The minister’s little six-year-old girl had been so naughty during the week, that her mother decided to give her the worst kind of punishment. She told her she couldn’t go to the Sunday School Picnic on Saturday.

When the day came, her mother felt she had been too harsh and changed her mind. When she told the little girl she could go to the picnic, the child’s reaction was one of gloom and unhappiness.

“What’s the matter? I thought you’d be glad to go to the picnic.” her mother said.

“It’s too late!” the little girl said. “I’ve already prayed for rain!”

One Liner
A formalist is a man who can’t understand a theory unless it is meaningless.

My wife and teenage son belong to a local Tae Kwon Do club where they learn the strict rules of the discipline. The head instructor of the club is a highly-ranked black belt whose Tae Kwon Do title is “Sabumnim.” Away from class Sabumnim is a plumber named Dave.

One day, after making several futile attempts to unclog a blocked pipe, I called Dave to ask if he could stop by and take care of it. An hour later, he pulled up in his truck just as we were going out the door.

As he came up the walk, my wife and son, ever mindful of their martial-arts etiquette, stood rigidly at attention and bowed deeply from the waist. Dave gave a quick nod in return and went on into the house.

Just then, I saw my next-door neighbor standing in his yard, watching us with a perplexed look on his face. “Wow,” he said. “That guy must be one great plumber!”

One Liner
I sometimes just make my coffee with Red Bull instead of water. Ironically when I do, I get halfway to work before I realize I left my car at home.

A burglar decided to burgle the safe in a store. On the safe door he was very pleased to find a note reading, “Please don’t use dynamite. The safe is not locked. Just turn the knob.” He did so. 

Instantly a heavy sandbag fell on him, the entire premises were floodlighted, and alarms started clanging. 

As the police carried him out on a stretcher, he was heard moaning, “Can’t trust nobody no more!”

One Liner
I had the beef noodle soup at my favorite Vietnamese restaurant for lunch…it was phonomeal!

15 EXERCISES WE’D BE BETTER OFF WITHOUT IN 2020…

~ Jumping on the bandwagon

~ Wading through paperwork

~ Running around in circles

~ Pushing your luck

~ Playing in traffic 

~ Spinning your wheels

~ Adding fuel to the fire

~ Beating your head against the wall

~ Climbing the walls

~ Beating your own drum

~ Dragging your heels

~ Jumping to conclusions

~ Grasping at straws

~ Fishing for compliments

~ Throwing your weight around

~ Passing the buck

~ Running with scissors

One Liner
My goal for 2021 is to accomplish the goals of 2020 which I should have done in 2019 because I made a promise in 2018 and planned in 2017.

Two elderly sisters donated $5 to a charity and, to their surprise, won tickets and a flight to the Rose Bowl football game in Pasadena on New Year’s Day. Since they had never seen a live football game before, Madge thought the free tickets would provide an excellent opportunity for doing so. 

“I think so, too,” said Mabel. “Let’s go!” 

They soon found themselves high in a noisy stadium overlooking a large, grassy expanse. They watched the kickoff and the seemingly endless back-and-forth struggles that comprised the first half. 

They enjoyed the band music and cheerleader performance that followed. Then came the second half. When the teams lined up for the second-half kickoff, Madge nudged her sister. 

“I guess we can go home now, Mabel,” she said. “This is where we came in.” 

One Liner
A New Year’s resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.

A couple from the city went to a Dude Ranch while in Texas.

The cowboy preparing the horses asked if she wanted a Western or English saddle, and she asked what the difference was.

He told her one had a horn and one didn’t.  

She replied, “The one without the horn is fine. I don’t expect we’ll run into too much traffic.” 

One Liner
Laughing stock: Cattle with a sense of humor.

A groom wanted to surprise his bride on their wedding day so he arranged with the bakery to have a Bible verse inscribed on the cake.

He chose 1 John 4:18, which reads: “There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love”. 

But the baker, not being familiar with the Bible, got the verse wrong and on the day of his wedding the groom was surprised to find the cake inscribed with John 4:18, which read: “You are right when you say you have no husband. The fact is, you have had five husbands, and the man you now have is not your husband.” 

One Liner
America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.