Mother: Now, Little Johnny, eat your spinach. It’s good for growing children. 

Little Johnny: Who wants to grow children?

One Liner

I before E … except when your foreign neighbor Keith receives eight counterfeit, beige sleighs from feisty caffeinated weightlifters.

LORD, PROP US UP 

Every time I am asked to pray, I think of the old deacon who always prayed, “Lord, prop us up on our leanin’ side.”

After hearing him pray that prayer many times, someone asked him why he prayed that prayer so fervently. 

He answered, “Well sir, you see, it’s like this…I got an old barn out back. It’s been there a long time. It’s withstood a lot of weather. It’s gone through a lot of storms, and it’s stood for many years. It’s still standing, but one day I noticed it was leaning to one side a bit. So I went and got some pine poles and propped it up on its leaning side so it wouldn’t fall. 

“Then I got to thinking ’bout that and how much I was like that old barn. I been around a long time, I’ve withstood a lot of life’s storms, I’ve withstood a lot of bad weather in life, I’ve withstood a lot of hard times, and I’m still standing, too. But I find myself leaning to one side from time to time, so I like to ask the Lord to prop us up on our leanin’ side, ’cause I figure a lot of us get to leaning, at times.”

One Liner

What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work? A can’t opener.

A little girl asked her mother, “Can I go outside and play with the boys?”

Her mother replied, “No, you can’t play with the boys, they’re too rough.”  

The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, “If I find a smooth one, can I play with him?”

One Liner

The difference between in-laws and outlaws is that at least outlaws are wanted.

The cable repairman was on my street and asked me what time it was. 

I told him it was between 1:00 pm and 5:00 pm.

One Liner

Some are born to greatness, others have greatness thrust upon them. Most of
us just read about it.

A NEW AESOP’S FABLE

Mr. Rabbit was walking down the road when he spotted a crow at the tip top of a very tall tree. He shouted, “Good morning, Mr. Crow.” 

Mr. Crow shouted back down, “Good morning, Mr. Rabbit.” 

Mr. Rabbit shouted up, “Whata ya doin’ today?” and the answer shouted back down was, “Absolutely nothin’ Mr. Rabbit! Absolutely nothin’ and loving it.” 

Well, that sounded pretty good to Mr. Rabbit. So he shouted back up, “Do you think I could do that too?” 

Mr. Crow shouted back down, “I don’t see why not!” 

Well, Mr. Rabbit lay down on the side of the road and began doing absolutely nothing. 

In 30 minutes a fox came along and ate him. 

The moral of the story: You can get away with doing absolutely nothing, but only if you’re really high up.

One Liner

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again. 

Two confirmed bachelors were sitting and talking. Their conversation drifted from politics to cooking.

“I got a cookbook once,” said the first, “but I could never do anything with it.”

“Too much fancy cooking in it, eh?” asked the second.

“You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way…’Take a clean dish and…”

One Liner

Why are aliens always portrayed as evil in movies? How do we know that there isn’t an alien out there just waiting to share the recipe for “The Universe’s Best Waffle Mix?