As the officer began to write a parking ticket, the car’s owner rushed out of a nearby building.

“What are you doing?” he yelled after a quick glance at the meter. “There’s plenty of time left!”

One Liner

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.

Two children went into their parent’s bathroom and noticed the scale in the corner.

“Whatever you do,” cautioned one child to the younger one, “don’t step on it!”

“Why not?” asked the sibling.

“Because every time mom does, she lets out an awful scream!”

One Liner

I’ve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes. It’s all about raisin awareness.

Toward the end of our senior year in high school, we were required to take a
CPR course. The class used the well-known mannequin victim, Resusci-Annie,
to practice. Typical of most models, this Resusci-Annie was only a torso, to
allow for storage in a carrying case. 

The class went off in groups to practice. As instructed, one of my
classmates gently shook the doll and asked, “Are you all right?” 

He then put his ear over the mannequin’s mouth to listen for breathing.
Suddenly he turned to the instructor and exclaimed, “She said she can’t feel
her legs!”

One Liner

I have a phobia of German sausage. Yes, I fear the wurst.

Scientists on a research vessel were astonished to find out that the boat’s captain, although fully trained and licensed, had never learned to swim.

“Is it true?” one of them asked incredulously. “You, a boat captain, can’t swim?”

“No, I can’t,” he replied. “Can pilots fly?”

One Liner

I can’t stand people who look down on people who look down on people.