During a county-wide drive to round up all unlicensed dogs, a patrolman signaled a car to pull over to the curb.

When the driver asked why he had been stopped, the officer pointed to the big dog sitting on the seat beside him and asked, “Does your dog have a license?”

“No,” the man said, “he doesn’t need one.”

“Yes he does,” answered the officer.

“But,” said the driver, “I always do all the driving.”

One Liner

My wife asked me if I could clear the kitchen table. I had to get a running start, but I made it!

A dentist was about to leave his office with his golf bag on his shoulder, when the phone rang.

“Doctor,” the caller said, “I have a terrible toothache. Can I stop by your office in a few minutes?”

“Sorry,” replied the dentist, “but I have a previous appointment to fill eighteen cavities this afternoon.”

One Liner

Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.

A local pastor joined a community service club, and the members thought they would have some fun with him.

Under his name badge they printed “Hog Caller” as his occupation. Everyone made a big fanfare as the badge was presented.

The pastor responded by saying, “I usually am called the ‘shepherd of the sheep’…but you know you people better than I do.”

One Liner

Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: “You stay here; I’ll go on a head.”

During an attack of laryngitis, I lost my voice completely for two days. 

To help me communicate with him, my husband devised a system of taps:

One tap meant, “Kiss me.” 

Two taps meant “Yes.” 

Seven taps meant “No.” 

Ninety-five taps meant “Take out the garbage.”

One Liner

When you die, which body part dies last? The pupils. They dilate.

 recent bride called her mother one evening in tears. “Oh, Mom, I tried to make Grandmother’s meat loaf for dinner tonight, and it’s just awful! I followed the recipe exactly, and I know I have the recipe right because it’s the one you gave me. But it just didn’t come out right, and I’m so upset. I wanted this to be so special for George because he loves meat loaf. What could have gone wrong?”

Her mother replied soothingly, “Well, dear, let’s go through the recipe. You read it out loud and tell me exactly what you did at each step, and together we’ll figure it out.”

“OK,” the bride sniffled. “Well, it starts out, ‘Take fifty cents worth of ground beef’ …”

One Liner

So if a cow doesn’t produce milk, is it a milk dud or an udder failure?

Youngest son: “Hey, everybody: I went to the Army recruiter’s office today and signed up!”

Eldest son (amazed): “No way! That’s a big deal, bro.”

Middle son (dubious): “I dunno, I hear training is tough. You think you’ll make it?”

Father (misty-eyed): “I’m proud of you, Son.”

Mother (serious): “Do you really plan to make your own bed every morning?”

One Liner

Writing my name in cursive is my signature move.

I was officiating at a wedding and during the preparations the bride and groom wanted to have two turtledoves on the altar as a symbol of their forever love. I politely said no birds or animals. 

They hid the birds in a back room, anyway. Immediately after the service they went outside, each of them with a bird in its cage. They opened the cages in unison. One bird flew out and made a hard right turn. The other flew out and made a hard left turn. 

We all stood there watching the symbols of their forever love fly off in opposite directions.

One Liner

This “killing them with kindness” is taking way longer than I expected.