During an attack of laryngitis, I lost my voice completely for two days. 

To help me communicate with him, my husband devised a system of taps:

One tap meant, “Kiss me.” 

Two taps meant “Yes.” 

Seven taps meant “No.” 

Ninety-five taps meant “Take out the garbage.”

One Liner

When you die, which body part dies last? The pupils. They dilate.

 recent bride called her mother one evening in tears. “Oh, Mom, I tried to make Grandmother’s meat loaf for dinner tonight, and it’s just awful! I followed the recipe exactly, and I know I have the recipe right because it’s the one you gave me. But it just didn’t come out right, and I’m so upset. I wanted this to be so special for George because he loves meat loaf. What could have gone wrong?”

Her mother replied soothingly, “Well, dear, let’s go through the recipe. You read it out loud and tell me exactly what you did at each step, and together we’ll figure it out.”

“OK,” the bride sniffled. “Well, it starts out, ‘Take fifty cents worth of ground beef’ …”

One Liner

So if a cow doesn’t produce milk, is it a milk dud or an udder failure?

Youngest son: “Hey, everybody: I went to the Army recruiter’s office today and signed up!”

Eldest son (amazed): “No way! That’s a big deal, bro.”

Middle son (dubious): “I dunno, I hear training is tough. You think you’ll make it?”

Father (misty-eyed): “I’m proud of you, Son.”

Mother (serious): “Do you really plan to make your own bed every morning?”

One Liner

Writing my name in cursive is my signature move.

I was officiating at a wedding and during the preparations the bride and groom wanted to have two turtledoves on the altar as a symbol of their forever love. I politely said no birds or animals. 

They hid the birds in a back room, anyway. Immediately after the service they went outside, each of them with a bird in its cage. They opened the cages in unison. One bird flew out and made a hard right turn. The other flew out and made a hard left turn. 

We all stood there watching the symbols of their forever love fly off in opposite directions.

One Liner

This “killing them with kindness” is taking way longer than I expected.

The social studies teacher had just finished a unit on war and peace. “How many of you,” he asked, “would say you’re opposed to war?”

Not surprisingly, all hands went up. The teacher asked, “Who’ll give us the reason for being opposed to war?”

A large, bored-looking boy in the back of the room raised his hand.

“Alex?” The teacher said.

“I hate war,” Alex said, “because wars make history, and I hate history.”

One Liner

No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.

A couple is watching the news.  They hear that a beautiful actress is marrying an athlete who’s famous for his lack of IQ and common sense.

Husband: “I’ll never understand why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives!”

Wife: “Why thank you, dear!”

One Liner

People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point. The glass is refillable.

A boy asks his father to explain the differences among irritation, aggravation, and frustration. Dad takes out his cell phone and dials a number at random.

When the phone is answered he asks, “Can I speak to Roger, please?”

“No! There’s no one called Roger here.”

The person hangs up.

“That’s irritation,” says the dad.

He picks up the phone again, dials the same number and asks for Roger a second time. “No, there’s no one here called Roger. Go away. Don’t call again.”

“That’s aggravation,” says Dad.

“Then what’s frustration?” asks his son.

The father picks up his phone and dials a third time: “Hello, this is Roger. Have I received any phone calls?”

One Liner

A prayer over leftovers: “Lord, AGAIN we thank you for this food. Bless the hands that repaired it.”

“So tell me, Mrs. Smith,” asked the interviewer, “have you any other skills you think might be worth mentioning?” 

“Actually, yes,” said the applicant modestly. “Last year I had two short stories published in national magazines, and I finished my novel.” 

“Very impressive,” he commented, “but I was thinking of skills you could apply during office hours.” 

Mrs. Smith explained brightly, “Oh, but that was during office hours.”

One Liner

Don’t annoy pediatricians. They have little patients.