Wife: You need to do more chores around the house.

Husband: Can we change the subject?

Wife: Okay. More chores around the house need to be done by you.

One Liner

Everyone can bring joy — some by arriving, others by leaving.

After the benediction, he had planned to call the couple down for a brief ceremony in front of the congregation.

For the life of him, he couldn’t think of the names of those who were to be married.

“Will those wanting to get married please come to the front?” he requested.

Immediately, nine single ladies, three widows, four widowers, and six single men stepped to the front.

One Liner

A generous army general walked into a bar and ordered everyone around.

Little boy 1: “So your family got a new house! How do you like it?”

Little boy 2: “It’s terrific! I have my own room, my brother has his own room, and my sister has her own room. But poor Mom is still in with Dad.”

One Liner

Getting older is just one body part after another saying, “Haha, you think that’s bad? Watch this.”

A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Michael’s Hospital. She timidly asked, “Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?”

The operator said “I’ll be glad to help, dear. What’s the name and room number?”

The grandmother in her weak tremulous voice said, “Norma Findlay, Room 302.”

The operator replied, “Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse.”

After a few minutes the operator returned to the phone, “Oh, good news. Her nurse has told me that Norma is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal and her physician, Dr.Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged Tuesday.”

The grandmother said, “Thank you. That’s wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you for the good news.”

The operator replied, “You’re more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?”

The grandmother said, “No, I’m Norma Findlay in 302. No one tells me anything!”

One Liner

Do we even need Halloween anymore – I’ve been wearing a mask and eating candy for 18 months..

I was teaching pre-school, and we were discussing family during carpet time, and a 4-yr-old boy asked me, “Miss Laura, do you have a Grandpa?”

I replied, “I used to have 2 Grandpas, but they went to Heaven to be with Jesus.”

He thought, shook his head sadly, and said, “My Grandpa didn’t go to Heaven.”

(Long pause while I tried to figure out how to proceed.)

“He went to Iowa!”

One Liner

Fran and her friends named their band Duvet. It’s a cover band.

A military man should make an excellent husband.

He can cook, sew, and make beds; he is in good health; and he’s already used to taking orders.

One Liner

Did you know? By replacing potato chips with grapefruit as a snack, you can lose up to 90% of what little joy you still have left in your life.

A magician was working on a Caribbean cruise ship. The audience was different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem: The captain’s parrot saw the show every week and began to understand what the magician did in every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show:

“Look, it’s not the same hat!”
“Look, he’s hiding the flowers under the table!”
“Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?”

The magician was furious but couldn’t do anything; it was the captain’s parrot after all.

One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean, and of course the parrot was by his side. They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word.

This went on for several days. After a week the parrot finally said: “Okay, I give up. What’d you do with the boat?” 

One Liner

Do you think when fish get thrown back by fisherman, they start yelling about alien abductions and the other fish stop talking to them?